"NeverDads" - Loss, Grief, and Separation

The many moods of the little man.... They can be so frustrating and so annoying, but sometimes you just have to step back and laugh. As the holidays approach, I'm beginning to worry. In our adoption classes they said that the holidays stir up lots of feelings of loss, separation, and grief. These kids are just torn from their families and thrown into the foster care system. Their whole world is thrown into disarray. Even though they come from abusive or neglectful families, they are their families and it is what they know and have learned to deal with. The foster system is a huge unknown. I can't imagine being seven years old and being taken from my family and placed with some random family. How do kids deal with that?

For William it was worse. He was removed from his home and taken to a residential center as an emergency temporary placement. His first night there he was given the wrong medicine. They had to take him to the ER. I can't imagine being seven years old and going to the hospital without your parents, surrounded by strangers. It is no wonder the little man has anxiety attacks when we go to the doctor.

Luckily when William was released from the hospital he was placed with a foster mom named Scarlet. I thank God for that women every day. She had William in her house for a little over a year while the state drug its feet on placing him with us. He didn't get passed around, he wasn't in a crappy foster home, he was with a women who loved him and cared for him and also gave him structure and discipline. And now he is with us and the holidays bring feelings of excitement and joy and family togetherness, but also feelings of sadness and loss and anxiety. This results in the many moods of William.

Lately he has started referring to us as his "NeverDads" as in "You're never gonna be my dad." He says it as a joke, to get our goat...but then when we just laughed and didn't react to it, it became a sort of term of endearment. It seems to be sort of a transition word. He isn't ready to call us Dad or Pop or whatever, but he's searching for something to call us other than Ryan and Lawrence. And so we are his NeverDads. And we laugh...and we mourn for our losses...and we celebrate the good. We are human and we are a family and holidays will never be the same. They will always be mixed with lots of different feelings. And that is OK. That is life... Our family is different, we always will be. And that too is something William will celebrate and be frustrated by and be angry about and hopefully someday he'll embrace. Right now though, we'll focus on making it through the holidays...

OBAMA!!!!!

OK...so first off. Doesn't our little munchkin look like President-elect Obama?? =)

All right, I'll admit it. I have been obsessed. I had Obama fever. Say what you want...say that I swallowed the kool-aid or blue pill or whatever. I am a believer. I truly don't understand how you can't be. I listen to his speeches and I get choked up. I read his speech on race last spring and I openly wept at work. Apparently there is an optimist inside of me that never died (I truly thought that after 8 years of W. that I was a full blown, always think the worst, pessimist).

When they called Pennsylvania and then Ohio I felt my throat constrict. I thought...this is really happening. This country is moving forward in a huge way.

I wasn't prepared when they called it. It all happened so quick. (Or quick compared to the last two presidential elections where I stayed up all night.) I was sitting on the couch and flipping channels and it happened. They declared Obama the next President of the United States. I didn't even feel it coming. I just started crying...sobbing actually. It was like this weight just lifted off my heart. It was one of those moments when the stress and tension just leave your body, you let down your guard...and boom...the emotion all hits you. It was a bizarre couple minutes...I truly felt like I had lost my mind. I was crying, smiling, and laughing all at the same time.

I'm sure you all think I'm nuts by now. And maybe I am crazy to put so much belief in one person. But this election means the world to me, my husband, and our son.

My son, who has been through crap that most people laying on their death beds haven't been through, can now look at our President and see reflected not just someone who looks like him but somebody that represents all that he can achieve. No, William will probably never be President. But he knows that the sky's the limit.

And if you think this stuff doesn't really make a difference let me tell you a little story. The other night William and my mom were driving in the car and out of nowhere William says: "You know that Barack Obama is half black and half white." My mom says: "Yes he is. His mom was white and his dad was black." William says: "That's how I am. I wish that I was one or the other instead of both." My mom says: "Oh sweetie, but you get the best of both worlds." (which I will give my mom props for because it was an excellent response under pressure. William pulls these conversations out of nowhere and the pressure to not say the wrong thing is enormous.)

The conversation ended there and William was off on another topic. But this stuff affects him. To white kids he is African-American. To African-American kids he's white. It's a tough world to be stuck in and I know that he struggles with it a lot and gets picked on at school, at his after-school program, and in our neighborhood.

