Weekends...

Weekends are welcome breaks for our family in many ways. First, William is really struggling at school with his behavior (although in the last two weeks he has strung together two good days in a row each week and has had good days five out of the ten days). When I say good days I'm talking about his daily point sheets, which are out of 15 points. A good day is anything that is ten or better. But even a good day at school doesn't always translate to a good day at home. It often seems that when he has a good day at school that he struggles with his behavior at home and vice versa. It is as if he can only hold it together for a fraction of each day. Bed times are particularly rough some nights. Last Wednesday William woke up in the morning and the first thing he said to me was "I didn't sleep well last night." I think he sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night and struggles to fall back asleep. So I knew right away that his day might be rough. And it was...

He was really mean and crabby to his peers and teachers and then at his after school program he attempted to choke a little girl. His teacher also called us to let us know that William had gotten a bus write up on the ride home from school on Tuesday (which may be why he didn't sleep well- he was sweating whether we were going to find out he got written up). And what did he do on the bus? Well, he called the bus monitor a mean, ugly, fa***t. Wednesday night we tried to keep everything really low key because he was so tired he had rings under his eyes. We did have a discussion about his use of that word which actually went really well. We asked him if he knew what it meant and he said it meant "mean" or "nasty." So we explained that he shouldn't use any cuss words, but that there are some cuss words that have extra meaning that is really hurtful and negative. We talked about the n-word and William said- "I would never use that word." So we explained that the f-word he used was similar except that it was a horrible word targeted at gay people. We made the whole conversation about the words and not about him being in trouble. Lawrence actually read him the definition from the dictionary. =) He seemed to really get how hurtful words can be and hopefully we won't hear that word or any other word like it again. So we felt good about turning around a rough day.

We got him showered and in PJs by 7:40pm and talked to him about an early bedtime because he was so tired. We even showed him the rings under his eyes in the mirror. However, when the time came to crawl in bed and read books he just refused. After trying to convince him, and him escalating, we told him he needed to stay in his room if he wasn't going to go to bed. He then proceeded to throw everything in his room on the floor. And when we didn't react to that (other than telling him that he was going to have to clean his room) he climbed up in the window sill, opened the window, and yelled "Help me! Help me! Call the police!" I can sort of laugh now, but at that point it wasn't funny at all. What do you say at that point? We told him that was unacceptable and he backed down. He stayed in his room for half an hour before he came and apologized. So it was 8:45 before he got to bed. And then he was so wound up he didn't fall asleep til 9:30. As I said, weekdays can be tough...

I think William is really struggling with being at a school for kids with behavior problems and being smart enough to realize that it isn't a typical school. Even though he is academically successful, he is really emotionally underdeveloped. He has been through so much in the last year and a half and has so much anger and frustration that he doesn't know how to express appropriately, that it comes out in these really inappropriate ways.

But weekends are usually a much less stressful time. On weekends he is just a kid, having fun and being silly with his uncles. William has been learning about gardening at school (they have a school garden) and both Lawrence and I love to work out in the yard. It is a great bonding time to all be out there together, planting, weeding, cleaning the fish pond, etc. Just being a family. The three of us have been working really hard on our gardens the last month of weekends and we are finally to the "maintenance" phase versus the "planting/starting" phase of the season. Over the years we have completely gotten rid of the grass in our yard (both front and back) and have a yard that is like an oasis in the urban jungle. We love it!

You Two are Too Tough...

