Two Men and a Little Man

Once upon a time...

2009-05-02T13:04:00.002-05:00

Once upon a time, a 26 year old young man moved back to his home town of St. Louis after leaving for college at 18 years old. He had spent time in college meeting amazing friends and finding himself. He moved to Portland, Oregon after college and participated in the Jesuit Volunteer Corps where he lived with 7 amazing people and worked at a homeless youth center. He re-found God and also found a career that called to him. After a year, he moved back to Cincinnati and did AmeriCorps and then went to graduate school. Finally, at 26 he felt ready to come home...A different person, a person at peace with himself, a person who had found purpose, and yet a person who was in some ways as lost as ever.

He came to St. Louis for his family, for a new job, for a change. He found a career and a home and love.

Seven months after arriving in the strange city where he had lived the majority of his life, his new best friend took him to see the Gateway Men's Chorus (aka, the gay men's chorus). It was that night, that he found love. Love in the form of a 24 year old (it also happened to be his birthday, so a barely 24 year old) usher in the cutest damn sweater vest you had ever seen. He had dark wavy hair and puppy dog brown eyes. He was tall and lanky and geeky and gorgeous.

He was my soulmate. He was the one I had been waiting for...

And three months later he moved in with me...

It wasn't perfect. Relationships never are...They are hard and full of tears and laughter and frustration and jealousy and love. But they persevered... They fought and talked and laughed and found common ground and learned to communicate. It took years and years. They grew up...and then after five years a little man entered their life and changed everything.

And after 6 years, something happened. The Iowa Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples shouldn't be denied the right to marry. And the sweater vest boy called his partner at work and said..."There is a bus going to Iowa and I want us to get married. I'm bringing paperwork to you this afternoon and you have until then to make a decision and it better be the right one."

And I laughed and my heart broke a little because I wanted to marry this man more than anything, but I had dreamed of this since I was little and boarding a bus to Iowa with strangers was not how I imagined it. But this was an opportunity that we didn't know how long would last and I loved this man and I thought I'd make a political statement. And it was so much more than that....

So we boarded a bus at 5 am with 16 other couples. And after lots of conversation about whether there would be protestors and whether we wanted to risk our son seeing that ugly side of hate, we decided we wanted him there- to be our witness, for him to witness- love, marriage, commitment.

And there were no protestors. There was only acceptance and curiosity and tears and love. And it was so much more than a political statement. It was looking into the man of my dream's eyes and saying "I do." It was sliding a ring, a ring that he had been wearing for years, back onto his finger and having it all of a sudden mean so much more. It was having our son witness our love, it was celebration and laughter and cameras and singing and tears of joy.

It was being met at home at 11pm by friends and family who just wanted to be there to say congratulations.

And we said "I do" and we crossed back into Missouri and our marriage license was void. But our love wasn't and our lives were changed and it felt right and we slept in each other's arms on the bus with our son across the aisle snuggled under his SpongeBob blanket.

And God looked down and said..."It is good..." And it was.

The Easter Story and Crazy Bunnies

2009-04-12T16:19:00.001-05:00

So I am a creature of ritual. I am very comfortable in routine, organization, and things staying the same year after year. I know down deep that change is good and when it has to happen I go through the stages of grief, but ultimately end up embracing it.

William is also a creature of ritual and routine also. When he first moved in he was obsessed with routine and doing the same thing. This was a matter of personality, but more so due to the chaos that had been his life. He was craving stability. Craving routine. The first night he took a shower at our house our cat, Celie, sat in the bathroom and watched him. After that he wanted her in their with him every night. For the first year, we played a board game before bed each night. If we didn't have time it really upset him. Some of this need for routine has diminished, but I think William will ultimately be a lot like me in his need for ritual. Still to this day, when he spends the night at Grandma and Grandpa's house he gets up in the morning and takes his breakfast (a banana and/or a bag of cheerios) and he goes for a walk around the lake in their backyard. And if my niece Maya is there, then he has to push her around the lake in a stroller while eating breakfast. (Keep in mind that Maya is now 5 years old). Of course she loves this and my mom reports that they both enjoy this routine.

So yes, this child is a perfect fit with me and my need for ritual. And speaking of ritual...holidays in my family are a huge source of ritual for me. When things change around the holiday events it really is difficult for me. For Easter we have been going to my Aunt Jackie's for years and years. We hang out, have a big family prayer, eat lots of food, and then the Easter Bunny hides eggs and candy in the yard for the kids to find. Our very own Easter Egg hunt.

The characters change. The kids grow up and new kids take their place. It really does seem like yesterday that I was out hunting eggs in Jackie and Walt's backyard. Of course then there was a generation after me consisting of my cousin's kids... Danny, Kevin, Nathan, Haley, Nick, and Jaclyn. Followed by the current generation of my nieces and nephews, as well as William. I love watching them hunt eggs with the same enthusiasm that we used to have. And I love seeing the kids in their Easter outfits.

Of course as we grow up we don't disappear. We just become adults (I still fight against this though...there will always be a little bit of Peter Pan inside of me). I caught the following two pictures and they just make me smile. It's my cousin's kids along with Aaron and Lori. The look like they are posing for a photo shoot or something. And yes we were playing kickball. See none of us really grow up!

And Easter wouldn't be complete without me and my little brother taking pictures of each other at the same time.

As well as the prayer of thanks before eating...

At some point this holiday will evolve again, and I'll struggle to accept it. But as long as my family is there and certain traditions continue over the generations, the place doesn't matter as much as the people. Cause love is love and it is exists forever.

Happy Easter!

Lawrence's 30th Birthday

2009-04-06T16:15:00.002-05:00

My husband turned 30 yesterday AND we celebrated our 6 year anniversary. Welcome to your 30's my love, it's not so bad. In fact it is actually good to be out of your 20's. This means you will settle down and give up your young boy ways? right? =)

So, I thought I'd take this chance to tell everyone the story of how Lawrence and i met. I moved back to St. Louis in September of 2002 both for a new job and to come home to where most of my immediate and extended family live. I lived in my parents basement for six months while I saved up money to buy a house. (Oh how I miss my mom cooking me dinner every night- Those were the good old days!)

In early February 2003 I moved into our current home. I had met my friend Gary in October of 2002 and he saved me from being the lonely little puppy that I was by dragging me out of the house and going out.

So on April 5th, 2003 Gary and I went to see the Gateway Men's Chorus Spring Concert (that is the gay men's chorus in St. Louis). I remember two things from that concert. One- they sang Amazing Grace and I cried (it's a long story for another time) and Two- there was a really cute boy in a sweater vest. Yes, that's right...a sweater vest. Not many boys wear sweater vests any more, but this boy did and he was adorable. He was tall and had wavy soft brown hair and puppy dog brown eyes (are you puking yet?). I leaned over and asked Gary if he knew who he was and as if by a miracle, Gary said yes! Gary was an interviewer for a program called CORO and Lawrence (yes the boy in the sweater vest was my husband) was a CORO Fellow. Gary promised to email him the next day to see if he was single and interested in a blind date. I was dying that I had to wait.

After the concert we went to Nick's wine bar. And who walks in with a bunch of his friends?? The cute boy in the sweater vest and a bunch of his friends. I spent the evening watching Lawrence (aka LT) drink Sangria and dance with his friends. I tried to pay attention to Gary, but I couldn't stop staring. We never talked that night, but we caught eyes many a time and i knew I was smitten.

The next day Gary emailed him and he emailed back. He had thought Gary and me were together, but since we weren't he was definitely interested. (I still have the email that Gary forwarded to me where Lawrence said he was interested. Yes I'm a sap!) We went on a date (to a coffee shop) later that week. Three and a half months later he had moved in. And the rest is History.

Who knew that 6 years later we would be celebrating his 30 and preparing for our son's 10th birthday!

The party was fun! The family was there for dinner and then a bunch of our friends came over for drinking and a bonfire. The grandparents took William home with them later in the evening. Good times were had by all!

To my husband- After 6 years I still melt when you walk in the room. You are my love and my soul. Happy 30th Birthday Old Man!

One Year of FatherHood

2009-03-15T16:18:00.003-05:00

Today marks the one year anniversary since the one and only William moved in with us.

I can't believe it has been an entire year. Somehow it feels like he has been a part of our family forever. Other times it feels like just yesterday it was just me and Lawrence and a blink of time before that I was single and "waiting for my life to begin." (Who knew I should have been enjoying those days more than I did...Ah Hindsight!)

It's difficult to put into words what fatherhood has meant to me. It's tough. Much harder than I ever imagined. Those first few months with William...well I wasn't sure I would survive. I remember thinking every single night, "I can't do this." "It is just too much." I remember every cell of my body aching with stress. Nothing made things better...and as my friends Gary and Jamie can tell you, I just want to fix everything.

I wanted to fix William. I wanted to erase all those horrible experiences. I wanted him to just be a typical little boy. It took me longer than it probably should of to realize that what I wanted didn't matter at all. That pain hurts and anger can be righteous. That there was no fixing William. There was loving him, giving him structure and rules, and never giving up. And there was sitting with, worrying about, obsessing over, crying through, and embracing the pain. I wanted more than anything to shelter him from the pain, but that doesn't work.

It is one of the most heart-wrenching things to watch a child be in emotional pain. I honestly don't know how we made it through those first 6 months, me or Lawrence. I just kept telling myself..."make it through one more second, one more minute, one more hour, one more day..." It will get better. Our work will pay off. Love will get through. We humans are amazing creatures. We move through the pain and we keep living. Those months are a blur of heightened emotions. Living on edge, never knowing what was coming next. My whole life felt out of control. It was terrifying and exciting all at the same time.