But now he has someone to look up to that also has a white mom and a black dad. And as much as he wants to pretend that he doesn't like being told he looks like Obama, he secretly loves it. I see it in his eyes. (Even when he's chanting "John McCain, John McCain, John McCain" when Obama supporters are canvassing our house.)

And for me, Obama represents the future. Moving away from the hate and division that has permeated politics for the last decade. I can't even explain what it feels like to be used as a political wedge issue. It amazes me how casually people throw out stuff about gay people. I just want to scream. "I'm not some abstract concept. My life is not a political game. My family is not the devil. I'm not trying to destroy the fabric of society."

I'm just trying to make a space for me and my husband and our son to live our lives. To have the same rights as everyone else. To not have to explain to my son why our Facebook pages say we are married, but we aren't really married. And to see the confusion in his face. To explain that some people don't want us to have that right and they think being gay is wrong. I don't want to tell him about the harsh realities of life and how cruel people can be.

But I don't have to...he knows. He lives it. He is a bi-racial nine year old with two white gay dads. He knows the cruelty of teasing. He already experiences it on a daily basis. He hears the laughter, the nasty words, the mean-spiritedness of people's comments.

But now there is hope. H.O.P.E. We just want to live our lives. To carve out our niche. Don't we all have enough of our own crap to deal with. Do we have to heap that sadness on everyone who is different than us?

"We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness."

Isn't that what it's all about.

I know I'm a cheese, but I can't help it...Obama is our next President and I have HOPE in the future and our son's future. I can't stop smiling.

Tricks and Treats...

HALLOWEEN...the night of ghosts and goblins and LOTS of Candy! I loved Halloween as a kid and let's be honest, I loved it as a teenager too. Yes I was one of those obnoxious older kids who still went out each year. But at least I dressed up!

For many years in my 20's, Halloween fell off my radar. I guess I outgrew it or there wasn't the same feeling to it. The magic of it just went out for me.

And then, along came nephews and nieces, and that old feeling of loving the holiday came back. I loved going to see the kids all dressed up. Seeing how giddy they were to go out and collect candy door to door.

So, this year just added a new layer of excitement. William, of course, HAD to be SpongeBob!! Being the procrastinator that I am, I was up until 1am the night before making his costume. I think it turned out cute, although the box I used was heavy duty and I didn't realize how heavy it would be on his head. I drove him to school so that he wouldn't have to lug it on the bus. He got embarrassed right as we drove up to school and he told me later that when it came time to put on their costumes William didn't want to put his on. Luckily, one of his teachers had dressed up as SpongeBob too (she pinned kitchen sponges to her shirt and had a name tag on that said, "Hello, my name is Bob) and she was able to encourage him to put it on. He said everybody in the gym loved it. It was so cute to hear him tell the story. Anyway...below is our little SpongeBob.

That night we went over to Jeff and Abby's house to go trick or treating with the cousins. It was hilarious. Lori, Abby, and me walked around the neighborhood with the kids while Jeff handed out candy. Grandma Paulette came by to see all her grandkids dressed up. Maya was the princess from Sleeping Beauty, Justin was a photo enforced stoplight, Audrey was a little pink pig, and Alex was a fighter pilot. Justin was hilarious because he would take his hat off between houses and when he would knock on the door he would ask, "Why are adults afraid of me?" The people would say, "I don't know." And he would put his hat on and say, "because I'm photo enforced." People got a huge kick out of it. It was a fun night and we were able to avoid a candy free-for-all and have agreed to spread out his candy haul over the next couple weeks! =)

Dinner Party!

Every once in a while we get to still act like grown-ups. For instance, last night we had a dinner party at our house with a couple of friends. It was fun to have people over and enjoy adult conversation.
William actually does really well at these type of events, which always surprises me. I forget how smart he is and that he actually does know how to act properly and behave himself and he saves his horrendous behavior for when no one else is around. But he likes to dress up and likes to be the only kid with a bunch of adults. Of course he didn't want to sit next to me or Lawrence. He ended up at the head of the table next to Jon and Dean. William and Dean (the guy on the right in the above picture who is one of the sweetest guys in the world by the way) hit it off and Dean got him to try goat cheese (which he loved) and bread with pesto which he also liked. William surprises me with the food he likes. He loves olive tapenade and salads and different cheeses. Recently we were out to dinner and their were Parmesan Cheese slivers on his salad and he couldn't stop talking about how good they were. He made me try one! Such a funny kid.