Just got the munchkin to bed about twenty minutes ago. Bedtime seems to be hit or miss. Either things go really smoothly or things get ugly quick. Tonight he took his shower and got in his PJs, but then decided to fight brushing his teeth and jumping into bed so that I could read him a book. He started calling us names, "fatty" and "ugly" and "mean." We tried to have a conversation about how that hurt our feelings and wasn't a nice thing to do, but he seems to escalate to a point of red rage and it's hard to pin down exactly what happened to get to that point. Tonight it got to the point where he started emptying out his drawers and was packing because he was going to run away. I had to leave the room to keep from laughing in front of him. I just had this image of the little man walking down the street with a baseball bat over his shoulder with a bag tied to it filled with his spongebob underwear and spongebob nightlight. We have quickly learned that it is best to ignore the negative behavior. Tonight we just walked out and left him in his room. After ten minutes he apologized and we settled him into bed. He loves to tell us that we are too tough on him. I tell him that means we are doing it right. Who would think a face this cute could be such a pain in the butt!
This past weekend we went to my Aunt Jackie's lake houses at the Lake of the Ozarks for a work weekend. Every spring the family goes down a couple weekends to get the houses ready for summer rentals. This weekend we were installing this metal stabilizer to one of the docks. This dock is open to the main channel of the lake and it gets beat up throughout the year. In fact the constant pounding damaged the boat lift and caused the boat to partially sink this winter. To prevent that from happening again we installed this 30 foot metal stabilizer. My dad brought it down in two pieces on a 16 foot trailer and we had to connect the pieces. The whole thing had to have been hilarious to watch. When it came time to put the thing in place it took 18 of us to pick it up and move it. Everyone kept waiting for something bad to happen, but it all went well and we got it into place. William did really good down at the Lake. Alex was down there with us and the two of them played well together. William did a lot of fishing and like all little boys he loves throwing rocks. He would set up a stack of cans and then knock them down. I love that in an age of computers and playstations and 24-7 cartoons that a little boy can still love knocking down cans with rocks. I did take William and Alex for rides on the jet ski, but boy was it freakin' cold. The temp was only about 58 on Saturday and I have no idea the water temperature but it was cold. My feet were numb for about half an hour! We left early Sunday and came home and worked in our gardens. I'll have to put pictures up of our yard once everything is ready for the big reveal. =) We only have a few beds left to clean up in the front yard. In the meantime below are some pics from the weekend at the Lake.

Looking UP...

So that title is a little misleading, but I'm being optimistic here. We are slowly figuring out some of William's triggers and how to cut them off. Unfortunately it seems like as soon as you think you find something that works, it stops working. Sometimes it really feels like we are dealing with two separate children. Monday I worked a 17 hour day. I got to work at 7:15am and got home around 11:45pm. We had to travel to Kirksville, MO for the day. This left Lawrence in charge for the evening. We are quickly figuring out that Monday's are bad days.

Of course, it didn't help that William was exhausted because after putting him to bed (on Sunday night) he woke up and decided to watch himself a little TV. Lawrence happened to get up at 11pm on Sunday night to use the bathroom and heard his TV on. So he no longer has the privilege of a TV in his room. I know many people would think it was ridiculous of us to let him have a TV in his room anyway. Neither me or Lawrence had TVs in our rooms growing up. But we had an extra TV and we were trying to give him a space that was all his own. He loved getting up really early on the weekends and watching cartoons in bed. It also was nice because he has a PS2 and all his games and stuff could be in his room (I guess they still can, he'll just have to lug them out when he wants to play).

Anyway, he was tired and crabby when I got him up Monday morning and as I left for work I just knew things were going to go downhill. William just escalates at times and it seems no matter what you do, no matter how calmly you speak, no matter what tactics you use- there is no calming him down. When William first came to live with us he focused a lot of his vitriol on me, but lately it has been focused on Lawrence. He says some pretty awful things: "You're dumb, You're stupid, I hate you, I wish you'd die, You're evil." And then an hour later he will feel terrible. This is life with a child that is ADHD, has an anxiety and attachment disorder, and has been physically and verbally abused. All of this makes me respect foster parents EVEN MORE. No ONE does this for the money. If I ever hear someone say this again, we will have some words. =)

And then contrast all that with this past weekend. We had a great weekend. We went swimming, went to a Cardinals game, worked outside in the garden, helped with a neighborhood clean-up event, went to dinner and bowling with our friends Gary and Jamie, and even went to a brunch at my friend Jelena's house (to celebrate her FINALLY getting her green card- YEA!). He loved the food at the brunch, which was very European. Crapes, olives, fruit, etc. Very delicious and he went back for seconds (which my little bird-like eater never does). Yes he talked back a couple times and he loves to argue with us about inane things, but his behavior was pretty good all weekend.

So we continue to read articles and books on behavior modification and ADHD and we feel good that most of our instincts are exactly what the books tell you to do. And we try to savor the good moments and look upwards or forward to a time when every day isn't going to be this hard. It is exhausting to be a parent. I really don't know how my parents raised three boys and I don't know what my older brother and sister were thinking when they decided to have three also. They really are crazy! =) Of course once they are in your life, you can't imagine life without them. I cherish our time playing board games, building with Legos, being outside, and more than anything reading books with him. Last night we took turns reading pages and he was just too cute. It truly amazes me how good of a reader he is and how smart he is even though he got little parental support in his education (up until now). So we continue to climb and learn and figure our way as we grow as a family.

Long Week...

