Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, a 26 year old young man moved back to his home town of St. Louis after leaving for college at 18 years old. He had spent time in college meeting amazing friends and finding himself. He moved to Portland, Oregon after college and participated in the Jesuit Volunteer Corps where he lived with 7 amazing people and worked at a homeless youth center. He re-found God and also found a career that called to him. After a year, he moved back to Cincinnati and did AmeriCorps and then went to graduate school. Finally, at 26 he felt ready to come home...A different person, a person at peace with himself, a person who had found purpose, and yet a person who was in some ways as lost as ever.

He came to St. Louis for his family, for a new job, for a change. He found a career and a home and love.

Seven months after arriving in the strange city where he had lived the majority of his life, his new best friend took him to see the Gateway Men's Chorus (aka, the gay men's chorus). It was that night, that he found love. Love in the form of a 24 year old (it also happened to be his birthday, so a barely 24 year old) usher in the cutest damn sweater vest you had ever seen. He had dark wavy hair and puppy dog brown eyes. He was tall and lanky and geeky and gorgeous.

He was my soulmate. He was the one I had been waiting for...

And three months later he moved in with me...

It wasn't perfect. Relationships never are...They are hard and full of tears and laughter and frustration and jealousy and love. But they persevered... They fought and talked and laughed and found common ground and learned to communicate. It took years and years. They grew up...and then after five years a little man entered their life and changed everything.

And after 6 years, something happened. The Iowa Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples shouldn't be denied the right to marry. And the sweater vest boy called his partner at work and said..."There is a bus going to Iowa and I want us to get married. I'm bringing paperwork to you this afternoon and you have until then to make a decision and it better be the right one."

And I laughed and my heart broke a little because I wanted to marry this man more than anything, but I had dreamed of this since I was little and boarding a bus to Iowa with strangers was not how I imagined it. But this was an opportunity that we didn't know how long would last and I loved this man and I thought I'd make a political statement. And it was so much more than that....

So we boarded a bus at 5 am with 16 other couples. And after lots of conversation about whether there would be protestors and whether we wanted to risk our son seeing that ugly side of hate, we decided we wanted him there- to be our witness, for him to witness- love, marriage, commitment.

And there were no protestors. There was only acceptance and curiosity and tears and love. And it was so much more than a political statement. It was looking into the man of my dream's eyes and saying "I do." It was sliding a ring, a ring that he had been wearing for years, back onto his finger and having it all of a sudden mean so much more. It was having our son witness our love, it was celebration and laughter and cameras and singing and tears of joy.

It was being met at home at 11pm by friends and family who just wanted to be there to say congratulations.

And we said "I do" and we crossed back into Missouri and our marriage license was void. But our love wasn't and our lives were changed and it felt right and we slept in each other's arms on the bus with our son across the aisle snuggled under his SpongeBob blanket.

And God looked down and said..."It is good..." And it was.

The Easter Story and Crazy Bunnies

So I am a creature of ritual. I am very comfortable in routine, organization, and things staying the same year after year. I know down deep that change is good and when it has to happen I go through the stages of grief, but ultimately end up embracing it.

William is also a creature of ritual and routine also. When he first moved in he was obsessed with routine and doing the same thing. This was a matter of personality, but more so due to the chaos that had been his life. He was craving stability. Craving routine. The first night he took a shower at our house our cat, Celie, sat in the bathroom and watched him. After that he wanted her in their with him every night. For the first year, we played a board game before bed each night. If we didn't have time it really upset him. Some of this need for routine has diminished, but I think William will ultimately be a lot like me in his need for ritual. Still to this day, when he spends the night at Grandma and Grandpa's house he gets up in the morning and takes his breakfast (a banana and/or a bag of cheerios) and he goes for a walk around the lake in their backyard. And if my niece Maya is there, then he has to push her around the lake in a stroller while eating breakfast. (Keep in mind that Maya is now 5 years old). Of course she loves this and my mom reports that they both enjoy this routine.

