I want....

So the other night we walked up the street to the Missouri Botanical Garden. It is one block from our house and during the summer they have free concerts on Wednesday nights. This summer there have actually been quite a few Wednesdays where the weather has been cool enough (meaning in the 80's) that the concerts could be enjoyable. It really is amazing because there must be a thousand people (I'm a horrible crowd guesser, but it feels like that much) just sitting on blankets or in their lawn chairs. People bring wine and cheese or major meals and everybody just sits around and has a great time. The music is varied each week. Sometimes Jazz, sometimes folk, sometimes a gentle rock....always enjoyable.

Anyway, we always park our butts near the fountain where all the kids play while the adults drink wine and listen to the music. William always has to bring UNO and we usually play a couple hands of that. He's so funny...he's obsessed with UNO. He also loves the fountain. I don't think we have even made him where his swimsuit. He just takes off his shoes and socks and shirt and plays (It's only a block to home in his wet pants).

So this week we are sitting there and he takes off his shoes and is getting ready to go play and he is just standing there watching the other kids. Then instead of going to play he plops down in my lap. I say- "Hey buddy, aren't you gonna go play." "Yeah" (and then he justs sits there watching). Finally after a minute or so of silence he says... "I want a brother."

I'm sort of stunned into silence, so he repeats... "Can I have a brother?" At first, I joke with him. "So, how about a baby brother?" As I eye Lawrence to see if he's paying attention. "No, I want a brother that is my age. How about an 8 year old?" "I think we are still getting used to having a nine year old living with us." "How many points do I have to get at school to get a brother?" Now I'm trying not to laugh, but also wanting to end the conversation. "This is a decision for me and Lawrence to talk about making our family bigger. We're all still adjusting to the current situation, why don't we give it some time?" He looks up and smiles at me... "What do I have to do to get a brother as a reward?"

I laugh and send him on his way to play in the fountain.

(He saw all the siblings playing together in the fountain, which is what spurred this discussion. Plus, William has trouble being friends with people. He makes friends easily, but then tends to be mean to them along the way. I think he figures a sibling is stuck with him. What William really needs is for us to show him how to maintain friendships. Of course I know I could use help with that too sometimes. Shut-up Gary. At least I admitted it.)

A brother as a reward... let's start with a pet fish and go from there. =)

I do want a baby though...just so you know.

Retraumatizing the Traumatized

So William's school called in a report to the Abuse Hotline on his bus monitor. I don't think we will ever have the full story, but this is what we have pieced together...

On the way home from school William and some other boy got into a fight. Now, William usually is a verbal fighter and avoids the physical. He's tiny. As a side note, I put in his height and weight into this CDC calculator and William is in the first percentile. That means our little man is, well, little. He is 50 inches tall, 9 years old, and 43 pounds. To give you some indication, he weighs the same as my 5 year old nephew Justin.

Anyway, apparently he got into a physical fight (more rough and tumble than throwing fists) with another boy. The bus monitor pulled them apart and back into their seats. This is where the story has different versions. The important thing is that all parties agree that the bus monitor backhanded William in the face (across the eye). William says she did it after separating them and for no reason (hmmm??). The bus monitor has claimed that William bit her and her reaction was to swing her arm and she hit him. It doesn't really matter what happened, she never should have hit him. Never.

He was unusually quiet that evening, but we couldn't get anything out of him. We actually found out the next morning from school. Apparently another child on the bus was upset by what happened and told their parent who was concerned enough to call the school. The school immediately Hotlined the situation and William was interviewed by an investigator the next morning. We haven't heard anything since and are waiting for our case worker to get back to us on what is happening. The bus monitor was immediately pulled off the bus and in fact his bus driver is different now too.

I guess we will never know exactly what happened. Although the buses are supposed to have video cameras, our principal tells us she has never successfully gotten a video from one of these incidents. They are either not working, not turned on, etc. It's BS and I've thought about a lawsuit, but don't know what good that would do or if I'm just being over the top.