And now I look at my son, one year later, and my heart aches in a totally different way. I love my husband with all my heart, but loving a child is completely different. I can't even imagine life without this wonderful creature. He drives me nuts, breaks my heart, steps on my emotions, and I come back for more. I love him beyond anything I have ever imagined. It is a love that is so deep it comes from a place I'm not even sure I would have ever found within me if William hadn't entered my life.

He is a different child. He is still moody and mouthy, but he is so full of love. He has mellowed and continues to mellow. He is excelling in school in ways I never imagined. He is funny and sweet and caring and generous. He amazes me.

And fatherhood has changed me. I've mellowed. I've relaxed. (I mean I am still a complete ball of stress and worry, but there is some mellowing occurring. Maybe it is this aging process and maybe it's William or maybe it's both). I try to do at least one fun goofy thing with William each day. Play a game, take time to tickle him, have a staring contest, copy everything he says, etc. That stuff is easy for me...I just channel my inner child (who never really left). I don't want him to grow up...fatherhood is like having a second chance at childhood from a different perspective and with a body that doesn't quite keep up as good. Fatherhood is tucking him into bed each night and giving him a kiss. Fatherhood is standing in one place and watching as your child grows up and matures so fast. You sort of have to shake yourself so you don't stand there and miss it all happen. Fatherhood is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

And things seem to be slowing down or maybe I'm moving faster. Or maybe having him used to such a routine frees you to enjoy the ride more. I feel myself relaxing. Trusting that he is gaining control over his emotions, that he can hold it together in public, that he is growing, that he is beginning the work of understanding his emotions instead of just feeling them and letting them control him.

He has a long way to go...but don't we all. I don't worry about making it through the next day. I look forward to each day I get with him.

I love him and I feel lucky everyday to have him in life.

Little Number 8...

2009-03-05T22:12:00.001-06:00

After school William takes the bus to Herbert Hoover Boys and Girls Club. On most days he really likes Herbert Hoover and on most days so do I. The staff are wonderful and they love William. Of course for many of them, they are under the influence of the "cute factor." I mean, come on, our son is adorable and he uses his powers of cuteness to get what he wants and to get away with more than he should. However, there are a couple of staff that have his number. They gave William break after break until it comes to a breaking point. You see, if you give William an inch, he will keep pushing it until he has taken a couple miles. I'm not saying that I don't give him breaks, cause I do, but I learned early on that you can't give in too much cause he'll keep pushing. Some of the Herbert Hoover staff have learned that and they are my favorite because while they are all great people, it is the ones who call William on his "stuff" and hold him responsibility for his actions that are great role models. They drive William nuts, but he actually ends up respecting them much much more in the end.

So yeah...Herbert Hoover. Besides going there for after school, he also played basketball for them this year. He looks so little out there, but he isn't the littlest on his team. They are a ragtag group and they didn't win a single game, but they all improved including William. He gained confidence and improved his dribbling skills. He also learned about teamwork and passing the ball. The uniforms they had were all too big on him, but it made him look even cuter. My adorable little number 8...

In the beginning of the season William's team played in two different leagues. However, after a few games in one of the leagues it became very apparent that the other teams: 1) were really aggressive, 2) were better, and 3) didn't back off even when they were winning by more than 20 or 30 points. So, our team dropped out of that league.

The other league we were in was better, but still had a bunch of good teams that had been playing together for a couple years. William played guard and while he got more comfortable taking shots during the year, he didn't score a single basket.

And then in the very last game of the season. Bam! A shot from a step in front of the foul shot line. Swisssssh...nothing but net! And the crowd goes wild. Literally. You see I had been sitting with all the mothers throughout the season and they were hilarious. And they of course thought William was adorable. After chatting for many weeks, they were aware of the situation of William having not scored a basket. So that last game when he scored, they all cheered REALLY loud. It was awesome. William even said after the game, "everyone yelled really loud when I scored." I told him everyone was excited for him. It was one of those "Thank God" parent moments. I mean in the big scheme of things, scoring a basket isn't a huge deal, but to a nine year old it is everything. I actually had been sitting there saying little prayers every time his team came down the court. And it was sooo worth it... My little number 8 was so proud of himself that night.

Adoption Day #2- Two Official Dads

2009-02-27T20:10:00.005-06:00

Today I became the official dad to the one and only Mr. William.

It is hard to describe the feelings I had...relief, joy, shock, nervousness, sadness, excitement, and on and on.

This time we had an awesome judge. She was a new appointee to the Juvenile Court or it was a new rotation for her. She was serious but very very nice. We were joined by my parents, my older brother (Jeff), and Lawrence's dad and step-mom. I felt all of their love and support as I sat up at the table (compared to last time when I had to sit in the audience), but I couldn't look back at them because I knew I'd be overwhelmed by emotions.

The whole thing lasted maybe 15 minutes. It goes so fast it is sort of a blur. In some ways it is very anticlimactic. You put so much energy into jumping through all the hoops and worrying about whether it is truly going to happen and then it is over so fast. Done. Finalized.

For me there was the added worry of being part of a gay couple in Missouri. We are not a very progressive state (although I know LOTS of very wonderful progressive people who live here). You have so much to freak out about during the adoption process and the whole gay thing just adds this whole other level of worry that no one should have to endure. It is this whole sense of constantly feeling like you have to prove you are good enough, that you are better than good enough, that you are exceptional. And maybe some of it is my own stuff, but I worried about making mistakes. That if I make the tiniest of screw-ups that someone can say "See- gay people shouldn't be parents." It's a horrible feeling.

But as I sat in court with my husband and son and listened to the judge, I held my head high. I tried to look her in the eye. I tried to memorize every word being said and to just hold that memory forever. The day I officially became a dad.

More than anything, I just felt the weight of the responsibility. Being responsible for another creature's life...a human life...and one that has been through so much it amazes me every day that he gets out of bed in the morning and reaches out for a hug or a tickle. We are such a resilient race of creatures. We are so wounded and yet we crave love and companionship so much. And in some ways, the simple act of loving someone can heal wounds. I know it isn't that simple, but I'm just amazed at how far the little man has come with just some structure and rules and support and encouragement and love.

So I'm a dad. A father. A parent.

I only got teary eyed once during the proceeding and it is when I was answering questions. They are scripted and I know that everyone who goes through an adoption answers them, but I was looking at our lawyer which meant I was looking at Lawrence and William who were next to me. And I just felt overwhelmed and relieved. I love this child. Love him with all my soul. And I don't think I truly realized how scared I was that he would be taken away. I saw my husband and I just fell in love with him all over again. We are a family. Imperfect. Flawed. Wounded. But full of love.

And I have the most adorable child in the world as my son...

Trip to the Top of the Arch

2009-02-16T19:06:00.001-06:00

So I won't go to the top of the Arch anymore. I hate it. I don't hate the arch, I mean it is really cool to look at and I love standing at the bottom and looking up the side as the silver metal curves into the air. But I do hate going to the top of the Arch. I have for a while and I finally took a stand and said that I would no longer go up to the top with visitors to our fair city. The elevators freak me out- they are tiny and they shake like crazy on the way up. And once you get to the top, the arch sways. And not just sways a little, but A LOT. Once I was up there as a storm was moving in and I swear I had to put my hand up to the ceiling to balance myself so I wouldn't fall over.

So like I said...no more going up in the Arch for me.

However, the little man had never been up in the Arch. Therefore, my wonderful husband surprised him one day with a trip to the top. The two of them had their own little adventure. They wandered the museum at the base of the Arch and then got free tickets from two women who decided they were too scared to go to the top. And so up they went...

William was a little nervous, but Lawrence said that once he got up there he thought it was pretty cool.

I love when the two of them do stuff together without me. That sounds kind of weird, but it is just fun to watch them bond. I am definitely the more nurturing of the two of us and William comes to me for affection and cuddles and scrapes. So it is nice when the two of them bond and it doesn't involve bonding that comes from ganging up on me.

When William first moved in with us, I won't lie it was rough...and there was a while there where I wasn't sure Lawrence was going to hang in there. He really did try our patience to the breaking point day after day after day. The funny thing is that the two of them have a lot in common which is good and bad. They both have tempers, they both are stubborn as hell, and they both don't back down. On the positive side, they both have these silly/teasing sides, they both easily make friends, and they both have intense curiosity. I just like to watch the two of them interact. Lawrence is very parental with William. By that I mean that he demands respect and he gets it. William doesn't mess with Lawrence the way he messes with me. I guess I'm not tough enough. William pushes me in a way that Lawrence doesn't allow. But I think it is good for him to learn that there is a time for seriousness and a time for silliness. And I think William is finally starting to get that.

So my boys had an adventure. And they came home in a great mood. And they had these fun pictures to show for it!

Inauguration of Our New President

2009-01-22T21:00:00.001-06:00

I saw President Barack Obama's inauguration ceremony. I was there for this historic occasion. I saw our first African-American President sworn in as President. And I was speechless, awe-inspired, and overwhelmed.

So let me start at the beginning...

Lawrence sings in the St. Louis Gateway Men's Chorus (the gay chorus) and plays in Band Together (St. Louis's LGBT concert band). Ahhh...my little band geek...how i love you...

Seriously though I think the singing and musical instruments is sexy probably because I can't do either. Trust me...ask my mother (she once told me to just hum along in church- I'm that bad.).

Anyway, Band Together is part of a national association of GLBT bands from all over the country. It is called LGBA (Lesbian and Gay Band Association). They have annual conferences and march in parades as an Association at times throughout the year. Anyway, long story short- LGBA was invited to march in Obama's Inaugural Parade. Of course we didn't know until plane flights were sold out. Luckily my friend Paul lives in D.C. so we had a place to stay. We ended up driving to D.C. from St. Louis with three other band members from St. Louis. We left at like 10pm on Friday night. I don't remember much from the drive there. It was uncomfortable, there was cramping, neck pains, and a really gross port-a-potty at a West Virginia bathroom.