So yes, this child is a perfect fit with me and my need for ritual. And speaking of ritual...holidays in my family are a huge source of ritual for me. When things change around the holiday events it really is difficult for me. For Easter we have been going to my Aunt Jackie's for years and years. We hang out, have a big family prayer, eat lots of food, and then the Easter Bunny hides eggs and candy in the yard for the kids to find. Our very own Easter Egg hunt.


The characters change. The kids grow up and new kids take their place. It really does seem like yesterday that I was out hunting eggs in Jackie and Walt's backyard. Of course then there was a generation after me consisting of my cousin's kids... Danny, Kevin, Nathan, Haley, Nick, and Jaclyn. Followed by the current generation of my nieces and nephews, as well as William. I love watching them hunt eggs with the same enthusiasm that we used to have. And I love seeing the kids in their Easter outfits.

Of course as we grow up we don't disappear. We just become adults (I still fight against this though...there will always be a little bit of Peter Pan inside of me). I caught the following two pictures and they just make me smile. It's my cousin's kids along with Aaron and Lori. The look like they are posing for a photo shoot or something. And yes we were playing kickball. See none of us really grow up!

And Easter wouldn't be complete without me and my little brother taking pictures of each other at the same time.

As well as the prayer of thanks before eating...

At some point this holiday will evolve again, and I'll struggle to accept it. But as long as my family is there and certain traditions continue over the generations, the place doesn't matter as much as the people. Cause love is love and it is exists forever.

Happy Easter!

Lawrence's 30th Birthday

My husband turned 30 yesterday AND we celebrated our 6 year anniversary. Welcome to your 30's my love, it's not so bad. In fact it is actually good to be out of your 20's. This means you will settle down and give up your young boy ways? right? =)

So, I thought I'd take this chance to tell everyone the story of how Lawrence and i met. I moved back to St. Louis in September of 2002 both for a new job and to come home to where most of my immediate and extended family live. I lived in my parents basement for six months while I saved up money to buy a house. (Oh how I miss my mom cooking me dinner every night- Those were the good old days!)

In early February 2003 I moved into our current home. I had met my friend Gary in October of 2002 and he saved me from being the lonely little puppy that I was by dragging me out of the house and going out.

So on April 5th, 2003 Gary and I went to see the Gateway Men's Chorus Spring Concert (that is the gay men's chorus in St. Louis). I remember two things from that concert. One- they sang Amazing Grace and I cried (it's a long story for another time) and Two- there was a really cute boy in a sweater vest. Yes, that's right...a sweater vest. Not many boys wear sweater vests any more, but this boy did and he was adorable. He was tall and had wavy soft brown hair and puppy dog brown eyes (are you puking yet?). I leaned over and asked Gary if he knew who he was and as if by a miracle, Gary said yes! Gary was an interviewer for a program called CORO and Lawrence (yes the boy in the sweater vest was my husband) was a CORO Fellow. Gary promised to email him the next day to see if he was single and interested in a blind date. I was dying that I had to wait.

After the concert we went to Nick's wine bar. And who walks in with a bunch of his friends?? The cute boy in the sweater vest and a bunch of his friends. I spent the evening watching Lawrence (aka LT) drink Sangria and dance with his friends. I tried to pay attention to Gary, but I couldn't stop staring. We never talked that night, but we caught eyes many a time and i knew I was smitten.

The next day Gary emailed him and he emailed back. He had thought Gary and me were together, but since we weren't he was definitely interested. (I still have the email that Gary forwarded to me where Lawrence said he was interested. Yes I'm a sap!) We went on a date (to a coffee shop) later that week. Three and a half months later he had moved in. And the rest is History.

Who knew that 6 years later we would be celebrating his 30 and preparing for our son's 10th birthday!

The party was fun! The family was there for dinner and then a bunch of our friends came over for drinking and a bonfire. The grandparents took William home with them later in the evening. Good times were had by all!

To my husband- After 6 years I still melt when you walk in the room. You are my love and my soul. Happy 30th Birthday Old Man!

One Year of FatherHood

Today marks the one year anniversary since the one and only William moved in with us.