This week was insane...  Both work and home.  At work I've had so much to do that I have been working from the moment I walk in the place to the moment I leave.  I think I actually took lunch only once this week.  At home, William had a rough week.  Who am I kidding...we all had a rough week.  William gets points at school.  He can get a maximum of 15. Since he has been with us his daily score fluctuates between 5 and 13.  Although it has mostly been in the lower range.  Well this week he got a 5, 5, 1, and 4 (we'll see how today goes- he has an early dismissal day so you'd think he wouldn't be there long enough to lose that many points).

Besides having a rough week at school, he had a rough week at home.  He is adjusting to our house rules, testing us, testing us, and trying to play us off each other.  The good thing is that he seems to have a bad night and then a good night.  Monday night was horrible.  He had a total melt down after being asked to come to dinner and ignoring us.  Lawrence went in and turned off his TV and he just went off.  He calls us names (this is one of his biggest problems at school too- disrespect for staff and peers) and tells us he hates us.  Anyway, the whole situation went from bad to worse.  We kept trying to defuse the situation and he kept escalating.  It really makes you question your ability to be a parent.  We tried tactic after tactic and nothing seemed to work.  We asked him to go to his room and cool off and then rejoin us at the dinner table when he wanted to apologize.  He preceded to throw all his toys on the floor and barricade himself in his room.  The night did end with a good talk, putting all his toys back where they belong, and apologies to both me and Lawrence. But it took our entire evening. 

And then on Tuesday we played board games all night and he was (mostly) excellent. At times you really feel like you are losing your mind. This morning he got to go to school in his PJs.  Of course he wanted to wear his SpongeBob ones.  However, he wears them so much that they had a big hole in the butt seam.  Luckily we caught it last night and Lawrence sat on the bed and sewed his favorite PJs back together.  It was so cute watching Lawrence sew... I hadn't ever seen him do that before. =) Parenthood seems to bring out the best and worst in a person, especially with a child that is so smart and figures out your buttons in like two seconds and constantly pushes them.  I find myself getting caught up in something he says to me and you really have to consciously stop and realize "This is my stuff and he is just sticking his finger in my wounds, but I'm letting him."  It actually helps to have these realizations. In fact sometimes I find myself laughing at his behavior (on the inside) because it is so textbook. I have an MSW and studied a lot of child/human development. 

So I sent him off to school in his PJs and as I kissed him goodbye and told him to have a good day, I realized how fleeting it all is. Soon he won't let me give him a peck on the forehead to say goodbye.  Soon he won't like SpongeBob.  We get so frustrated by the behavior, and it is harder to savor the good funny moments. I guess that is the challenge of parenthood.  Balancing structure, discipline, and being the parent with being funny and laughing and just being a kid again.  It's a delicate dance and we are still learning the moves. =)

Speaking of growing up fast, I wanted to introduce the two other members of our family-  Blake and Celie.   Blake is a little over three years old and is our little prince.  He is cuddly and quiet and a little wallflower.  Celie is about 7 months old and is the Queen of the House.  She has sooo much personality and is feisty and vocal.  I picked out Blake, both the cat and his name (named after Blake from QAF who I think is adorable).  He was one of three brothers, all grey.  He was the runt.  Typical me, I always want to protect the weak and take care of them.  Celie was born to a stray cat and we took her in when she was only four weeks old (probably too soon, but she did fine).  She was the rambunctious one of the litter and of course that fits Lawrence well.  He picked the name "Celie" from his favorite book, The Color Purple.  It fits her.  She is full of life.  Anyway, I was looking at old pictures of them both the other day and could hardly remember Blake being that small.  They grow up so quick...just like kids. =)

Birthdays

Birthdays are very important in my family. We have a party for everybody, which includes a special cake made by Abby (my sister-in-law). The cake's are always amazing. Birthday party's have gotten crazier and crazier over the years as we have added spouses and more and more kids. I can still remember, not that long ago, when we had birthday parties where there weren't any kids around. We used to be able to sit around and just talk. It was a chance for us all to get together and catch up.

Now with five kids (soon to be six- right Lori and Aaron?) these parties are just loud and fast. At Lawrence's birthday my parents even set up a "kids only" table. They often seem to zoom right by and I feel like I've hardly gotten to talk to anybody. But they are still important. I love the idea of celebrating milestones. Even if they are only for a fleeting moment, they give us a chance to stop and recognize where we are at and how far we have come. To celebrate, to laugh, to talk, and to give gifts that bring a smile to people's faces.