So we got to DC Saturday afternoon, met up with other LGBA members for dinner and then went out to the bars. I was sooo tired but it was fun.

The band had to practice most of the day Sunday and Monday to prepare for Tuesday's parade, so I was mostly on my own (Paul was not interested in fighting the crowds).

On Sunday, there was a concert on The Mall. Lots of speakers, muscians, and of course President-elect Obama. The above video is from the concert. Also the pics below are from Sunday's concert. It was insane, but so so so fun. And also REALLY cold. The mall was packed from the Lincoln Memorial to the Washington Monument. I was near the Washington monument.

Sunday night we went out to dinner with Paul and drinking at some of D.C.'s finest gay bars. On Monday I just bummed around D.C. and goofed off. Tuesday started bright and early when Lawrence had to wake up at some un-godly hour like 4am or something insane. I went back to bed.

I just have to tell you that I hate crowds...hate them. So this was quite the adventure for me. I can't describe what it was like trying to get to the national mall that morning. I got on the subway and for the first couple stops it wasn't bad. And then more and more people got on the subway. It got so bad I thought I was going to have a panic attack. And then it got worse. When I exited the subway onto the platform it was pure insanity. There were so many people you couldn't even walk. They had to open the turnstyles and just let people through. It was like herding cows. You couldn't walk, just shuffle your feet. I wish I had my camera (it got misplaced for a few hours and I have no pictures from Tuesday morning or of the actual swearing in ceremony).

I finally got to the mall and was once again at the Washington Monument, but facing the Capital Bldg. instead of the Lincoln Memorial. There were SO MANY PEOPLE! But it wasn't what I expected. The concert on Sunday was loud and mildly rowdy and people were just partying. But on Tuesday the mood was just more serious. The atmosphere was just weird. It was as if people were holding their breath, wondering if this was really happening. The Bush years were over and the Obama years are here... It was as if everyone just got how serious the moment was. It is burned in my mind. Of course it was also really COLD!

The parade didn't start on time, so I went back to Paul's house and warmed up. I finally headed down to the parade around 3:30 or so. I found myself a spot on some really cold bleachers and I waited for my man to march by. I waited and waited...and soon I was convinced that I had missed them... I was sooo bummed.

And then... I see them in the distance coming toward me...

I'll admit it. I cried. The tears froze to my face, but I did cry. I was so proud of my husband. That he was part of something so historic. The first gay band to march in the inaugural parade! I was there...I saw history happen.

Although the outfits they wore were kind of stupid...Shiny silver jackets and black berrets. Bizarre outfit choice, but besides that it was awesome! I actually ran along side them for probably 6 or 7 blocks taking pictures and getting choked up. Luckily Lawrence was on the end of his row and was on my side of the street so I got a couple of close ups of him...

The drive home was much better, mostly because Lawrence and me took turns driving and the two of us drove much faster than the others! =)

YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!! YES WE CAN!!!

Justin's 6th Birthday!

2009-01-11T15:14:00.002-06:00

Justin turned the big 6. Justin is the middle child of my older brother and sister and is therefore near and dear to my heart. You have to love the middle children of the world. We are so wounded and such good martyrs! =)

Justin is a sweetheart. He also is very very smart and very funny. Often he's sort of lost inside of his own head. He's constantly talking to himself and moving his hands with weird signals. I think he is driving a car or just traveling along a map. Justin loves maps, streets, stoplights, directions, etc. He loves to look at Google Maps and has certain directions memorized. He can tell you street by street how to get from his house to Grandma and Grandpa's house. It's really amazing.

And now he is 6. He loves school. He also loves a little girl in his class. I think her name is Natalie. They are inseparable and whenever he says her name, he turns red and giggles. It's adorable.

As with every Barker birthday we had a party to celebrate. And delicious cake.

Happy birthday my favorite middle child...Just remember your Uncle understands and will always be there for ya!

This picture cracks me up because William has sucked Grandma into reading a soda bottle. He isn't allowed to have soda except on special occasions. And then it has to be caffeine free and preferably sugar free! I'm not sure what they are looking at, but it's just funny. Plus William's outfit is bizarre. One glove, a sweatshirt wrapped around his shoulders, and his ID badge around his neck. Who knows? I let him wear what he wants for the most part.

This birthday party was a little different because my little brother just started his radiation. He is going every day Monday through Friday. He's on anti-nazeau meds, but he still feels sick. He is still working (if it was me I'd be at home in bed). He's lost a little weight already and the weirdest part is that his belly is warm in the spot where they give him the radiation. It's very unnatural and bizarre. At the same time it is really amazing to me that modern medicine can do what it does. Who would think that we could direct radiation and control it so that it can help us instead of killing us.

But the warm spot on his belly weirds me out. Of course lots of things about my little brother are weird, including these pictures from the party. Don't even ask me what he was doing?

Our First Family Christmas

2008-12-28T15:08:00.004-06:00

I have such vivid memories of waking up on Christmas morning and running downstairs to see the piles of presents that Santa had left for us. That is my favorite memory, just seeing all of those wrapped presents, the anticipation, the wonder. I absolutely loved it. As I got older Christmas morning kept that same wonder. Just having those few quiet moments to take it all in. I guess that translates to life in general and how I love having those moments where I can just step back and take it all in. All the wonder...

After college I lived with a bunch of my girl friends from college. We lived in this three story crappy ass house that I personally loved. We had a LOT of fun in that house on Fairview. Mostly some crazy theme parties, but those are another story. However, one of my favorite memories is how my roommate Megan loved to lay under the decorated Christmas tree with all of its lights and look up through the tree. I think I loved it because it reminded me of being a kid and doing the same thing. I loved looking up into the tree and seeing all the lights reflecting off of the glass decorations. I love that Megan still did that at 24 years old (who am I kidding, she probably still does it at 33). Megan used to sleep under the tree too. She was always trying to get us to do it too. I would lay there with her, but i never slept under there with her. I think she may have talked some of the other girls to do it though...

Having William wake up at our house on Christmas morning was priceless. We had a minor fear that William would wake up really early and open all his presents before we got downstairs, so Lawrence told William he had to stay in his room until we woke up (I told him I'd set our alarm for 7 am). When we woke up, I walked down the hallway and he was standing in his doorway. He hadn't left his room and it was just killing him. =)

I told him he could go downstairs and he moved so fast I was sure that he would break his neck on the steps. We followed him down and made him wait to open presents until we had made some coffee (Come on...the parents have to have some fun too).

When we finally let him at it, he was so cute tearing into the paper, screaming like a coyote, giggling, just being really excited. He made out like a bandit getting presents from both us and Santa. He got a computer from us and we all got a Wii from Santa. William especially was amused by the presents he got from some of Santa's reindeer. I think he got one from Rudolf and Dancer. He was very amused by the hoof prints on the presents.

After opening our presents, we started preparing a big brunch. An hour or so later Aunt Anya, Grandma and Grandpa Miskel, and Great-grandpa Miskel came over to open more presents and to eat breakfast together. It was a wonderful morning. And most likely the last one where a certain little man still believes in Santa. Hopefully, however, the magic and wonder of Christmas will stay with him for the rest of his life. I just want to give him as many wonderful and happy memories as i can. And yes Megan...next year I'm gonna make him sleep under the tree with me!

Christmas Eve- Let the spoiling rotten begin!

2008-12-26T08:55:00.004-06:00

Since I was a little kid, my parents have had Christmas Eve at their house. Everyone comes over...Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Great Aunts and Uncles, Family Friends, Second Cousins, and Grandparents. Over time, Christmas Eve ebbs and flows. As people get married and have new spouses' families to see during the holidays, not everyone makes it. Some of my cousins started coming to Christmas Eve every other year. And of course, as time passes we lose some of the matriarchs and patriarchs that helped make Christmas Eve special. Grandpa Oscar, Grandma Martha, Great Uncle Ken, Great Aunt Helen, Uncle Walt, and family friends. For a few years, fewer people made it and then it picked back up. It will always be my favorite day of the year. It just holds so many memories. Things that make me laugh and others that make me smile through some tears. My Uncle Walt and how much he loved the frozen whiskey sours my dad made. My Uncle Joe proposing to my Aunt Marcia on Christmas Eve. My family Christmas Caroling in the neighborhood after a few drinks. Through all the change, there are certain things you can count on.

1) The party ends up in the kitchen. (Although now my parents have a big bar in their basement with a sink, fridge, kegorater, so I'm counting this as the kitchen.)
2) My mother will forget to put out some food item that she prepared. Sometimes things are left in the fridge and sometimes she'll put things in the oven and forget to turn it on, but every year something doesn't get put out.
3) There are certain family stories that you can count on hearing at some point in the night.
4) Someone will probably get teary eyed.
5) And finally, Santa Clause will make an appearance at some point in the evening!

When I was young I remember the Christmas Eve party lasting until 3am. One year I remember my mother, aunts Verneil and Jackie, my cousin Dave, and probably a few others sitting against the Dining Room wall (late into the night) and barking "Jingle Bells." I think there was some commercial that year that had barking dogs in it. Who knows?

So, this year our little man got to experience Christmas with the Barker/Green Family. It was so fun. He can be such a pain, but when it comes to presents he can be so genuine and so polite and so thankful. His reaction is just so real... He gets so excited, you can just see the sparkle in his eyes. The last many years we have had a pre-Christmas Eve gathering with the immediate family. My parents, siblings, and neices and nephews all get together and exchange gifts. The whole evening becomes such a blur. It always goes too fast.