I can't believe it has been an entire year. Somehow it feels like he has been a part of our family forever. Other times it feels like just yesterday it was just me and Lawrence and a blink of time before that I was single and "waiting for my life to begin." (Who knew I should have been enjoying those days more than I did...Ah Hindsight!)

It's difficult to put into words what fatherhood has meant to me. It's tough. Much harder than I ever imagined. Those first few months with William...well I wasn't sure I would survive. I remember thinking every single night, "I can't do this." "It is just too much." I remember every cell of my body aching with stress. Nothing made things better...and as my friends Gary and Jamie can tell you, I just want to fix everything.

I wanted to fix William. I wanted to erase all those horrible experiences. I wanted him to just be a typical little boy. It took me longer than it probably should of to realize that what I wanted didn't matter at all. That pain hurts and anger can be righteous. That there was no fixing William. There was loving him, giving him structure and rules, and never giving up. And there was sitting with, worrying about, obsessing over, crying through, and embracing the pain. I wanted more than anything to shelter him from the pain, but that doesn't work.

It is one of the most heart-wrenching things to watch a child be in emotional pain. I honestly don't know how we made it through those first 6 months, me or Lawrence. I just kept telling myself..."make it through one more second, one more minute, one more hour, one more day..." It will get better. Our work will pay off. Love will get through. We humans are amazing creatures. We move through the pain and we keep living. Those months are a blur of heightened emotions. Living on edge, never knowing what was coming next. My whole life felt out of control. It was terrifying and exciting all at the same time.

And now I look at my son, one year later, and my heart aches in a totally different way. I love my husband with all my heart, but loving a child is completely different. I can't even imagine life without this wonderful creature. He drives me nuts, breaks my heart, steps on my emotions, and I come back for more. I love him beyond anything I have ever imagined. It is a love that is so deep it comes from a place I'm not even sure I would have ever found within me if William hadn't entered my life.

He is a different child. He is still moody and mouthy, but he is so full of love. He has mellowed and continues to mellow. He is excelling in school in ways I never imagined. He is funny and sweet and caring and generous. He amazes me.

And fatherhood has changed me. I've mellowed. I've relaxed. (I mean I am still a complete ball of stress and worry, but there is some mellowing occurring. Maybe it is this aging process and maybe it's William or maybe it's both). I try to do at least one fun goofy thing with William each day. Play a game, take time to tickle him, have a staring contest, copy everything he says, etc. That stuff is easy for me...I just channel my inner child (who never really left). I don't want him to grow up...fatherhood is like having a second chance at childhood from a different perspective and with a body that doesn't quite keep up as good. Fatherhood is tucking him into bed each night and giving him a kiss. Fatherhood is standing in one place and watching as your child grows up and matures so fast. You sort of have to shake yourself so you don't stand there and miss it all happen. Fatherhood is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

And things seem to be slowing down or maybe I'm moving faster. Or maybe having him used to such a routine frees you to enjoy the ride more. I feel myself relaxing. Trusting that he is gaining control over his emotions, that he can hold it together in public, that he is growing, that he is beginning the work of understanding his emotions instead of just feeling them and letting them control him.

He has a long way to go...but don't we all. I don't worry about making it through the next day. I look forward to each day I get with him.

I love him and I feel lucky everyday to have him in life.

Little Number 8...

After school William takes the bus to Herbert Hoover Boys and Girls Club. On most days he really likes Herbert Hoover and on most days so do I. The staff are wonderful and they love William. Of course for many of them, they are under the influence of the "cute factor." I mean, come on, our son is adorable and he uses his powers of cuteness to get what he wants and to get away with more than he should. However, there are a couple of staff that have his number. They gave William break after break until it comes to a breaking point. You see, if you give William an inch, he will keep pushing it until he has taken a couple miles. I'm not saying that I don't give him breaks, cause I do, but I learned early on that you can't give in too much cause he'll keep pushing. Some of the Herbert Hoover staff have learned that and they are my favorite because while they are all great people, it is the ones who call William on his "stuff" and hold him responsibility for his actions that are great role models. They drive William nuts, but he actually ends up respecting them much much more in the end.

