Little Brother's Birthday

Another birthday, Another Party...

Today was my little brother's 27th birthday! I can't believe he's 27. It makes me feel old.


He's had a hard go of things lately and he deserved a good birthday with a big chocolate cake. I hinted at things in an earlier post (and he'll hate it that I'm going to talk about this) but my little brother was diagnosed with cancer. I can't even begin to explain how it feels to hear your little brother say that to you. I clearly remember the day he went to the doctor and was sent immediately for an ultrasound. I was in a meeting and my cell rings and I see that it is him so I answer it. I say hello and I can hear it in his voice. He was just leaving the clinic and getting in his car. His voice cracked as he said it to me..."I have cancer." I can't even imagine what that was like for him to hear. It was horrible enough for me to hear as his brother. It was like time just stops and nothing else matters. I needed to see him and be there. This shouldn't be happening to my little brother. He's just a baby.

My little brother is a LOT like my dad. Everything is infused with jokes and laughing. It's the way they cope. But during this whole ordeal there were moments where I caught the look in his eye or the way his face would drop and you could see the fear and heartache. It's a horrible feeling to be powerless. I felt so powerless to say the right thing, do the right thing, make things better. There was no making it better. All we had was wading through it together.

At Thanksgiving, my little brother's wife Lori made a toast. She had been watching a TV show on elephants. When the baby elephants are in trouble or threatened, the adult elephants circle around them and protect them. The Barker family is like a herd of elephants. When someone's in trouble we circle around them, protect them.



I

























I love the show "Brothers and Sisters" because it is an over-dramatized version of my family. We aren't that bad, but sometimes we're a little much. At times the Barker's can be suffocating, especially if you aren't used to it. I'm not sure how the in-laws (Abby, Lori, Lawrence) put up with us. But it is absolutely true that if you mess with one of us, you mess with all of us. When someone is sick or wounded, we are there guarding them, watching them.

My little brother's surgery went well. They removed the tumor and got all of it. There have been lots of jokes about bronzing it and putting it in a bell. There has been lots of laughter and some tears, both as a family and as individuals. Aaron will start radiation in January. He'll have it every day (M-F) for a month. It's gonna be a tough month, but he'll be OK. He has to be OK. He's my little brother and he's 27 years old and I adore him. His wife has secretly told me that he looks up to me, but the truth is I look up to him too. He's always been the personable one, the funny one, the athletic one. But he also has a heart of gold and is like a giant teddy bear. Just seeing the way he is with his daughter will make anybody's heart melt. He is such a good dad.














And so we will circle around him. Like the giant herd of elephants that we are. And we'll get through it, he'll get through it.

But for now we'll celebrate his 27 years on Earth. And we'll laugh and we'll hang out and we'll eat cake and the kids will help open his birthday presents and we will probably have a drink or two and we will just be our normal crazy family.

Happy Birthday little brother!

And by the way take off that stupid Brett Favre jersey. The man is such a poser.

Jelena's Birthday- Food with Love

For Jelena's birthday she asked that "the gang" get together for some down-home cooking straight from the farm boy himself...Mr. Jamie. You NEVER leave Jamie's house hungry. And it's not just lots of food...it's GOOD food. And it's made with love. At some point I had William convinced that love was an actual ingredient in food and that Jamie's food tasted so good because he put extra love in it. =)

For now, this is an adorable trait, i.e., being gullible. However, at some point, let's say 33 years old, it isn't cute- it just makes you feel stupid. Yes, I am talking about myself. I am incredibly gullible. My brothers, father, and husband love to get me to believe the dumbest things. Often they aren't even that creative, I'm just trusting. Luckily, I have other gullible individuals around me. My sister Lori, my mother, and now my son. I love that he's gullible. Sometimes we have to be really careful about being sarcastic because he takes you seriously. In fact, one of his favorite things to say is "Are you serious?."

One night we were doing homework and he was reading a story about Oak Trees. He had to answer questions about the story. One of the questions was about squirrels and acorns. He wrote a really silly answer and I told him that it wasn't correct and that he needed to erase it (The correct answer was that squirrels save acorns to eat during the winter). He got upset and asked me what the answer was. I think I said "Come on William, what do squirrels do with acorns? Throw them at each other?"