These pictures are in reverse order. The ones below are the pre-party and the ones above are when Santa (aka. Grandpa Ken) came to visit later in the evening.
This may be our last year where William believes in Santa. I tried very very hard to cherish every moment this year. Him and Alex tried to chase Santa and see him take off with his reindeer. Who knew Santa could move so fast?? He's very magical.

William got spoiled rotten by my family. His big present was from Grandma and Grandpa. It was a five in one game table. He had wanted it soooo bad (mostly for the pool table). William LOVES pool. He plays at Herbert Hoover and the two of us have been going to a downtown restaurant bar on the weekends around 2pm when no one is there and play pool. He is quite the shark. I have to try pretty hard to beat him. So he screamed like a squeeky little mouse when he got his game table. I think he might have peed himself!

And so the Christmas Eve magic continues. Christmas Eve will always be a night of anticipation, joy, family, laughter, tears, and lots of hugs. I wonder sometimes about Christmas Eves at some point in the distant future. I picture William and my neices and nephews and their spouses and kids all getting together. Telling stories and laughing. I guess that is the true gift of families. They carry on traditions, they carry on stories, they remember the stories that get told over and over. They support each other, love each other. I can't even describe how it feels to have William as part of our family. Another little person that will be part of the next generation. That will carry on the stories about his crazy dads and all of their quirkiness.

And this year, my mom told me that some of my Aunts and cousins stayed until very late, in fact it was close to early morning. I love how things are circular. And life continues... And families live on through their traditions and I happen to love this one.

Adoption Day #1- One Dad Down, One to Go...

2008-12-17T23:13:00.003-06:00

Today Lawrence officially adopted William. It was an early Christmas present for all of us.

There were some tears, but also some laughter.

We did hire a lawyer. It was necessary. I've been really nervous about this whole thing. I've just been so scared that someone is going to step in and say "No, these men should not be allowed to be parents!" It's a weird feeling. Almost as if you are being watched or followed. You're checking over your shoulder all the time. It's just an unsettled feeling, to worry about whether someone is going to step in and try to take away your family. Maybe I'm just paranoid...

So we have a lawyer. He's a nice guy. Very no nonsense and to the point. We got to the court building this morning and he pulled Lawrence aside to talk to him. I wondered about this, but tried to ignore the fact that as the spouse I was being left out of a discussion.

So here's the deal. Missouri allows same-sex couples to adopt, but it's very under the radar. Which means that the state (i.e., Foster Care System) won't endorse but won't prevent it. So if we were a straight couple, the state would have paid for both of us to adopt William. The reality is that they pay for Lawrence and I'm on my own. The other hitch is that you have to get a judge that is willing to do same-sex adoption. William's case got passed around in the two years he's been in the system, but the current judge is in his 70's and is NOT friendly to same-sex couples. If he had been, then we could have scheduled our adoptions on the same day, right after each other. Since he's not, I will file for adoption separately with a different judge.

Anyway, so we have this not friendly to our "lifestyle" judge who apparently has some rules that our lawyer was sharing with Lawrence. Rule one: William and Lawrence will sit up at the table in front of the judge, I will sit in the audience section with Lawrence's dad, step-mom and step-sister (Anya- William's Aunt). Rule Two: Lawrence will refer to me as "His friend that he lives with." Rule Three: He's got some thing about women wearing appropriate dress in the courtroom. Which I guess meant that I couldn't come in drag (I'm kidding people. I don't do drag, it's not pretty! but the judge did have some rule about women's dress in his courtroom).

I sat in the audience and I watched my two boys and I got choked up and I cried. And I almost died when the *#@*^ judge (I mean nice, little, old judge) asked Lawrence if he had thought about what would happen to William if something unexpected happened to him and Lawrence replied..."Well, I guess my friend that I live with will care for him." It seemed like there was a collective eye roll in the court room. Everyone saw us for what we were, but the judge wanted to pretend. Pretend that families like ours don't exist. Sorry sir, but we do and it's OK. Actually I think a lot of people think this way. They just want everyone who is different, whether its the gays and lesbians, or the people of color, or the undocumented workers, or the poor...they just want them to exist in the shadows, to not be seen or heard, to not speak out.

But we won't do that anymore. As Prior says in Angels in America... "The world only spins forward. We will be citizens. The time has come."

OK, I'll get off my soapbox because as I sat down in that courtroom none of it mattered. I only had eyes for the men in my life. Lawrence looked nervous and William was silent (which pretty much takes divine intervention...) It all went really fast. There are a bunch of scripted questions and answers between the judge, lawyer, and Lawrence. I was just relieved and very happy. Lawrence was officially William's dad and no one could take him away. It was like a great weight just lifted off of me.

At the end the judge also officially changed William's name. He's got a hyphenated last name and he's not so sure about it. I think it will grow on him! But when the judge was reading the proclamation (or whatever you call it) he said William York Miskel-Berger. William's eyes got huge and his head whipped around and he looked at me and I could see it in his face. PANIC! (The judge corrected himself but by then William was turned around at me and not paying attention). So when the whole thing is over a second later, William races over to me and says: "That man changed my name to BURGER!" really loud. Everybody starts laughing and I calm him down. Since then my dad likes to call William- Big n' Tasty. It's William's favorite McDonald's sandwich. So he's William "Big n' Tasty" Burger. Too funny.

It was all done by 9:30am. We took William to school and after telling us in the car not to tell anyone where he had been, he walked into school and told the first 8 adults we ran into "I got adopted today!"

so here's the little man...our little man...or at least Lawrence's official little man and soon to be my little man:

He's ours!

Little Brother's Birthday

2008-12-14T22:13:00.005-06:00

Another birthday, Another Party...

Today was my little brother's 27th birthday! I can't believe he's 27. It makes me feel old.

He's had a hard go of things lately and he deserved a good birthday with a big chocolate cake. I hinted at things in an earlier post (and he'll hate it that I'm going to talk about this) but my little brother was diagnosed with cancer. I can't even begin to explain how it feels to hear your little brother say that to you. I clearly remember the day he went to the doctor and was sent immediately for an ultrasound. I was in a meeting and my cell rings and I see that it is him so I answer it. I say hello and I can hear it in his voice. He was just leaving the clinic and getting in his car. His voice cracked as he said it to me..."I have cancer." I can't even imagine what that was like for him to hear. It was horrible enough for me to hear as his brother. It was like time just stops and nothing else matters. I needed to see him and be there. This shouldn't be happening to my little brother. He's just a baby.

My little brother is a LOT like my dad. Everything is infused with jokes and laughing. It's the way they cope. But during this whole ordeal there were moments where I caught the look in his eye or the way his face would drop and you could see the fear and heartache. It's a horrible feeling to be powerless. I felt so powerless to say the right thing, do the right thing, make things better. There was no making it better. All we had was wading through it together.

At Thanksgiving, my little brother's wife Lori made a toast. She had been watching a TV show on elephants. When the baby elephants are in trouble or threatened, the adult elephants circle around them and protect them. The Barker family is like a herd of elephants. When someone's in trouble we circle around them, protect them.

I

I love the show "Brothers and Sisters" because it is an over-dramatized version of my family. We aren't that bad, but sometimes we're a little much. At times the Barker's can be suffocating, especially if you aren't used to it. I'm not sure how the in-laws (Abby, Lori, Lawrence) put up with us. But it is absolutely true that if you mess with one of us, you mess with all of us. When someone is sick or wounded, we are there guarding them, watching them.

My little brother's surgery went well. They removed the tumor and got all of it. There have been lots of jokes about bronzing it and putting it in a bell. There has been lots of laughter and some tears, both as a family and as individuals. Aaron will start radiation in January. He'll have it every day (M-F) for a month. It's gonna be a tough month, but he'll be OK. He has to be OK. He's my little brother and he's 27 years old and I adore him. His wife has secretly told me that he looks up to me, but the truth is I look up to him too. He's always been the personable one, the funny one, the athletic one. But he also has a heart of gold and is like a giant teddy bear. Just seeing the way he is with his daughter will make anybody's heart melt. He is such a good dad.

And so we will circle around him. Like the giant herd of elephants that we are. And we'll get through it, he'll get through it.

But for now we'll celebrate his 27 years on Earth. And we'll laugh and we'll hang out and we'll eat cake and the kids will help open his birthday presents and we will probably have a drink or two and we will just be our normal crazy family.

Happy Birthday little brother!

And by the way take off that stupid Brett Favre jersey. The man is such a poser.

Jelena's Birthday- Food with Love

2008-12-09T16:08:00.004-06:00

For Jelena's birthday she asked that "the gang" get together for some down-home cooking straight from the farm boy himself...Mr. Jamie. You NEVER leave Jamie's house hungry. And it's not just lots of food...it's GOOD food. And it's made with love. At some point I had William convinced that love was an actual ingredient in food and that Jamie's food tasted so good because he put extra love in it. =)

For now, this is an adorable trait, i.e., being gullible. However, at some point, let's say 33 years old, it isn't cute- it just makes you feel stupid. Yes, I am talking about myself. I am incredibly gullible. My brothers, father, and husband love to get me to believe the dumbest things. Often they aren't even that creative, I'm just trusting. Luckily, I have other gullible individuals around me. My sister Lori, my mother, and now my son. I love that he's gullible. Sometimes we have to be really careful about being sarcastic because he takes you seriously. In fact, one of his favorite things to say is "Are you serious?."