So yeah...Herbert Hoover. Besides going there for after school, he also played basketball for them this year. He looks so little out there, but he isn't the littlest on his team. They are a ragtag group and they didn't win a single game, but they all improved including William. He gained confidence and improved his dribbling skills. He also learned about teamwork and passing the ball. The uniforms they had were all too big on him, but it made him look even cuter. My adorable little number 8...

In the beginning of the season William's team played in two different leagues. However, after a few games in one of the leagues it became very apparent that the other teams: 1) were really aggressive, 2) were better, and 3) didn't back off even when they were winning by more than 20 or 30 points. So, our team dropped out of that league.

The other league we were in was better, but still had a bunch of good teams that had been playing together for a couple years. William played guard and while he got more comfortable taking shots during the year, he didn't score a single basket.

And then in the very last game of the season. Bam! A shot from a step in front of the foul shot line. Swisssssh...nothing but net! And the crowd goes wild. Literally. You see I had been sitting with all the mothers throughout the season and they were hilarious. And they of course thought William was adorable. After chatting for many weeks, they were aware of the situation of William having not scored a basket. So that last game when he scored, they all cheered REALLY loud. It was awesome. William even said after the game, "everyone yelled really loud when I scored." I told him everyone was excited for him. It was one of those "Thank God" parent moments. I mean in the big scheme of things, scoring a basket isn't a huge deal, but to a nine year old it is everything. I actually had been sitting there saying little prayers every time his team came down the court. And it was sooo worth it... My little number 8 was so proud of himself that night.

Adoption Day #2- Two Official Dads

Today I became the official dad to the one and only Mr. William.

It is hard to describe the feelings I had...relief, joy, shock, nervousness, sadness, excitement, and on and on.

This time we had an awesome judge. She was a new appointee to the Juvenile Court or it was a new rotation for her. She was serious but very very nice. We were joined by my parents, my older brother (Jeff), and Lawrence's dad and step-mom. I felt all of their love and support as I sat up at the table (compared to last time when I had to sit in the audience), but I couldn't look back at them because I knew I'd be overwhelmed by emotions.

The whole thing lasted maybe 15 minutes. It goes so fast it is sort of a blur. In some ways it is very anticlimactic. You put so much energy into jumping through all the hoops and worrying about whether it is truly going to happen and then it is over so fast. Done. Finalized.

For me there was the added worry of being part of a gay couple in Missouri. We are not a very progressive state (although I know LOTS of very wonderful progressive people who live here). You have so much to freak out about during the adoption process and the whole gay thing just adds this whole other level of worry that no one should have to endure. It is this whole sense of constantly feeling like you have to prove you are good enough, that you are better than good enough, that you are exceptional. And maybe some of it is my own stuff, but I worried about making mistakes. That if I make the tiniest of screw-ups that someone can say "See- gay people shouldn't be parents." It's a horrible feeling.

But as I sat in court with my husband and son and listened to the judge, I held my head high. I tried to look her in the eye. I tried to memorize every word being said and to just hold that memory forever. The day I officially became a dad.

More than anything, I just felt the weight of the responsibility. Being responsible for another creature's life...a human life...and one that has been through so much it amazes me every day that he gets out of bed in the morning and reaches out for a hug or a tickle. We are such a resilient race of creatures. We are so wounded and yet we crave love and companionship so much. And in some ways, the simple act of loving someone can heal wounds. I know it isn't that simple, but I'm just amazed at how far the little man has come with just some structure and rules and support and encouragement and love.

So I'm a dad. A father. A parent.

I only got teary eyed once during the proceeding and it is when I was answering questions. They are scripted and I know that everyone who goes through an adoption answers them, but I was looking at our lawyer which meant I was looking at Lawrence and William who were next to me. And I just felt overwhelmed and relieved. I love this child. Love him with all my soul. And I don't think I truly realized how scared I was that he would be taken away. I saw my husband and I just fell in love with him all over again. We are a family. Imperfect. Flawed. Wounded. But full of love.