I know William can be a pain. Trust me, I live it and there are times when I want to give him a good whack on the butt (like my mom did with a ping-pong paddle- sorry mom- you know I had to get it in here =) But I don't... The child has been through hell and while his behavior is unacceptable, physical punishment is not the answer. In fact it only escalates his anger and outrage. In other words, it re-traumatizes the traumatized. I'm feeling more and more convinced that William has extreme PTSD. A lot of his other diagnoses seem to be symptoms of PTSD. However, it's all a tangled web and it gets overwhelming. On top of PTSD, he has been diagnosed with ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, an anxiety disorder, an attachment disorder, depression, and the wonderfully ambiguous Severely Emotionally Disturbed (SED).

It's overwhelming to live in the same house as him sometimes. You feel like you don't know what the hell you are doing and it takes every ounce of will power to keep any resemblance of patience and calmness in your voice. But I try to remind myself how much this little boy has been through and how I just want to give him some happy childhood memories. I want him to not be so mean, so unhappy that he can't stand to see other people happy. I want him to smile more and crab less. I want him to laugh. I want his innocence back...

But that isn't reality. And it breaks my heart in a thousand ways. And it pisses me off that he was traumatized by another adult...

And then I have a good cry in the shower and go back to being the best parent I can be...

Summer Time...

Between baseball practice and games, meeting with caseworkers, us working, William in summer school, and trying to eat dinner as a family there isn't a lot of time to enjoy the summer. But we are trying. William loves to just be out in the neighborhood hanging out with friends (or enemies depending on the day). We are trying to expose him to lots of good and diverse stuff, seeing if stuff sparks his interest. Lawrence has been practicing math with him, both multiplication and division. And William is slowly getting it. Actually I think he knows it but he likes to pretend he doesn't know what he's doing. You have to catch him at the right moment. He is enjoying baseball, although he's starting to get frustrated because he can hit the ball in practice, but has been striking out in games. I think he gets nervous. We went to the batting cages and I think that has helped with his confidence.

We also took William to the ballet. We saw Sleeping Beauty. Lawrence really enjoys the ballet and the symphony. I like the symphony most of the time. Ballet isn't my favorite, but I don't hate it. Actually I enjoy it for the first hour or so and then I am sort of done. William did much better than I expected. He was antsy, but made it through three of the four acts. At one point he climbed on my lap and laid his head on my shoulder but was still watching what was happening. It helped to read him the description of each act from the program. Him and me left after the third act and Lawrence and Tim stayed until the end. That night I took William to my mom and dad's house. My mom told me the next day that at one point William was playing with something by himself and she overheard him humming a familiar tune. She finally realized that it was music from Sleeping Beauty. She didn't say anything to him, but said it was really cute. So whether he knows it or not, the music gets inside your head.

On a completely different note, Gary harassed me for not having a picture of the three of us together as a family. My only excuse for this is that I hate pictures of myself. However, the below picture is from Pride weekend and I think its amusing. My son, the ham!


Also just a couple more random pictures from the summer. Our summer roses and a group shot from Ian's 40th Birthday Party (clockwise from me it is John, Charisse, Gary, Jamie, and Ian).

Happy Fourth!

We had a very quiet fourth of July. We spent most of the day lounging around, working around the house, and catching up on Netflix movies. However we did manage to pull ourselves together and make it to the Webster Groves (community within the St. Louis Metro Area where my older brother and sister live and where Lawrence went to high school) fireworks. We met up with Jeff and Abby and their kids. Abby had generously gone up earlier in the day and laid out blankets to save some prime spots for firework viewing.

I love fireworks, but hate crowds. I don't like venturing to the downtown fireworks during the fourth because it is just too crazy. Actually it isn't the crowds that I necessarily dislike, but the traffic. I abhor sitting in traffic (Part of the reason we live 8 minutes from our places of employment). That's why the Webster fireworks are great. Minimal traffic, Lawrence knows the secret routes around the area (since in high school you have nothing better to do but drive around and explore your neighborhood when you finally get your license). William INSISTED on bringing his IPOD. Now usually we have a rule that he can bring his IPOD in the car but he can't take it inside places. He also is not allowed to take it outside when he goes to play. William is just too irresponsible. Some of that I think is that he is just a nine year old boy and it's hard to keep track of these things. But part of it is that I think he grew up in such chaos that when he did get nice things they often got broken or stolen or lost. He has developed this lack of concern for his personal property, which may have served him in the past because if he didn't care too much about anything it didn't matter if it was gone. But at this point it is translating into just being irresponsible with his property. So we are slowly trying to teach him about this.So, on the fourth he insisted on bringing his IPOD in the car. We said OK, but he had to leave it in the car. Of course when we parked he started throwing a fit about wanting to bring it with him to our blankets. We gave in after explaining to him that he was responsible for the IPOD and if he lost it no one was going to replace it for him. (You know where this story is going don't you).

