"NeverDads" - Loss, Grief, and Separation

The many moods of the little man.... They can be so frustrating and so annoying, but sometimes you just have to step back and laugh. As the holidays approach, I'm beginning to worry. In our adoption classes they said that the holidays stir up lots of feelings of loss, separation, and grief. These kids are just torn from their families and thrown into the foster care system. Their whole world is thrown into disarray. Even though they come from abusive or neglectful families, they are their families and it is what they know and have learned to deal with. The foster system is a huge unknown. I can't imagine being seven years old and being taken from my family and placed with some random family. How do kids deal with that?

For William it was worse. He was removed from his home and taken to a residential center as an emergency temporary placement. His first night there he was given the wrong medicine. They had to take him to the ER. I can't imagine being seven years old and going to the hospital without your parents, surrounded by strangers. It is no wonder the little man has anxiety attacks when we go to the doctor.

Luckily when William was released from the hospital he was placed with a foster mom named Scarlet. I thank God for that women every day. She had William in her house for a little over a year while the state drug its feet on placing him with us. He didn't get passed around, he wasn't in a crappy foster home, he was with a women who loved him and cared for him and also gave him structure and discipline. And now he is with us and the holidays bring feelings of excitement and joy and family togetherness, but also feelings of sadness and loss and anxiety. This results in the many moods of William.

Lately he has started referring to us as his "NeverDads" as in "You're never gonna be my dad." He says it as a joke, to get our goat...but then when we just laughed and didn't react to it, it became a sort of term of endearment. It seems to be sort of a transition word. He isn't ready to call us Dad or Pop or whatever, but he's searching for something to call us other than Ryan and Lawrence. And so we are his NeverDads. And we laugh...and we mourn for our losses...and we celebrate the good. We are human and we are a family and holidays will never be the same. They will always be mixed with lots of different feelings. And that is OK. That is life... Our family is different, we always will be. And that too is something William will celebrate and be frustrated by and be angry about and hopefully someday he'll embrace. Right now though, we'll focus on making it through the holidays...

I want....

So the other night we walked up the street to the Missouri Botanical Garden. It is one block from our house and during the summer they have free concerts on Wednesday nights. This summer there have actually been quite a few Wednesdays where the weather has been cool enough (meaning in the 80's) that the concerts could be enjoyable. It really is amazing because there must be a thousand people (I'm a horrible crowd guesser, but it feels like that much) just sitting on blankets or in their lawn chairs. People bring wine and cheese or major meals and everybody just sits around and has a great time. The music is varied each week. Sometimes Jazz, sometimes folk, sometimes a gentle rock....always enjoyable.

Anyway, we always park our butts near the fountain where all the kids play while the adults drink wine and listen to the music. William always has to bring UNO and we usually play a couple hands of that. He's so funny...he's obsessed with UNO. He also loves the fountain. I don't think we have even made him where his swimsuit. He just takes off his shoes and socks and shirt and plays (It's only a block to home in his wet pants).

So this week we are sitting there and he takes off his shoes and is getting ready to go play and he is just standing there watching the other kids. Then instead of going to play he plops down in my lap. I say- "Hey buddy, aren't you gonna go play." "Yeah" (and then he justs sits there watching). Finally after a minute or so of silence he says... "I want a brother."

I'm sort of stunned into silence, so he repeats... "Can I have a brother?" At first, I joke with him. "So, how about a baby brother?" As I eye Lawrence to see if he's paying attention. "No, I want a brother that is my age. How about an 8 year old?" "I think we are still getting used to having a nine year old living with us." "How many points do I have to get at school to get a brother?" Now I'm trying not to laugh, but also wanting to end the conversation. "This is a decision for me and Lawrence to talk about making our family bigger. We're all still adjusting to the current situation, why don't we give it some time?" He looks up and smiles at me... "What do I have to do to get a brother as a reward?"

I laugh and send him on his way to play in the fountain.

(He saw all the siblings playing together in the fountain, which is what spurred this discussion. Plus, William has trouble being friends with people. He makes friends easily, but then tends to be mean to them along the way. I think he figures a sibling is stuck with him. What William really needs is for us to show him how to maintain friendships. Of course I know I could use help with that too sometimes. Shut-up Gary. At least I admitted it.)

A brother as a reward... let's start with a pet fish and go from there. =)

I do want a baby though...just so you know.