Yesterday we celebrated Alex's birthday (his birthday is actually today). He is really into fighter jets right now, as you can tell by his cake. I can't believe he is 8 years old.


I still remember the day he was born. My uncle had just passed away and I was at home in St. Louis for the funeral. My little brother was still in high school and I remember going up to his high school to get him out early so that we could go to the hospital to see our first nephew. I went to the office and they told me what room he was in. I remember running down the hallway, interrupting his class, and running out with him. It was like Ferris Bueller or something. I felt like I was springing him from jail.

I was so excited. It was the start of a whole new generation. Almost a relief that our family stories and craziness would live on through these new names and faces. I vividly remember the tears and laughter, my parents excitement at their first grandchild, and just holding that little man named Alex.

And now, with William, we have birthday's every single month of the year. A chance once a month to sit down as a family and to enjoy each others company. I often have moments while we are sitting around laughing where I feel like time stops and I float above it all and I just smile at all the love that is around me.

And it is a chance for Uncle Matt to drive all the kids nuts taking pictures (see Maya telling me- "No more pictures!")

Reincarnation

The other night William and I were hanging out in his room playing Go Fish. We were having fun and being silly and it was one of those moments that you just cherish. There is nothing else in the world, just you and this kid having fun. So William loves to just bring up these really deep topics at the most interesting moments. Actually I think it happens when something is on his mind and he actually relaxes a little and lets down his guard. He has spent most of his life not being able to rely on the adults in his life, so it is good that he feels comfortable enough already to talk to us about all sorts of stuff, some funny and some sad. So the conversation goes something like this:

William: Do you think that God lets you come back as someone else after you die?

Me: Well, some people believe you can come back, it's called reincarnation. Other people believe that you go to heaven and stay with God. What do you think?

William: I think God is nice and he'll let me come back.

Me: I'm sure he will.

(At this point my heart is breaking. I'm the softy in the house and I almost start crying because I'm thinking: this little boy is 8 years old and he has already had such a rough life that he already wants a "do over." He has so much life left to live and I want him more than anything to just be happy. Then William says-)


William: Will I see you in heaven?

Me: Of course you will buddy.

William: I don't know. (Smirks at me) You're awfully mean when you take away my privileges.

Classic William.

Mischief

Last Saturday was Lawrence's birthday as well as our 5 year anniversary. The three of us celebrated as a family on Saturday. We opened presents (I bought him a nice Orion telescope, now we just have to get my brother over to show us how to use it), went on a family bike ride in the park, and then went to one of our favorite tapas restaurants for dinner. William did really well at the restaurant. He apparently loves olive tapenade and ate a whole ceasar salad by himself. He behaved really well and was even a little flirt with the bartender who kept giving him Shirley Temple's with LOTS of cherries.

On Sunday we went with some friends to the country to hike around on one of the guy's grandparents farm. We built a fire, hiked, played in the very cold creek, and roasted hot dogs and s'mores. It was a great day (besides a little bit of back-talking from the munchkin).

After we got home we headed out to my parents house for Lawrence's birthday dinner. It was my parents (Ken and Paulette), my little brother (Aaron) and his wife (Lori) and their daughter (Maya- 3 soon to be 4), my older brother (Jeff) and his wife (Abby) and their three kids (Alex- 8 next week, Justin- 5, and Audrey 2). Needless to say, family events are crazy and loud. I love them, Lawrence tolerates them (he's actually enjoying them more than he used to).

Anyway, the kids were playing outside and the adults were all sitting around talking when all of a sudden my nephew Alex comes inside and says: "Uncle Matt- William is getting into some mischief." Not what I want to hear, but as a boy I got into plenty of "mischief" so I wasn't immediately over-concerned.

So I go outside and William is standing on the passenger side of my car across the street. I head over there and find that he has attempted to unlock the car using a piece of thin wood and shoving it into the lock. Of course it broke off and he couldn't get it out. I ask him to step away from the car- immediately. I pulled out a piece of wood from the lock and then try to put in my key. Of course there was wood left in the lock and all I managed to do was push it further in. I was pretty upset at this point and William took off inside because he knew he was in trouble (I found him hiding under a bed). My little brother and dad come out with needles, flashlights, and tweezers (because they'll fix it). No such luck. So now my passenger side door can no longer be unlocked from the outside. William of course didn't understand why it was a big deal because you can still get in from the other side. We tried to explain it a hundred different ways, but either he's being stubborn or he really doesn't get it. My poor little Honda.