Adoption Day #2- Two Official Dads

Today I became the official dad to the one and only Mr. William.

It is hard to describe the feelings I had...relief, joy, shock, nervousness, sadness, excitement, and on and on.

This time we had an awesome judge. She was a new appointee to the Juvenile Court or it was a new rotation for her. She was serious but very very nice. We were joined by my parents, my older brother (Jeff), and Lawrence's dad and step-mom. I felt all of their love and support as I sat up at the table (compared to last time when I had to sit in the audience), but I couldn't look back at them because I knew I'd be overwhelmed by emotions.

The whole thing lasted maybe 15 minutes. It goes so fast it is sort of a blur. In some ways it is very anticlimactic. You put so much energy into jumping through all the hoops and worrying about whether it is truly going to happen and then it is over so fast. Done. Finalized.

For me there was the added worry of being part of a gay couple in Missouri. We are not a very progressive state (although I know LOTS of very wonderful progressive people who live here). You have so much to freak out about during the adoption process and the whole gay thing just adds this whole other level of worry that no one should have to endure. It is this whole sense of constantly feeling like you have to prove you are good enough, that you are better than good enough, that you are exceptional. And maybe some of it is my own stuff, but I worried about making mistakes. That if I make the tiniest of screw-ups that someone can say "See- gay people shouldn't be parents." It's a horrible feeling.

But as I sat in court with my husband and son and listened to the judge, I held my head high. I tried to look her in the eye. I tried to memorize every word being said and to just hold that memory forever. The day I officially became a dad.

More than anything, I just felt the weight of the responsibility. Being responsible for another creature's life...a human life...and one that has been through so much it amazes me every day that he gets out of bed in the morning and reaches out for a hug or a tickle. We are such a resilient race of creatures. We are so wounded and yet we crave love and companionship so much. And in some ways, the simple act of loving someone can heal wounds. I know it isn't that simple, but I'm just amazed at how far the little man has come with just some structure and rules and support and encouragement and love.

So I'm a dad. A father. A parent.

I only got teary eyed once during the proceeding and it is when I was answering questions. They are scripted and I know that everyone who goes through an adoption answers them, but I was looking at our lawyer which meant I was looking at Lawrence and William who were next to me. And I just felt overwhelmed and relieved. I love this child. Love him with all my soul. And I don't think I truly realized how scared I was that he would be taken away. I saw my husband and I just fell in love with him all over again. We are a family. Imperfect. Flawed. Wounded. But full of love.

And I have the most adorable child in the world as my son...