A few minutes later he said he was done with homework and ran upstairs. I looked over his homework and there it was- "Squirrels save acorns to throw at each other."

Like I said. The kid will believe anything. Wait, maybe he knows that I'll believe anything and so he's just playing innocent to get away with stuff. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure whether he is truly gullible or just playing me. Who is teasing who? Does he have my number or is he as gullible as I am. The more I think about it the more unsure I am.

Back to Jelena's party. William did awesome. I think he is getting used to dinner parties/birthday parties because we have them ALL the time. Although at least at my family birthday parties there are other kids to play with. But even when it is all adults he does pretty well. At adult parties you can get one of two Williams. 1) Center of Attention William. Hey everybody look at me. I'm funny. I 'm cute. Love me! 2) Adults are Stupid and Boring William. I'm going to put my headphones in and listen to my ipod and ignore all of you. Either William has its pros and cons.

At Jelena's party he was a mix of both. At first he was being funny. Jamie made spaghetti and William was putting cooked spaghetti noodles on his face giving himself a fu-man-chu. Gary has pictures that are pretty hilarious. Later William went into William number 2 mode and was just chill.

Sometimes I feel a little guilty about dragging him places, but I'm learning that parents have to take some time to themselves even when you don't have a babysitter. For the most part it feels like my life revolves around the little man. But every once in a while I need to be around friends and have adult conversation. And we're lucky that he does so well. He almost never whines or says "When are we going home?" We're lucky that way. All the kid needs is his ipod, an audience, and some food made with LOVE. From Left to Right: Jamie (in his Michael J. Fox "I fell off a boat" coat), Me, William, Jelena, Ian, Charisse, John, and Gary (Lawrence is taking the picture).
Can you see how big those bowls of food are? William in his favorite hoodie shirt. He's getting ready to enter his "Adults are stupid and boring" persona. He's got his ipod in his hand.

Dancing Queen...Excuse Me...King

The long awaited premiere release is finally here!
I have no words for this moment, so I will let the video speak for itself. Needless to say, I was laughing through my tears.

I love this kid!

What I'm Thankful For...

We had Thanksgiving at Jeff and Abby's house this evening. Lots of food, lots of fun, lots of kids! My belly is really full and I'm ready for bed, but I wanted to write down a few of my thoughts. First, I have to give a shout out to my husband for his squash dish. I don't know exactly what was in it, but it was squash, cheese, onions, butter?? Not sure what else, but it was delicious! My nephew Alex had three helpings (which surprised me that a kid would like squash). So, there were great eats at dinner...Turkey, stuffing, crannberries, vegetable dish, squash dish, potatoes (both regular and sweet), and LOTS of pie. While Christmas is my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving is my favorite food holiday.

And since it is Thanksgiving, I thought I would make a list of things I am Thankful for...

1. My husband. Even when I want to strangle him, I love him. He is the Ying to my Yang. We are very different creatures, but we balance each other out.

2. My son. It's been a little over 8 months since he moved in and its been a long road but I can't imagine life without him. He frustrates me, he drives me crazy, he is a pain in my butt. He also makes me laugh and he's fun to hang out with and he's smart and sarcastic and he's freakin' adorable.



3. My family, My immediate family- Ken and Paulette; Kristi, Steve, and Bryce; Jeff, Abby, Alex, Justin, and Audrey; Aaron, Lori, and Maya. And my extended family- Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, second cousins, third cousins, etc. They make me laugh, they keep me going, they are my rock. I love hanging out with them and I know if I need them that they will be there.

4. My friends. I have been blessed in such amazing ways by all the people that are a part of my life. Whether I talk to them a couple times a week, once a month, or once a year- I am one of the luckiest people in the world when it comes to the amazing people that are part of my life. Although we are spread out from San Jose, CA to Providence, RI to Raliegh, NC and everywhere in between. I love them all and I miss them all. And as husbands and wives and partners and babies are added to the mix, it just makes the web of connections and love even larger.


5. My gardens. Winters are a hard season because I can't be outside working in our flower gardens. There is something about digging in the dirt that is good for the soul.

