One Year of FatherHood

Today marks the one year anniversary since the one and only William moved in with us.

I can't believe it has been an entire year. Somehow it feels like he has been a part of our family forever. Other times it feels like just yesterday it was just me and Lawrence and a blink of time before that I was single and "waiting for my life to begin." (Who knew I should have been enjoying those days more than I did...Ah Hindsight!)

It's difficult to put into words what fatherhood has meant to me. It's tough. Much harder than I ever imagined. Those first few months with William...well I wasn't sure I would survive. I remember thinking every single night, "I can't do this." "It is just too much." I remember every cell of my body aching with stress. Nothing made things better...and as my friends Gary and Jamie can tell you, I just want to fix everything.

I wanted to fix William. I wanted to erase all those horrible experiences. I wanted him to just be a typical little boy. It took me longer than it probably should of to realize that what I wanted didn't matter at all. That pain hurts and anger can be righteous. That there was no fixing William. There was loving him, giving him structure and rules, and never giving up. And there was sitting with, worrying about, obsessing over, crying through, and embracing the pain. I wanted more than anything to shelter him from the pain, but that doesn't work.

It is one of the most heart-wrenching things to watch a child be in emotional pain. I honestly don't know how we made it through those first 6 months, me or Lawrence. I just kept telling myself..."make it through one more second, one more minute, one more hour, one more day..." It will get better. Our work will pay off. Love will get through. We humans are amazing creatures. We move through the pain and we keep living. Those months are a blur of heightened emotions. Living on edge, never knowing what was coming next. My whole life felt out of control. It was terrifying and exciting all at the same time.

And now I look at my son, one year later, and my heart aches in a totally different way. I love my husband with all my heart, but loving a child is completely different. I can't even imagine life without this wonderful creature. He drives me nuts, breaks my heart, steps on my emotions, and I come back for more. I love him beyond anything I have ever imagined. It is a love that is so deep it comes from a place I'm not even sure I would have ever found within me if William hadn't entered my life.

He is a different child. He is still moody and mouthy, but he is so full of love. He has mellowed and continues to mellow. He is excelling in school in ways I never imagined. He is funny and sweet and caring and generous. He amazes me.

And fatherhood has changed me. I've mellowed. I've relaxed. (I mean I am still a complete ball of stress and worry, but there is some mellowing occurring. Maybe it is this aging process and maybe it's William or maybe it's both). I try to do at least one fun goofy thing with William each day. Play a game, take time to tickle him, have a staring contest, copy everything he says, etc. That stuff is easy for me...I just channel my inner child (who never really left). I don't want him to grow up...fatherhood is like having a second chance at childhood from a different perspective and with a body that doesn't quite keep up as good. Fatherhood is tucking him into bed each night and giving him a kiss. Fatherhood is standing in one place and watching as your child grows up and matures so fast. You sort of have to shake yourself so you don't stand there and miss it all happen. Fatherhood is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

And things seem to be slowing down or maybe I'm moving faster. Or maybe having him used to such a routine frees you to enjoy the ride more. I feel myself relaxing. Trusting that he is gaining control over his emotions, that he can hold it together in public, that he is growing, that he is beginning the work of understanding his emotions instead of just feeling them and letting them control him.

He has a long way to go...but don't we all. I don't worry about making it through the next day. I look forward to each day I get with him.

I love him and I feel lucky everyday to have him in life.