And I have the most adorable child in the world as my son...

Trip to the Top of the Arch

So I won't go to the top of the Arch anymore. I hate it. I don't hate the arch, I mean it is really cool to look at and I love standing at the bottom and looking up the side as the silver metal curves into the air. But I do hate going to the top of the Arch. I have for a while and I finally took a stand and said that I would no longer go up to the top with visitors to our fair city. The elevators freak me out- they are tiny and they shake like crazy on the way up. And once you get to the top, the arch sways. And not just sways a little, but A LOT. Once I was up there as a storm was moving in and I swear I had to put my hand up to the ceiling to balance myself so I wouldn't fall over.

So like I said...no more going up in the Arch for me.

However, the little man had never been up in the Arch. Therefore, my wonderful husband surprised him one day with a trip to the top. The two of them had their own little adventure. They wandered the museum at the base of the Arch and then got free tickets from two women who decided they were too scared to go to the top. And so up they went...


William was a little nervous, but Lawrence said that once he got up there he thought it was pretty cool.

I love when the two of them do stuff together without me. That sounds kind of weird, but it is just fun to watch them bond. I am definitely the more nurturing of the two of us and William comes to me for affection and cuddles and scrapes. So it is nice when the two of them bond and it doesn't involve bonding that comes from ganging up on me.

When William first moved in with us, I won't lie it was rough...and there was a while there where I wasn't sure Lawrence was going to hang in there. He really did try our patience to the breaking point day after day after day. The funny thing is that the two of them have a lot in common which is good and bad. They both have tempers, they both are stubborn as hell, and they both don't back down. On the positive side, they both have these silly/teasing sides, they both easily make friends, and they both have intense curiosity. I just like to watch the two of them interact. Lawrence is very parental with William. By that I mean that he demands respect and he gets it. William doesn't mess with Lawrence the way he messes with me. I guess I'm not tough enough. William pushes me in a way that Lawrence doesn't allow. But I think it is good for him to learn that there is a time for seriousness and a time for silliness. And I think William is finally starting to get that.

So my boys had an adventure. And they came home in a great mood. And they had these fun pictures to show for it!

Inauguration of Our New President

I saw President Barack Obama's inauguration ceremony. I was there for this historic occasion. I saw our first African-American President sworn in as President. And I was speechless, awe-inspired, and overwhelmed.

So let me start at the beginning...

Lawrence sings in the St. Louis Gateway Men's Chorus (the gay chorus) and plays in Band Together (St. Louis's LGBT concert band). Ahhh...my little band geek...how i love you...

Seriously though I think the singing and musical instruments is sexy probably because I can't do either. Trust me...ask my mother (she once told me to just hum along in church- I'm that bad.).

Anyway, Band Together is part of a national association of GLBT bands from all over the country. It is called LGBA (Lesbian and Gay Band Association). They have annual conferences and march in parades as an Association at times throughout the year. Anyway, long story short- LGBA was invited to march in Obama's Inaugural Parade. Of course we didn't know until plane flights were sold out. Luckily my friend Paul lives in D.C. so we had a place to stay. We ended up driving to D.C. from St. Louis with three other band members from St. Louis. We left at like 10pm on Friday night. I don't remember much from the drive there. It was uncomfortable, there was cramping, neck pains, and a really gross port-a-potty at a West Virginia bathroom.

So we got to DC Saturday afternoon, met up with other LGBA members for dinner and then went out to the bars. I was sooo tired but it was fun.

The band had to practice most of the day Sunday and Monday to prepare for Tuesday's parade, so I was mostly on my own (Paul was not interested in fighting the crowds).

On Sunday, there was a concert on The Mall. Lots of speakers, muscians, and of course President-elect Obama. The above video is from the concert. Also the pics below are from Sunday's concert. It was insane, but so so so fun. And also REALLY cold. The mall was packed from the Lincoln Memorial to the Washington Monument. I was near the Washington monument.

Sunday night we went out to dinner with Paul and drinking at some of D.C.'s finest gay bars. On Monday I just bummed around D.C. and goofed off. Tuesday started bright and early when Lawrence had to wake up at some un-godly hour like 4am or something insane. I went back to bed.