6. Books. Where else could I ride on the back of a dragon, hold the hand of a dying friend, and hear about romancing a vampire. They are my escape, my release, and I believe the world would be an incredibly sad place without them. 7. Work. There are days when I want to walk out and never come back, but there are other days when I feel incredibly passionate about working on policies that impact the lives of low-income Missourians.

8. Drinks. Honestly, I've become less and less of a drinker...maybe one or two per week but sometimes I just really really need a big drink!

9. Art. I don't get to do my own very much anymore, but I love sketching, painting, stained glass, or just plain crafty stuff. It makes me happy and it relaxes me in a different way than #8.

10. And finally...this blog because it makes me write out my thoughts and feelings and provides me a place to release frustration and express joy. It reminds me how far we've come and how far we have to go!

P.S.- Sleep...I do love my sleep (just like my momma!) and that is where I'm headed... Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

A Trip to the Magic House

William and I traveled out to SOCO (that means South County) to the house that I grew up in from age 7 until I left for college. A little over a year ago my little brother and his wife bought it from my parents because they were building their dream home. I'm really glad it stayed in the family. It's nice to go over and still walk into the room where I slept for over 11 years of my life. I can walk in there and see my bookshelves filled with Legos and Transformers. I can see my Star Wars Wallpaper and my funky blue carpet. It has all changed now, but just walking in the room makes the memories come back.

Anyway. I digress. Me and William headed to my little brother's house to pick up Maya and take her to the zoo. My little brother and his wife have been going through a LOT lately and Lori had just had emergency surgery the day before (although I will tell you that even with surgery that girl was keeping her hair appointment the next day. She was going to make Aaron carry her in there if necessary). So we thought we'd give them a break and do something fun with Maya.

Well, Maya wasn't so sure she wanted to go with us =).

Although they hadn't been giving her all the details, kids are perceptive and know when things are amiss. She felt it, and didn't want to leave her mommy and daddy's side. She cried and threw a fit, but eventually she got in my car. William sat next to me with big eyes and asked "Why is she acting like that?" I said "I don't know, why do you act like that sometimes??"

As we pulled out of the driveway, Maya is crying and says "I...I....I don't want to go to the zoo." I say "Well sweetie where do you want to go?" "I want to go to the Magic House." Well I'm a sucker for Maya and so is William truth be told. And so the three of us headed to the Magic House.

Let me say, if you don't live in St. Louis and have never been to the Magic House, you are missing out. It's fun for adults too. I took my friend Melanie there and we couldn't stop laughing and being goofs. It really brings out the kid in you. There is a three story spiral slide that is so fun.

Needless to say we had a blast. As soon as we said we would go to the magic house, Maya was fine. The two of them painted pictures, went down the slide a million times (or at least 30), fished with magnetic poles, played pretend in the treehouse restaurant, and learned all about different science concepts without knowing they were learning.

William does really good with Maya. He is sweet and gentle and protective of her. And she loves him to. She calls him silly Willie.

Of course we followed up our Magic House trip with McDonald's. William and me are suckers for McDonald's too. Ask Lawrence, it drives him nuts. I can't help myself. A number 2 with a Coke. I love fountain Cokes. So we ate and I watched the two of them play in the McDonald's playroom. And I was a kid again. Going down the slide, having wars between the Lego men and the Decepticons, having the Autobots save the day, and laying in bed in the summers with my clock radio under my pillow and listening to the Cardinals games as I fell to sleep.


You never get those days back. But having a kid lets you relive those days a little bit. It's weird how certain smells or sights bring back the most vivid memories. Even pulling up in Aaron and Lori's driveway to drop off Maya brings back memories of pulling into that driveway thousands of times after late nights with friends and just laughing, as well as driving up with my eyes full of tears. I remember when I said goodbye to my best friend Paul Roggow when he moved back to Nebraska and I pulled into that driveway and sat there listening to the radio and Everybody Hurts by REM came on. I just sat and cried. I'm not good with change. I like things to stay the same. But the older I get, the more reality seeps in that everyday brings change. That you have to enjoy what you have and not get lost in the memories. But I still like to take walks down memory lane. There are lots of good people on that path that made me who I am today. And I think of them often and I look at William and I hope we are creating the same types of memories. The good ones. The ones that make you look back and smile and laugh and cry and want to be a kid again. I hope that happens. I hope he looks back and can smile someday.....