Anyway, it was a fun night and he did really well. We went up and played a game and got PJs on and then he came down to say goodnight. He was doing so well I half expected him to break out with a little song... "So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night. I hate to go and leave this pretty sight..."

A Lost Camera and More Birthdays

So we got robbed or something. It's the weirdest thing ever, but William's Wii and our digital camera disappeared out of the house. The weirdest thing is that they took the Wii and all the Wii games, but left the PlayStation and all of its games. They were sitting next to each other. Anyway, it's been over a month and the mystery has yet to be solved.

In the meantime, I didn't have a camera for a month which kind of makes blogging difficult because I think pictures are vital to telling the story. So there is a month missing from my blog. Just know that it isn't that we didn't do anything for a month, I just don't have pictures.

What have we been up to... Well, we celebrated my little sister Lori's birthday in late September. She got herself a new tatoo for her birthday! I love that girl. We celebrated Jamie's birthday by going out to Mia Rosa (new Tapas restaurant that I don't recommend- OK food, but overpriced) with the gang. We went to my Uncle Joe's new farm for the day on an early October weekend. (I'm gonna try to get pictures from Aaron and Lori because I think they may have some.) We went to Lawrence's Band Together concert, which was fun except that William was in a mood and it went until after 10pm which is where you start entering the crabby zone!

So that about catches things up to now.

My birthday was on the 22nd. It was the big 33. I actually don't mind it. I like my 30's so far and I think 33 sounds kind of cool. So we celebrated with the family at Jeff and Abby's house and I got a NEW camera from my parents and Aaron & Lori. My older siblings, Jeff and Abby got me a new mixer (I killed ours and I can't remember how but I remember the smell because I fried the motor) and a massage!! I need to make an appt. soon! My parents also gave me a Lowe's gift card because I'm always working on projects around the house. It was a good party and as usual the cake was outstanding. Really that is the most important thing at a b-day party. And I took a couple pics with my new camera...




























































On my actual birthday I went out to dinner with just my boys (Lawrence and William- duh). We went to Llywelyn's Pub. It was quiet, simple, and painless- Just the way I like my birthday to be. After dinner the three of us took a walk down a couple of the "private" streets in the Central West End. It was actually unseasonably warm and was a gorgeous night. The streets have gates but the sidewalks are open and the houses are HUGE. So we picked out our favorites and laughed about what we would do with all that room. It was kind of surreal to just walk down the street holding the hand of the love of my life and watch this little man run ahead of us singing some weird song that he picked up from kids at school. It was one of those moments that was just perfect. That you want to just hold on to. It's funny how our minds work because I'm sure in reality William may have been saying something inappropriate and my husband may have been annoyed that I was holding his hand in public. But in my head and my memory, I forget that stuff and just think about the happy parts. A nice simple dinner and a quiet moon-lit stroll with my husband and child. The perfect birthday.























































Oh yeah and Lawrence got me lots of gifts too...A beautiful new sweater, a manicure and pedicure, Will & Grace: The Final Season, and a NEW Vacuum Cleaner (I know I'm old because I was REALLY excited about this. It's so fun to use. And Yes, I'm a dork and a clean-freak. Just ask Lawrence!) Wow...putting those presents in writing...I'm so gay...clothes, spa, gay TV show, and a vacuum...it doesn't get much gayer unless you throw in Barbara and I don't like her (but my husband LOVES her).

Family Reunion...A New Tradition??

This past weekend my immediate family went to my aunt's houses down at the Lake of the Ozarks in mid-Missouri. My sister Kristi and her husband Steve and their son Bryce came up from Oklahoma City. There were 12 adults and 6 kids. It was hilarious and fun and crazy and relaxing.

To start with the funniest story, I have to give some context. So I just found out about Kristi in June of 2007 and this was the first time we had seen her since then. So on Friday Lawrence and William and I arrive down at the Lake around 6pm. We all eat dinner and unwind and then get the kids to bed. Finally when it is just the adults, we grab some beers and hang out on the porch just talking and laughing. Now, you need to understand my little brother has a warped sense of humor and he's always harassing me. So in the first few hours of being there he has probably walked by me and twisted my nipple like 18 times.