One night we were doing homework and he was reading a story about Oak Trees. He had to answer questions about the story. One of the questions was about squirrels and acorns. He wrote a really silly answer and I told him that it wasn't correct and that he needed to erase it (The correct answer was that squirrels save acorns to eat during the winter). He got upset and asked me what the answer was. I think I said "Come on William, what do squirrels do with acorns? Throw them at each other?"

A few minutes later he said he was done with homework and ran upstairs. I looked over his homework and there it was- "Squirrels save acorns to throw at each other."

Like I said. The kid will believe anything. Wait, maybe he knows that I'll believe anything and so he's just playing innocent to get away with stuff. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure whether he is truly gullible or just playing me. Who is teasing who? Does he have my number or is he as gullible as I am. The more I think about it the more unsure I am.

Back to Jelena's party. William did awesome. I think he is getting used to dinner parties/birthday parties because we have them ALL the time. Although at least at my family birthday parties there are other kids to play with. But even when it is all adults he does pretty well. At adult parties you can get one of two Williams. 1) Center of Attention William. Hey everybody look at me. I'm funny. I 'm cute. Love me! 2) Adults are Stupid and Boring William. I'm going to put my headphones in and listen to my ipod and ignore all of you. Either William has its pros and cons.

At Jelena's party he was a mix of both. At first he was being funny. Jamie made spaghetti and William was putting cooked spaghetti noodles on his face giving himself a fu-man-chu. Gary has pictures that are pretty hilarious. Later William went into William number 2 mode and was just chill.

Sometimes I feel a little guilty about dragging him places, but I'm learning that parents have to take some time to themselves even when you don't have a babysitter. For the most part it feels like my life revolves around the little man. But every once in a while I need to be around friends and have adult conversation. And we're lucky that he does so well. He almost never whines or says "When are we going home?" We're lucky that way. All the kid needs is his ipod, an audience, and some food made with LOVE. From Left to Right: Jamie (in his Michael J. Fox "I fell off a boat" coat), Me, William, Jelena, Ian, Charisse, John, and Gary (Lawrence is taking the picture).
Can you see how big those bowls of food are? William in his favorite hoodie shirt. He's getting ready to enter his "Adults are stupid and boring" persona. He's got his ipod in his hand.

Dancing Queen...Excuse Me...King

2008-12-05T15:37:00.002-06:00

The long awaited premiere release is finally here!
I have no words for this moment, so I will let the video speak for itself. Needless to say, I was laughing through my tears.

I love this kid!

What I'm Thankful For...

2008-11-27T23:38:00.002-06:00

We had Thanksgiving at Jeff and Abby's house this evening. Lots of food, lots of fun, lots of kids! My belly is really full and I'm ready for bed, but I wanted to write down a few of my thoughts. First, I have to give a shout out to my husband for his squash dish. I don't know exactly what was in it, but it was squash, cheese, onions, butter?? Not sure what else, but it was delicious! My nephew Alex had three helpings (which surprised me that a kid would like squash). So, there were great eats at dinner...Turkey, stuffing, crannberries, vegetable dish, squash dish, potatoes (both regular and sweet), and LOTS of pie. While Christmas is my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving is my favorite food holiday.

And since it is Thanksgiving, I thought I would make a list of things I am Thankful for...

1. My husband. Even when I want to strangle him, I love him. He is the Ying to my Yang. We are very different creatures, but we balance each other out.

2. My son. It's been a little over 8 months since he moved in and its been a long road but I can't imagine life without him. He frustrates me, he drives me crazy, he is a pain in my butt. He also makes me laugh and he's fun to hang out with and he's smart and sarcastic and he's freakin' adorable.

3. My family, My immediate family- Ken and Paulette; Kristi, Steve, and Bryce; Jeff, Abby, Alex, Justin, and Audrey; Aaron, Lori, and Maya. And my extended family- Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, second cousins, third cousins, etc. They make me laugh, they keep me going, they are my rock. I love hanging out with them and I know if I need them that they will be there.

4. My friends. I have been blessed in such amazing ways by all the people that are a part of my life. Whether I talk to them a couple times a week, once a month, or once a year- I am one of the luckiest people in the world when it comes to the amazing people that are part of my life. Although we are spread out from San Jose, CA to Providence, RI to Raliegh, NC and everywhere in between. I love them all and I miss them all. And as husbands and wives and partners and babies are added to the mix, it just makes the web of connections and love even larger.

5. My gardens. Winters are a hard season because I can't be outside working in our flower gardens. There is something about digging in the dirt that is good for the soul.

6. Books. Where else could I ride on the back of a dragon, hold the hand of a dying friend, and hear about romancing a vampire. They are my escape, my release, and I believe the world would be an incredibly sad place without them. 7. Work. There are days when I want to walk out and never come back, but there are other days when I feel incredibly passionate about working on policies that impact the lives of low-income Missourians.

8. Drinks. Honestly, I've become less and less of a drinker...maybe one or two per week but sometimes I just really really need a big drink!

9. Art. I don't get to do my own very much anymore, but I love sketching, painting, stained glass, or just plain crafty stuff. It makes me happy and it relaxes me in a different way than #8.

10. And finally...this blog because it makes me write out my thoughts and feelings and provides me a place to release frustration and express joy. It reminds me how far we've come and how far we have to go!

P.S.- Sleep...I do love my sleep (just like my momma!) and that is where I'm headed... Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

A Trip to the Magic House

2008-11-22T15:31:00.004-06:00

William and I traveled out to SOCO (that means South County) to the house that I grew up in from age 7 until I left for college. A little over a year ago my little brother and his wife bought it from my parents because they were building their dream home. I'm really glad it stayed in the family. It's nice to go over and still walk into the room where I slept for over 11 years of my life. I can walk in there and see my bookshelves filled with Legos and Transformers. I can see my Star Wars Wallpaper and my funky blue carpet. It has all changed now, but just walking in the room makes the memories come back.

Anyway. I digress. Me and William headed to my little brother's house to pick up Maya and take her to the zoo. My little brother and his wife have been going through a LOT lately and Lori had just had emergency surgery the day before (although I will tell you that even with surgery that girl was keeping her hair appointment the next day. She was going to make Aaron carry her in there if necessary). So we thought we'd give them a break and do something fun with Maya.

Well, Maya wasn't so sure she wanted to go with us =).

Although they hadn't been giving her all the details, kids are perceptive and know when things are amiss. She felt it, and didn't want to leave her mommy and daddy's side. She cried and threw a fit, but eventually she got in my car. William sat next to me with big eyes and asked "Why is she acting like that?" I said "I don't know, why do you act like that sometimes??"

As we pulled out of the driveway, Maya is crying and says "I...I....I don't want to go to the zoo." I say "Well sweetie where do you want to go?" "I want to go to the Magic House." Well I'm a sucker for Maya and so is William truth be told. And so the three of us headed to the Magic House.

Let me say, if you don't live in St. Louis and have never been to the Magic House, you are missing out. It's fun for adults too. I took my friend Melanie there and we couldn't stop laughing and being goofs. It really brings out the kid in you. There is a three story spiral slide that is so fun.

Needless to say we had a blast. As soon as we said we would go to the magic house, Maya was fine. The two of them painted pictures, went down the slide a million times (or at least 30), fished with magnetic poles, played pretend in the treehouse restaurant, and learned all about different science concepts without knowing they were learning.

William does really good with Maya. He is sweet and gentle and protective of her. And she loves him to. She calls him silly Willie.

Of course we followed up our Magic House trip with McDonald's. William and me are suckers for McDonald's too. Ask Lawrence, it drives him nuts. I can't help myself. A number 2 with a Coke. I love fountain Cokes. So we ate and I watched the two of them play in the McDonald's playroom. And I was a kid again. Going down the slide, having wars between the Lego men and the Decepticons, having the Autobots save the day, and laying in bed in the summers with my clock radio under my pillow and listening to the Cardinals games as I fell to sleep.

You never get those days back. But having a kid lets you relive those days a little bit. It's weird how certain smells or sights bring back the most vivid memories. Even pulling up in Aaron and Lori's driveway to drop off Maya brings back memories of pulling into that driveway thousands of times after late nights with friends and just laughing, as well as driving up with my eyes full of tears. I remember when I said goodbye to my best friend Paul Roggow when he moved back to Nebraska and I pulled into that driveway and sat there listening to the radio and Everybody Hurts by REM came on. I just sat and cried. I'm not good with change. I like things to stay the same. But the older I get, the more reality seeps in that everyday brings change. That you have to enjoy what you have and not get lost in the memories. But I still like to take walks down memory lane. There are lots of good people on that path that made me who I am today. And I think of them often and I look at William and I hope we are creating the same types of memories. The good ones. The ones that make you look back and smile and laugh and cry and want to be a kid again. I hope that happens. I hope he looks back and can smile someday.....

Grandma's 60th

2008-11-18T21:14:00.003-06:00

Can you believe that Grandma Barker turned 60!

I can't. It's amazing how quickly time passes and how the years start to fly by. I can't believe I'm 33. It seems like yesterday I was hanging out on the porch of 1015 Dana, smoking cigarettes, and half-heartedly playing wiffleball in our matching walgreens t-shirts. Sorry that was a college flashback.

Mom had a good birthday. No surprises...she hates surprises. Just a party with the extended family and funny presents (she got a granny racetrack. It's these grannies in wheelchairs that race around the track. HILARIOUS!). William loved it. Of course.

It is so bizarre to have a nine year old. All of my friends have babies or are having babies. I have a kid that is already obsessed with being a teenager.
William- "When can I get a cell phone?"
Matt- "When you can pay for it?"
William- "Do I get a car when I'm 16?"
Matt- "If you can pay for it?"
William- "I have a girlfriend."
Matt- "You're too young for a girlfriend."
William- "When will my bedtime be 10pm?"
Matt- "When you are 20." =)
William- "You are so mean. I wish I was an adult. I can't wait to be 18."
Matt- "I wish I was a kid again."
William- "huh?"