Grandma's 60th

Can you believe that Grandma Barker turned 60!

I can't. It's amazing how quickly time passes and how the years start to fly by. I can't believe I'm 33. It seems like yesterday I was hanging out on the porch of 1015 Dana, smoking cigarettes, and half-heartedly playing wiffleball in our matching walgreens t-shirts. Sorry that was a college flashback.

Mom had a good birthday. No surprises...she hates surprises. Just a party with the extended family and funny presents (she got a granny racetrack. It's these grannies in wheelchairs that race around the track. HILARIOUS!). William loved it. Of course.

It is so bizarre to have a nine year old. All of my friends have babies or are having babies. I have a kid that is already obsessed with being a teenager.
William- "When can I get a cell phone?"
Matt- "When you can pay for it?"
William- "Do I get a car when I'm 16?"
Matt- "If you can pay for it?"
William- "I have a girlfriend."
Matt- "You're too young for a girlfriend."
William- "When will my bedtime be 10pm?"
Matt- "When you are 20." =)
William- "You are so mean. I wish I was an adult. I can't wait to be 18."
Matt- "I wish I was a kid again."
William- "huh?"

The realization hit me the other day that we are almost to double digits. 10 years old. I started to become very unbearable around 12 (Ask my 60 year old mother. She still remembers). That means I have 2 years, 3 until he's a teenager. When did this happen? It gives me panic attacks.

We were watching TV the other night and he sat next to me and wanted to snuggle. I put my arm around him and thought..."How many more of these do I get?" I feel sort of cheated out of all the snuggles.

I'm trying to enjoy it while I can, but he is so mouthy and argumentative. It's overwhelming. I fear the teenage years and they are right around the corner. Yikes.

We just started him on a new night time medicine. It's for his anxiety. He acts out a lot in the evenings when his ADHD med wears off. I don't want him overmedicated, but we've looked into this and anxiety causes sleeplessness and agitation. He has both of those. I hope this medicine helps. It seems to be helping him sleep at least. A nine year old with sleeping problems. Jesus, I used to sleep like a baby at 9 years old. Now at 33, I can't sleep at all- but the child deserves to be able to sleep.

I'm rambling. I'm anxious. Maybe I need a pill.

It was a good birthday. A delicious cake. The edges were coated in mini-chocolate morsels. So good. And there was a grannie racetrack. What more can you ask for?

Marriage Equality Rally

One of the downsides to the election was that Proposition 8 passed in California, which erased the marriage rights for several thousand gay and lesbian couples in that state. It made the election results very bittersweet, especially because Arkansas also passed a proposition that essentially banned gay and lesbians from adopting (it banned single people from adopting and so also effects straight people).

In response to the passage of Prop 8, the gay and lesbian community came together to plan rallies for Marriage Equality to be held on November 15 at noon. One of these rallies was planned for St. Louis and so Lawrence, William, and I headed downtown to support our peeps and families like our own.

It was a very cold day, very cold, and yet a couple hundred people came out to speak out and give voice to our community. We met up with our friends...Gary, Jamie, Jelena, Ian, Charisse...and froze our butts off.
William was very unsure of this whole concept of standing around listening to people speak into a bullhorn about the rights of gays and lesbians. As a typical nine year old, he was initially intrigued and then the novelty quickly wore off and he was ready to go home. However, when we first got there he looked around at all the people that were of all different ages, gender, race, and income levels and said in the typical loud William voice- "Are all these people gay?" Yes, little man most of them are gay, but not all.

It was one of those activities that most kids don't experience. Looking around I didn't see any other kids in attendance. It's hard to know how exposure to this type of event will impact him in the long run, but hopefully it opens his mind and makes him a more accepting person. I think that sometimes kids that have been through what William has been through often close off their world because it is safer. They wall themselves off because change and differences can overwhelm them. My hope is that William, through therapy and our support and love, will be able to open himself up to different experiences and people. I want him to embrace a world that is different than him and not to shut it out.

Exposing him to events such as this is the first step...

But for now, let's get out of the cold. =)