At some point I go in the house to grab a beer and I'm in there for a while talking to my sister Lori. Finally we go back out into the dark and as I'm walking around the table I scoot by my brother and I reach out and twist his nipple. He says: "Thank you" and I keep going around the table. I sit down and look next to me and my little brother is sitting there with his mouth open. Time stops as the realization of what I had just done washes over me. I had walked by Kristi's husband Steve and twisted his nipple. This man who I had met once in my life. The most ironic part is that of course it was the gay brother who does this and Steve is in the military. Nice!

Luckily Steve has a great sense of humor and I was mortified enough for everyone. My little brother wouldn't let it go of course and kept coming up with new horrible nicknames...the nippler, the nip-burglar, etc. None of them were funny. =)

The rest of the weekend was less eventful. We chilled, swam, jet skied, tubed, hung out, played cards, etc. I love going down there anyway because it's just relaxing, but this time it was extra special.

My favorite part was sitting up one night talking about how the three of us (Kristi, my mom, and me) have this weird connection with the spirit world. That sounds strange, but we all have had experiences with ghosts or spirits. And Kristi and me both have dreams that come true, like real premonitions. I think it was reassuring for Kristi to know that she has family that has the same "weird" experiences and for us it is just always kind of fun to find someone else that has those kind of stories.

This was the weekend that Hurricane Ike came up from the south through Missouri. It passed through the lake later in evening on Saturday. The wind was pretty strong and it poured buckets of water. In fact, the other funny story of the weekend is waking up on Sunday morning to a 20 degree temperature drop and my little brother finding that the little fishing boat had sunk. If it hadn't of been tied to the dock it would have been gone. It took all of us to tip it enough that we could get enough water out of it so that it would float. Aaron being the youngest and the bravest? dumbest? jumped in the water and pulled the boat to shore. It was quite the adventure.

William loves being down at the lake. He loves fishing. LOVES being in the water. And I think it is just one of those places where a boy can be a boy. He gets dirty and doesn't have to shower because he sort of bathes in the lake. =) I mean let's be honest. Lawrence gets grossed out because I still will go down to the lake for a long weekend and I won't shower the whole time either. So why would I make our 9 year old bathe! William also seemed to hit it off with Bryce. They have a bit in common in that they both like the outdoors, are both pretty athletic, both like video games, etc. So that was really cool also.

My favorite picture from the weekend is our huge family pic. It just makes me smile! Notice the ham in the lower right corner throwing out one of his weird kissy faces.

Audrey's Third Birthday

The above picture just cracks me up. For one, it is just too cute. Audrey (in the middle) was about a month away from her birthday in this picture. She just looks so big. And then there is the protective big brother, Alex, holding onto her. With Justin, the silly middle brother, with his hand in his armpit.

Meanwhile, Maya is just too cool! "Look at me world!"

So, I can't believe Audrey is three. She's the youngest of the nieces and nephews. They grow up so quick. As with tradition in their family, Audrey has now transitioned into a big girl bed and she started preschool. She is really, really into Angelina Ballerina and is taking ballet lessons. Of course, surprise, she picked an Angelina birthday cake.

She got a doll house from her mom and dad too, which she had to show to everyone. I think William even played with it a little bit.


It was a fun birthday party. I mean how can you go wrong when cake and ice cream are involved! My favorite part of the whole party was when we were opening presents and I looked over and William was sitting between grandpa's legs. I got a little choked up thinking about leaning my head on my dad's shoulder during church growing up. It seems like yesterday.

William has taken to my parents so quickly. He already calls them Grandma Paulette and Grandpa Ken. Of course, since they specialize in spoiling grandkids rotten I figured it wouldn't take them long to suck him in. He loves spending the night at their house...chilling in the hot tub... playing on grandpa's playstation...fishing in the lake...riding his scooter around the lake...etc. He never wants to leave. Of course I think he talks them into giving him soda, which we won't give him, so that helps in the bribery category!

Anyway, I had a picture of him and grandpa from the party, but our camera got stolen. So instead, it has to just be one of those mental memories. Picturing the two of them just makes me revert back to being nine years old and knowing I was safe as long as my dad was around...