The realization hit me the other day that we are almost to double digits. 10 years old. I started to become very unbearable around 12 (Ask my 60 year old mother. She still remembers). That means I have 2 years, 3 until he's a teenager. When did this happen? It gives me panic attacks.

We were watching TV the other night and he sat next to me and wanted to snuggle. I put my arm around him and thought..."How many more of these do I get?" I feel sort of cheated out of all the snuggles.

I'm trying to enjoy it while I can, but he is so mouthy and argumentative. It's overwhelming. I fear the teenage years and they are right around the corner. Yikes.

We just started him on a new night time medicine. It's for his anxiety. He acts out a lot in the evenings when his ADHD med wears off. I don't want him overmedicated, but we've looked into this and anxiety causes sleeplessness and agitation. He has both of those. I hope this medicine helps. It seems to be helping him sleep at least. A nine year old with sleeping problems. Jesus, I used to sleep like a baby at 9 years old. Now at 33, I can't sleep at all- but the child deserves to be able to sleep.

I'm rambling. I'm anxious. Maybe I need a pill.

It was a good birthday. A delicious cake. The edges were coated in mini-chocolate morsels. So good. And there was a grannie racetrack. What more can you ask for?

Marriage Equality Rally

2008-11-15T20:05:00.003-06:00

One of the downsides to the election was that Proposition 8 passed in California, which erased the marriage rights for several thousand gay and lesbian couples in that state. It made the election results very bittersweet, especially because Arkansas also passed a proposition that essentially banned gay and lesbians from adopting (it banned single people from adopting and so also effects straight people).

In response to the passage of Prop 8, the gay and lesbian community came together to plan rallies for Marriage Equality to be held on November 15 at noon. One of these rallies was planned for St. Louis and so Lawrence, William, and I headed downtown to support our peeps and families like our own.

It was a very cold day, very cold, and yet a couple hundred people came out to speak out and give voice to our community. We met up with our friends...Gary, Jamie, Jelena, Ian, Charisse...and froze our butts off.
William was very unsure of this whole concept of standing around listening to people speak into a bullhorn about the rights of gays and lesbians. As a typical nine year old, he was initially intrigued and then the novelty quickly wore off and he was ready to go home. However, when we first got there he looked around at all the people that were of all different ages, gender, race, and income levels and said in the typical loud William voice- "Are all these people gay?" Yes, little man most of them are gay, but not all.

It was one of those activities that most kids don't experience. Looking around I didn't see any other kids in attendance. It's hard to know how exposure to this type of event will impact him in the long run, but hopefully it opens his mind and makes him a more accepting person. I think that sometimes kids that have been through what William has been through often close off their world because it is safer. They wall themselves off because change and differences can overwhelm them. My hope is that William, through therapy and our support and love, will be able to open himself up to different experiences and people. I want him to embrace a world that is different than him and not to shut it out.

Exposing him to events such as this is the first step...

But for now, let's get out of the cold. =)

"NeverDads" - Loss, Grief, and Separation

2008-11-10T14:49:00.001-06:00

The many moods of the little man.... They can be so frustrating and so annoying, but sometimes you just have to step back and laugh. As the holidays approach, I'm beginning to worry. In our adoption classes they said that the holidays stir up lots of feelings of loss, separation, and grief. These kids are just torn from their families and thrown into the foster care system. Their whole world is thrown into disarray. Even though they come from abusive or neglectful families, they are their families and it is what they know and have learned to deal with. The foster system is a huge unknown. I can't imagine being seven years old and being taken from my family and placed with some random family. How do kids deal with that?

For William it was worse. He was removed from his home and taken to a residential center as an emergency temporary placement. His first night there he was given the wrong medicine. They had to take him to the ER. I can't imagine being seven years old and going to the hospital without your parents, surrounded by strangers. It is no wonder the little man has anxiety attacks when we go to the doctor.

Luckily when William was released from the hospital he was placed with a foster mom named Scarlet. I thank God for that women every day. She had William in her house for a little over a year while the state drug its feet on placing him with us. He didn't get passed around, he wasn't in a crappy foster home, he was with a women who loved him and cared for him and also gave him structure and discipline. And now he is with us and the holidays bring feelings of excitement and joy and family togetherness, but also feelings of sadness and loss and anxiety. This results in the many moods of William.

Lately he has started referring to us as his "NeverDads" as in "You're never gonna be my dad." He says it as a joke, to get our goat...but then when we just laughed and didn't react to it, it became a sort of term of endearment. It seems to be sort of a transition word. He isn't ready to call us Dad or Pop or whatever, but he's searching for something to call us other than Ryan and Lawrence. And so we are his NeverDads. And we laugh...and we mourn for our losses...and we celebrate the good. We are human and we are a family and holidays will never be the same. They will always be mixed with lots of different feelings. And that is OK. That is life... Our family is different, we always will be. And that too is something William will celebrate and be frustrated by and be angry about and hopefully someday he'll embrace. Right now though, we'll focus on making it through the holidays...

OBAMA!!!!!

2008-11-05T13:42:00.002-06:00

OK...so first off. Doesn't our little munchkin look like President-elect Obama?? =)

All right, I'll admit it. I have been obsessed. I had Obama fever. Say what you want...say that I swallowed the kool-aid or blue pill or whatever. I am a believer. I truly don't understand how you can't be. I listen to his speeches and I get choked up. I read his speech on race last spring and I openly wept at work. Apparently there is an optimist inside of me that never died (I truly thought that after 8 years of W. that I was a full blown, always think the worst, pessimist).

When they called Pennsylvania and then Ohio I felt my throat constrict. I thought...this is really happening. This country is moving forward in a huge way.

I wasn't prepared when they called it. It all happened so quick. (Or quick compared to the last two presidential elections where I stayed up all night.) I was sitting on the couch and flipping channels and it happened. They declared Obama the next President of the United States. I didn't even feel it coming. I just started crying...sobbing actually. It was like this weight just lifted off my heart. It was one of those moments when the stress and tension just leave your body, you let down your guard...and boom...the emotion all hits you. It was a bizarre couple minutes...I truly felt like I had lost my mind. I was crying, smiling, and laughing all at the same time.

I'm sure you all think I'm nuts by now. And maybe I am crazy to put so much belief in one person. But this election means the world to me, my husband, and our son.

My son, who has been through crap that most people laying on their death beds haven't been through, can now look at our President and see reflected not just someone who looks like him but somebody that represents all that he can achieve. No, William will probably never be President. But he knows that the sky's the limit.

And if you think this stuff doesn't really make a difference let me tell you a little story. The other night William and my mom were driving in the car and out of nowhere William says: "You know that Barack Obama is half black and half white." My mom says: "Yes he is. His mom was white and his dad was black." William says: "That's how I am. I wish that I was one or the other instead of both." My mom says: "Oh sweetie, but you get the best of both worlds." (which I will give my mom props for because it was an excellent response under pressure. William pulls these conversations out of nowhere and the pressure to not say the wrong thing is enormous.)

The conversation ended there and William was off on another topic. But this stuff affects him. To white kids he is African-American. To African-American kids he's white. It's a tough world to be stuck in and I know that he struggles with it a lot and gets picked on at school, at his after-school program, and in our neighborhood.

But now he has someone to look up to that also has a white mom and a black dad. And as much as he wants to pretend that he doesn't like being told he looks like Obama, he secretly loves it. I see it in his eyes. (Even when he's chanting "John McCain, John McCain, John McCain" when Obama supporters are canvassing our house.)

And for me, Obama represents the future. Moving away from the hate and division that has permeated politics for the last decade. I can't even explain what it feels like to be used as a political wedge issue. It amazes me how casually people throw out stuff about gay people. I just want to scream. "I'm not some abstract concept. My life is not a political game. My family is not the devil. I'm not trying to destroy the fabric of society."

I'm just trying to make a space for me and my husband and our son to live our lives. To have the same rights as everyone else. To not have to explain to my son why our Facebook pages say we are married, but we aren't really married. And to see the confusion in his face. To explain that some people don't want us to have that right and they think being gay is wrong. I don't want to tell him about the harsh realities of life and how cruel people can be.

But I don't have to...he knows. He lives it. He is a bi-racial nine year old with two white gay dads. He knows the cruelty of teasing. He already experiences it on a daily basis. He hears the laughter, the nasty words, the mean-spiritedness of people's comments.

But now there is hope. H.O.P.E. We just want to live our lives. To carve out our niche. Don't we all have enough of our own crap to deal with. Do we have to heap that sadness on everyone who is different than us?

"We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness."

Isn't that what it's all about.

I know I'm a cheese, but I can't help it...Obama is our next President and I have HOPE in the future and our son's future. I can't stop smiling.

Tricks and Treats...

2008-11-01T14:32:00.003-05:00

HALLOWEEN...the night of ghosts and goblins and LOTS of Candy! I loved Halloween as a kid and let's be honest, I loved it as a teenager too. Yes I was one of those obnoxious older kids who still went out each year. But at least I dressed up!

For many years in my 20's, Halloween fell off my radar. I guess I outgrew it or there wasn't the same feeling to it. The magic of it just went out for me.

And then, along came nephews and nieces, and that old feeling of loving the holiday came back. I loved going to see the kids all dressed up. Seeing how giddy they were to go out and collect candy door to door.

