Adoption Day #2- Two Official Dads

Today I became the official dad to the one and only Mr. William.

It is hard to describe the feelings I had...relief, joy, shock, nervousness, sadness, excitement, and on and on.

This time we had an awesome judge. She was a new appointee to the Juvenile Court or it was a new rotation for her. She was serious but very very nice. We were joined by my parents, my older brother (Jeff), and Lawrence's dad and step-mom. I felt all of their love and support as I sat up at the table (compared to last time when I had to sit in the audience), but I couldn't look back at them because I knew I'd be overwhelmed by emotions.

The whole thing lasted maybe 15 minutes. It goes so fast it is sort of a blur. In some ways it is very anticlimactic. You put so much energy into jumping through all the hoops and worrying about whether it is truly going to happen and then it is over so fast. Done. Finalized.

For me there was the added worry of being part of a gay couple in Missouri. We are not a very progressive state (although I know LOTS of very wonderful progressive people who live here). You have so much to freak out about during the adoption process and the whole gay thing just adds this whole other level of worry that no one should have to endure. It is this whole sense of constantly feeling like you have to prove you are good enough, that you are better than good enough, that you are exceptional. And maybe some of it is my own stuff, but I worried about making mistakes. That if I make the tiniest of screw-ups that someone can say "See- gay people shouldn't be parents." It's a horrible feeling.

But as I sat in court with my husband and son and listened to the judge, I held my head high. I tried to look her in the eye. I tried to memorize every word being said and to just hold that memory forever. The day I officially became a dad.

More than anything, I just felt the weight of the responsibility. Being responsible for another creature's life...a human life...and one that has been through so much it amazes me every day that he gets out of bed in the morning and reaches out for a hug or a tickle. We are such a resilient race of creatures. We are so wounded and yet we crave love and companionship so much. And in some ways, the simple act of loving someone can heal wounds. I know it isn't that simple, but I'm just amazed at how far the little man has come with just some structure and rules and support and encouragement and love.

So I'm a dad. A father. A parent.

I only got teary eyed once during the proceeding and it is when I was answering questions. They are scripted and I know that everyone who goes through an adoption answers them, but I was looking at our lawyer which meant I was looking at Lawrence and William who were next to me. And I just felt overwhelmed and relieved. I love this child. Love him with all my soul. And I don't think I truly realized how scared I was that he would be taken away. I saw my husband and I just fell in love with him all over again. We are a family. Imperfect. Flawed. Wounded. But full of love.

And I have the most adorable child in the world as my son...

Trip to the Top of the Arch

So I won't go to the top of the Arch anymore. I hate it. I don't hate the arch, I mean it is really cool to look at and I love standing at the bottom and looking up the side as the silver metal curves into the air. But I do hate going to the top of the Arch. I have for a while and I finally took a stand and said that I would no longer go up to the top with visitors to our fair city. The elevators freak me out- they are tiny and they shake like crazy on the way up. And once you get to the top, the arch sways. And not just sways a little, but A LOT. Once I was up there as a storm was moving in and I swear I had to put my hand up to the ceiling to balance myself so I wouldn't fall over.

So like I said...no more going up in the Arch for me.

However, the little man had never been up in the Arch. Therefore, my wonderful husband surprised him one day with a trip to the top. The two of them had their own little adventure. They wandered the museum at the base of the Arch and then got free tickets from two women who decided they were too scared to go to the top. And so up they went...


William was a little nervous, but Lawrence said that once he got up there he thought it was pretty cool.

I love when the two of them do stuff together without me. That sounds kind of weird, but it is just fun to watch them bond. I am definitely the more nurturing of the two of us and William comes to me for affection and cuddles and scrapes. So it is nice when the two of them bond and it doesn't involve bonding that comes from ganging up on me.

When William first moved in with us, I won't lie it was rough...and there was a while there where I wasn't sure Lawrence was going to hang in there. He really did try our patience to the breaking point day after day after day. The funny thing is that the two of them have a lot in common which is good and bad. They both have tempers, they both are stubborn as hell, and they both don't back down. On the positive side, they both have these silly/teasing sides, they both easily make friends, and they both have intense curiosity. I just like to watch the two of them interact. Lawrence is very parental with William. By that I mean that he demands respect and he gets it. William doesn't mess with Lawrence the way he messes with me. I guess I'm not tough enough. William pushes me in a way that Lawrence doesn't allow. But I think it is good for him to learn that there is a time for seriousness and a time for silliness. And I think William is finally starting to get that.

So my boys had an adventure. And they came home in a great mood. And they had these fun pictures to show for it!