He took it. And then he put it down on the blanket once the fireworks started. When it was time to leave he got up and walked away and left it on the blanket. I saw him do all this and so when I went to shake the blanket out and fold it up, I grabbed the IPOD and put it in my pocket.

He did realize on the 15 minute walk back to the car that he didn't have it. He wanted to go back, but wasn't crying or anything. We told him "no," that he was responsible for remembering it and he forgot and that it was probably gone already anyway. Very little reaction, no tears, and 2 minutes later he was on to something else.

Since then he has brought up his IPOD a couple times (I still haven't told him I have it). He'll randomly ask to go back to the field and find it.

I'll give it back soon, but only after a talk about being responsible for your own things (I know my parents are rolling their eyes at me right now. Saying.."this from our son who kicked a huge hole in our wall with his foot." But I did have to help patch the wall and I think I'm pretty responsible. If anything I'm too responsible...I'm such a rule follower!

Enjoy some funky firework pictures...My hand shook while the camera was taking in the light.

St. Louis PRIDE 2008

William's first pride celebration was this past weekend. It was such a blast. He was HILARIOUS.
First let me say that I love Pride. It makes me feel like I belong to something that is bigger than me. It makes me laugh and get a little teary eyed and feel proud. I love being surrounded by my community. It was St. Louis's 29th annual Pride Festival and the crowds were estimated at 80,000 at the parade (I think that includes those in the parade)!

On Saturday we stopped by the park to walk around the booths and see people after William's baseball game. William was on my back and kept whispering in my ear "Are all these people gay?" Yes sweetie, most of them are. Then he quickly became obsessed with the number of people we knew...or let me say...the number of people Lawrence knew. Many of them I now know, but only because my husband is a little social butterfly. William and me were counting the people Lawrence stopped to talk to. =)

Saturday night my parents volunteered to watch William. So with our night out we went out to celebrate... Actually first we went and saw a movie (The Happening- and I don't recommend it, I thought it was stupid and too graphic. I kept closing my eyes). But then we went out. I don't really like going out to the bars much anymore. And we haven't been out to the dance club in a good six months to a year. I will go out with my boys about once a week, but we usually try to find the quiet places where we can actually talk. My days of the thumpa-thumpa dance music are quickly passing. I'm content to be at home or someplace quiet.

But Pride is different. The energy is different. The crowd is different. We went out and had a blast. Seeing people, crowd watching, talking, having a few drinks. We started at a bar, but ended up at the dance club around midnight. You could tell we are getting older because we were home by 1:30am as things were just getting going out on the town.

Sunday was the parade. Lawrence marched with Band Together:

They led off the parade which was fun. BTW- My husband plays the Sax:

My favorite of the parade was the cheerleaders. They had routines and everything....


I did get a little misty-eyed twice. Once when the gay youth group walked by and there were at least 150 teens marching. And then when Obama's float/car came by with over 200 marchers and the crowd was cheering and chanting OBAMA!! It gave me shivers a little. I want him to win the presidency so bad I can taste it. He inspires me. His speeches (especially the one on race) bring tears to my eyes. He makes me believe. Believe in change. Believe in hope. Believe in this country. Believe that freedom and equality may one day be attainable for all Americans!


But the best part of the parade was William. He made me bring a bag to carry all the goodies he got during the parade. He also quickly became obsessed with getting beads from everyone. We watched the parade with Gary and Jelena and before it started we were making him practice his cute face. Which was really funny because it comes so natural he couldn't quite figure out how to make it on purpose. He kept making these funny faces that looked more like Daffy Duck, Sour Patches, or I'm a little orphan.

At first he was just giving people his cute face, but then we told him he had to yell out for beads. I told him to yell..."You're cute, give me beads" but he kept yelling "I'm cute, give me beads!" We were laughing too hard to correct him.

The end result was 67 bead necklaces which have now been sitting on the family room floor for three days! But look at that face...wouldn't you throw him some beads! =)