So, this year just added a new layer of excitement. William, of course, HAD to be SpongeBob!! Being the procrastinator that I am, I was up until 1am the night before making his costume. I think it turned out cute, although the box I used was heavy duty and I didn't realize how heavy it would be on his head. I drove him to school so that he wouldn't have to lug it on the bus. He got embarrassed right as we drove up to school and he told me later that when it came time to put on their costumes William didn't want to put his on. Luckily, one of his teachers had dressed up as SpongeBob too (she pinned kitchen sponges to her shirt and had a name tag on that said, "Hello, my name is Bob) and she was able to encourage him to put it on. He said everybody in the gym loved it. It was so cute to hear him tell the story. Anyway...below is our little SpongeBob.

That night we went over to Jeff and Abby's house to go trick or treating with the cousins. It was hilarious. Lori, Abby, and me walked around the neighborhood with the kids while Jeff handed out candy. Grandma Paulette came by to see all her grandkids dressed up. Maya was the princess from Sleeping Beauty, Justin was a photo enforced stoplight, Audrey was a little pink pig, and Alex was a fighter pilot. Justin was hilarious because he would take his hat off between houses and when he would knock on the door he would ask, "Why are adults afraid of me?" The people would say, "I don't know." And he would put his hat on and say, "because I'm photo enforced." People got a huge kick out of it. It was a fun night and we were able to avoid a candy free-for-all and have agreed to spread out his candy haul over the next couple weeks! =)

Dinner Party!

2008-10-27T22:31:00.000-05:00

Every once in a while we get to still act like grown-ups. For instance, last night we had a dinner party at our house with a couple of friends. It was fun to have people over and enjoy adult conversation.
William actually does really well at these type of events, which always surprises me. I forget how smart he is and that he actually does know how to act properly and behave himself and he saves his horrendous behavior for when no one else is around. But he likes to dress up and likes to be the only kid with a bunch of adults. Of course he didn't want to sit next to me or Lawrence. He ended up at the head of the table next to Jon and Dean. William and Dean (the guy on the right in the above picture who is one of the sweetest guys in the world by the way) hit it off and Dean got him to try goat cheese (which he loved) and bread with pesto which he also liked. William surprises me with the food he likes. He loves olive tapenade and salads and different cheeses. Recently we were out to dinner and their were Parmesan Cheese slivers on his salad and he couldn't stop talking about how good they were. He made me try one! Such a funny kid.

Anyway, it was a fun night and he did really well. We went up and played a game and got PJs on and then he came down to say goodnight. He was doing so well I half expected him to break out with a little song... "So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night. I hate to go and leave this pretty sight..."

A Lost Camera and More Birthdays

2008-10-24T09:39:00.010-05:00

So we got robbed or something. It's the weirdest thing ever, but William's Wii and our digital camera disappeared out of the house. The weirdest thing is that they took the Wii and all the Wii games, but left the PlayStation and all of its games. They were sitting next to each other. Anyway, it's been over a month and the mystery has yet to be solved.

In the meantime, I didn't have a camera for a month which kind of makes blogging difficult because I think pictures are vital to telling the story. So there is a month missing from my blog. Just know that it isn't that we didn't do anything for a month, I just don't have pictures.

What have we been up to... Well, we celebrated my little sister Lori's birthday in late September. She got herself a new tatoo for her birthday! I love that girl. We celebrated Jamie's birthday by going out to Mia Rosa (new Tapas restaurant that I don't recommend- OK food, but overpriced) with the gang. We went to my Uncle Joe's new farm for the day on an early October weekend. (I'm gonna try to get pictures from Aaron and Lori because I think they may have some.) We went to Lawrence's Band Together concert, which was fun except that William was in a mood and it went until after 10pm which is where you start entering the crabby zone!

So that about catches things up to now.

My birthday was on the 22nd. It was the big 33. I actually don't mind it. I like my 30's so far and I think 33 sounds kind of cool. So we celebrated with the family at Jeff and Abby's house and I got a NEW camera from my parents and Aaron & Lori. My older siblings, Jeff and Abby got me a new mixer (I killed ours and I can't remember how but I remember the smell because I fried the motor) and a massage!! I need to make an appt. soon! My parents also gave me a Lowe's gift card because I'm always working on projects around the house. It was a good party and as usual the cake was outstanding. Really that is the most important thing at a b-day party. And I took a couple pics with my new camera...

On my actual birthday I went out to dinner with just my boys (Lawrence and William- duh). We went to Llywelyn's Pub. It was quiet, simple, and painless- Just the way I like my birthday to be. After dinner the three of us took a walk down a couple of the "private" streets in the Central West End. It was actually unseasonably warm and was a gorgeous night. The streets have gates but the sidewalks are open and the houses are HUGE. So we picked out our favorites and laughed about what we would do with all that room. It was kind of surreal to just walk down the street holding the hand of the love of my life and watch this little man run ahead of us singing some weird song that he picked up from kids at school. It was one of those moments that was just perfect. That you want to just hold on to. It's funny how our minds work because I'm sure in reality William may have been saying something inappropriate and my husband may have been annoyed that I was holding his hand in public. But in my head and my memory, I forget that stuff and just think about the happy parts. A nice simple dinner and a quiet moon-lit stroll with my husband and child. The perfect birthday.

Oh yeah and Lawrence got me lots of gifts too...A beautiful new sweater, a manicure and pedicure, Will & Grace: The Final Season, and a NEW Vacuum Cleaner (I know I'm old because I was REALLY excited about this. It's so fun to use. And Yes, I'm a dork and a clean-freak. Just ask Lawrence!) Wow...putting those presents in writing...I'm so gay...clothes, spa, gay TV show, and a vacuum...it doesn't get much gayer unless you throw in Barbara and I don't like her (but my husband LOVES her).

Family Reunion...A New Tradition??

2008-09-15T19:53:00.006-05:00

This past weekend my immediate family went to my aunt's houses down at the Lake of the Ozarks in mid-Missouri. My sister Kristi and her husband Steve and their son Bryce came up from Oklahoma City. There were 12 adults and 6 kids. It was hilarious and fun and crazy and relaxing.

To start with the funniest story, I have to give some context. So I just found out about Kristi in June of 2007 and this was the first time we had seen her since then. So on Friday Lawrence and William and I arrive down at the Lake around 6pm. We all eat dinner and unwind and then get the kids to bed. Finally when it is just the adults, we grab some beers and hang out on the porch just talking and laughing. Now, you need to understand my little brother has a warped sense of humor and he's always harassing me. So in the first few hours of being there he has probably walked by me and twisted my nipple like 18 times.

At some point I go in the house to grab a beer and I'm in there for a while talking to my sister Lori. Finally we go back out into the dark and as I'm walking around the table I scoot by my brother and I reach out and twist his nipple. He says: "Thank you" and I keep going around the table. I sit down and look next to me and my little brother is sitting there with his mouth open. Time stops as the realization of what I had just done washes over me. I had walked by Kristi's husband Steve and twisted his nipple. This man who I had met once in my life. The most ironic part is that of course it was the gay brother who does this and Steve is in the military. Nice!

Luckily Steve has a great sense of humor and I was mortified enough for everyone. My little brother wouldn't let it go of course and kept coming up with new horrible nicknames...the nippler, the nip-burglar, etc. None of them were funny. =)

The rest of the weekend was less eventful. We chilled, swam, jet skied, tubed, hung out, played cards, etc. I love going down there anyway because it's just relaxing, but this time it was extra special.

My favorite part was sitting up one night talking about how the three of us (Kristi, my mom, and me) have this weird connection with the spirit world. That sounds strange, but we all have had experiences with ghosts or spirits. And Kristi and me both have dreams that come true, like real premonitions. I think it was reassuring for Kristi to know that she has family that has the same "weird" experiences and for us it is just always kind of fun to find someone else that has those kind of stories.

This was the weekend that Hurricane Ike came up from the south through Missouri. It passed through the lake later in evening on Saturday. The wind was pretty strong and it poured buckets of water. In fact, the other funny story of the weekend is waking up on Sunday morning to a 20 degree temperature drop and my little brother finding that the little fishing boat had sunk. If it hadn't of been tied to the dock it would have been gone. It took all of us to tip it enough that we could get enough water out of it so that it would float. Aaron being the youngest and the bravest? dumbest? jumped in the water and pulled the boat to shore. It was quite the adventure.

William loves being down at the lake. He loves fishing. LOVES being in the water. And I think it is just one of those places where a boy can be a boy. He gets dirty and doesn't have to shower because he sort of bathes in the lake. =) I mean let's be honest. Lawrence gets grossed out because I still will go down to the lake for a long weekend and I won't shower the whole time either. So why would I make our 9 year old bathe! William also seemed to hit it off with Bryce. They have a bit in common in that they both like the outdoors, are both pretty athletic, both like video games, etc. So that was really cool also.

My favorite picture from the weekend is our huge family pic. It just makes me smile! Notice the ham in the lower right corner throwing out one of his weird kissy faces.

Audrey's Third Birthday

2008-09-03T14:30:00.002-05:00

The above picture just cracks me up. For one, it is just too cute. Audrey (in the middle) was about a month away from her birthday in this picture. She just looks so big. And then there is the protective big brother, Alex, holding onto her. With Justin, the silly middle brother, with his hand in his armpit.

Meanwhile, Maya is just too cool! "Look at me world!"

So, I can't believe Audrey is three. She's the youngest of the nieces and nephews. They grow up so quick. As with tradition in their family, Audrey has now transitioned into a big girl bed and she started preschool. She is really, really into Angelina Ballerina and is taking ballet lessons. Of course, surprise, she picked an Angelina birthday cake.

She got a doll house from her mom and dad too, which she had to show to everyone. I think William even played with it a little bit.

It was a fun birthday party. I mean how can you go wrong when cake and ice cream are involved! My favorite part of the whole party was when we were opening presents and I looked over and William was sitting between grandpa's legs. I got a little choked up thinking about leaning my head on my dad's shoulder during church growing up. It seems like yesterday.