I just have to tell you that I hate crowds...hate them. So this was quite the adventure for me. I can't describe what it was like trying to get to the national mall that morning. I got on the subway and for the first couple stops it wasn't bad. And then more and more people got on the subway. It got so bad I thought I was going to have a panic attack. And then it got worse. When I exited the subway onto the platform it was pure insanity. There were so many people you couldn't even walk. They had to open the turnstyles and just let people through. It was like herding cows. You couldn't walk, just shuffle your feet. I wish I had my camera (it got misplaced for a few hours and I have no pictures from Tuesday morning or of the actual swearing in ceremony).

I finally got to the mall and was once again at the Washington Monument, but facing the Capital Bldg. instead of the Lincoln Memorial. There were SO MANY PEOPLE! But it wasn't what I expected. The concert on Sunday was loud and mildly rowdy and people were just partying. But on Tuesday the mood was just more serious. The atmosphere was just weird. It was as if people were holding their breath, wondering if this was really happening. The Bush years were over and the Obama years are here... It was as if everyone just got how serious the moment was. It is burned in my mind. Of course it was also really COLD!

The parade didn't start on time, so I went back to Paul's house and warmed up. I finally headed down to the parade around 3:30 or so. I found myself a spot on some really cold bleachers and I waited for my man to march by. I waited and waited...and soon I was convinced that I had missed them... I was sooo bummed.

And then... I see them in the distance coming toward me...

I'll admit it. I cried. The tears froze to my face, but I did cry. I was so proud of my husband. That he was part of something so historic. The first gay band to march in the inaugural parade! I was there...I saw history happen.

Although the outfits they wore were kind of stupid...Shiny silver jackets and black berrets. Bizarre outfit choice, but besides that it was awesome! I actually ran along side them for probably 6 or 7 blocks taking pictures and getting choked up. Luckily Lawrence was on the end of his row and was on my side of the street so I got a couple of close ups of him...

The drive home was much better, mostly because Lawrence and me took turns driving and the two of us drove much faster than the others! =)

YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!! YES WE CAN!!!

Justin's 6th Birthday!

Justin turned the big 6. Justin is the middle child of my older brother and sister and is therefore near and dear to my heart. You have to love the middle children of the world. We are so wounded and such good martyrs! =)

Justin is a sweetheart. He also is very very smart and very funny. Often he's sort of lost inside of his own head. He's constantly talking to himself and moving his hands with weird signals. I think he is driving a car or just traveling along a map. Justin loves maps, streets, stoplights, directions, etc. He loves to look at Google Maps and has certain directions memorized. He can tell you street by street how to get from his house to Grandma and Grandpa's house. It's really amazing.

And now he is 6. He loves school. He also loves a little girl in his class. I think her name is Natalie. They are inseparable and whenever he says her name, he turns red and giggles. It's adorable.

As with every Barker birthday we had a party to celebrate. And delicious cake.

Happy birthday my favorite middle child...Just remember your Uncle understands and will always be there for ya!

This picture cracks me up because William has sucked Grandma into reading a soda bottle. He isn't allowed to have soda except on special occasions. And then it has to be caffeine free and preferably sugar free! I'm not sure what they are looking at, but it's just funny. Plus William's outfit is bizarre. One glove, a sweatshirt wrapped around his shoulders, and his ID badge around his neck. Who knows? I let him wear what he wants for the most part.

This birthday party was a little different because my little brother just started his radiation. He is going every day Monday through Friday. He's on anti-nazeau meds, but he still feels sick. He is still working (if it was me I'd be at home in bed). He's lost a little weight already and the weirdest part is that his belly is warm in the spot where they give him the radiation. It's very unnatural and bizarre. At the same time it is really amazing to me that modern medicine can do what it does. Who would think that we could direct radiation and control it so that it can help us instead of killing us.

But the warm spot on his belly weirds me out. Of course lots of things about my little brother are weird, including these pictures from the party. Don't even ask me what he was doing?