William has taken to my parents so quickly. He already calls them Grandma Paulette and Grandpa Ken. Of course, since they specialize in spoiling grandkids rotten I figured it wouldn't take them long to suck him in. He loves spending the night at their house...chilling in the hot tub... playing on grandpa's playstation...fishing in the lake...riding his scooter around the lake...etc. He never wants to leave. Of course I think he talks them into giving him soda, which we won't give him, so that helps in the bribery category!

Anyway, I had a picture of him and grandpa from the party, but our camera got stolen. So instead, it has to just be one of those mental memories. Picturing the two of them just makes me revert back to being nine years old and knowing I was safe as long as my dad was around...

VACATION...

2008-08-21T21:24:00.004-05:00

Vacation...oh it was fabulous. Lawrence and I went to Curacao in the Netherland Antilles for a whole week. We left at 6am on August 9 and came back at 10pm on August 16. We had a fabulous time. And the munchkin got to go on his own vacation to Grandma and Grandpa Miskel's house in Hermann, MO and had a blast!

Back to Curacao. It was beautiful. HOT, but beautiful. We stayed at a Lodge on the Northern tip of the island. The lodge was peaceful and relaxing. We had an amazing suite. The lodge had all these separate little houses with two rooms on the 1st floor and one large one on the second floor. We were on the second floor. We had a bedroom with french doors that opened to this huge porch/balcony. There was a mini kitchen off the balcony where we cooked most of our dinners. The evenings were gorgeous because it cooled off and we had a view of the mountains. We spent time sightseeing in the city (Willmestead), laying on the gorgeous white sand beaches, snorkeling in the bright blue water. And having a couple tropical drinks! It was a relaxing and fun week and was good for us as a couple to have some time away from the kiddo. And he actually stayed out in Hermann for 4 days after our return, which gave us some time to readjust to the real world without a kid. Overall it was a great vacation. I will say towards the end I started to miss the little man. It was so quiet with just the two of us laying around in the evenings watching the Olympics and planning our next day. I had gotten used to having this loud, adorable, obnoxious, funny nine year old mouthing off to me about something. =)

Now it's back to the real world.

GrassStains...

2008-08-01T16:22:00.000-05:00

Here we are...the 2008 GrassStains!!!

Yes that's right. I played in the Gay and Lesbian Association of Summer Softball (GLASS) this summer. We were in the Recreational Division, but we did play a game or two against teams in the intermediate division. In fact I had words with a player from one of those teams who was taking the whole thing a little too seriously. Luckily William was with me that day so we both watched our mouths as we were leaving the fields. Yikes!

But, more importantly...our team won the Recreational Division...and we were a brand new team...and very few of us knew each other before the first game. You could say that we came together well. We had fun and it was decent exercise. So at the awards banquet...(Yes there was a banquet at a local gay bar)...we got this huge trophy for winning the division. It was hilarious...I'm talking like four feet tall. Tell me what self-respecting gay man wants that thing sitting around their house. I mean let's be honest, those trophies aren't pretty.

Additionally, they handed out MVP and Spirit Awards to each team (the players voted on these). Somehow I was voted MVP of my team. Of course we were sitting in the back of the bar drinking the free beer and I had to walk all the way up front to receive my trophy. Oh it makes me laugh. Thankfully it's only about a foot tall. Right now it's sitting on top of the bookshelf in our bedroom, although it may find another home soon... =)

Anyway, it was a fun summer. And it gave me an outlet on Sunday afternoons. In fact I'm playing ball this fall in the same league. However, they aren't doing divisions and are just going to randomly throw people together. So no GrassStains this fall. But I am on the Orange team (hopefully we'll get to name ourselves!)

I want....

2008-07-25T09:11:00.001-05:00

So the other night we walked up the street to the Missouri Botanical Garden. It is one block from our house and during the summer they have free concerts on Wednesday nights. This summer there have actually been quite a few Wednesdays where the weather has been cool enough (meaning in the 80's) that the concerts could be enjoyable. It really is amazing because there must be a thousand people (I'm a horrible crowd guesser, but it feels like that much) just sitting on blankets or in their lawn chairs. People bring wine and cheese or major meals and everybody just sits around and has a great time. The music is varied each week. Sometimes Jazz, sometimes folk, sometimes a gentle rock....always enjoyable.

Anyway, we always park our butts near the fountain where all the kids play while the adults drink wine and listen to the music. William always has to bring UNO and we usually play a couple hands of that. He's so funny...he's obsessed with UNO. He also loves the fountain. I don't think we have even made him where his swimsuit. He just takes off his shoes and socks and shirt and plays (It's only a block to home in his wet pants).

So this week we are sitting there and he takes off his shoes and is getting ready to go play and he is just standing there watching the other kids. Then instead of going to play he plops down in my lap. I say- "Hey buddy, aren't you gonna go play." "Yeah" (and then he justs sits there watching). Finally after a minute or so of silence he says... "I want a brother."

I'm sort of stunned into silence, so he repeats... "Can I have a brother?" At first, I joke with him. "So, how about a baby brother?" As I eye Lawrence to see if he's paying attention. "No, I want a brother that is my age. How about an 8 year old?" "I think we are still getting used to having a nine year old living with us." "How many points do I have to get at school to get a brother?" Now I'm trying not to laugh, but also wanting to end the conversation. "This is a decision for me and Lawrence to talk about making our family bigger. We're all still adjusting to the current situation, why don't we give it some time?" He looks up and smiles at me... "What do I have to do to get a brother as a reward?"

I laugh and send him on his way to play in the fountain.

(He saw all the siblings playing together in the fountain, which is what spurred this discussion. Plus, William has trouble being friends with people. He makes friends easily, but then tends to be mean to them along the way. I think he figures a sibling is stuck with him. What William really needs is for us to show him how to maintain friendships. Of course I know I could use help with that too sometimes. Shut-up Gary. At least I admitted it.)

A brother as a reward... let's start with a pet fish and go from there. =)

I do want a baby though...just so you know.

Retraumatizing the Traumatized

2008-07-18T22:45:00.002-05:00

So William's school called in a report to the Abuse Hotline on his bus monitor. I don't think we will ever have the full story, but this is what we have pieced together...

On the way home from school William and some other boy got into a fight. Now, William usually is a verbal fighter and avoids the physical. He's tiny. As a side note, I put in his height and weight into this CDC calculator and William is in the first percentile. That means our little man is, well, little. He is 50 inches tall, 9 years old, and 43 pounds. To give you some indication, he weighs the same as my 5 year old nephew Justin.

Anyway, apparently he got into a physical fight (more rough and tumble than throwing fists) with another boy. The bus monitor pulled them apart and back into their seats. This is where the story has different versions. The important thing is that all parties agree that the bus monitor backhanded William in the face (across the eye). William says she did it after separating them and for no reason (hmmm??). The bus monitor has claimed that William bit her and her reaction was to swing her arm and she hit him. It doesn't really matter what happened, she never should have hit him. Never.

He was unusually quiet that evening, but we couldn't get anything out of him. We actually found out the next morning from school. Apparently another child on the bus was upset by what happened and told their parent who was concerned enough to call the school. The school immediately Hotlined the situation and William was interviewed by an investigator the next morning. We haven't heard anything since and are waiting for our case worker to get back to us on what is happening. The bus monitor was immediately pulled off the bus and in fact his bus driver is different now too.

I guess we will never know exactly what happened. Although the buses are supposed to have video cameras, our principal tells us she has never successfully gotten a video from one of these incidents. They are either not working, not turned on, etc. It's BS and I've thought about a lawsuit, but don't know what good that would do or if I'm just being over the top.

I know William can be a pain. Trust me, I live it and there are times when I want to give him a good whack on the butt (like my mom did with a ping-pong paddle- sorry mom- you know I had to get it in here =) But I don't... The child has been through hell and while his behavior is unacceptable, physical punishment is not the answer. In fact it only escalates his anger and outrage. In other words, it re-traumatizes the traumatized. I'm feeling more and more convinced that William has extreme PTSD. A lot of his other diagnoses seem to be symptoms of PTSD. However, it's all a tangled web and it gets overwhelming. On top of PTSD, he has been diagnosed with ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, an anxiety disorder, an attachment disorder, depression, and the wonderfully ambiguous Severely Emotionally Disturbed (SED).

It's overwhelming to live in the same house as him sometimes. You feel like you don't know what the hell you are doing and it takes every ounce of will power to keep any resemblance of patience and calmness in your voice. But I try to remind myself how much this little boy has been through and how I just want to give him some happy childhood memories. I want him to not be so mean, so unhappy that he can't stand to see other people happy. I want him to smile more and crab less. I want him to laugh. I want his innocence back...

But that isn't reality. And it breaks my heart in a thousand ways. And it pisses me off that he was traumatized by another adult...

And then I have a good cry in the shower and go back to being the best parent I can be...

Summer Time...

2008-07-11T09:02:00.000-05:00

Between baseball practice and games, meeting with caseworkers, us working, William in summer school, and trying to eat dinner as a family there isn't a lot of time to enjoy the summer. But we are trying. William loves to just be out in the neighborhood hanging out with friends (or enemies depending on the day). We are trying to expose him to lots of good and diverse stuff, seeing if stuff sparks his interest. Lawrence has been practicing math with him, both multiplication and division. And William is slowly getting it. Actually I think he knows it but he likes to pretend he doesn't know what he's doing. You have to catch him at the right moment. He is enjoying baseball, although he's starting to get frustrated because he can hit the ball in practice, but has been striking out in games. I think he gets nervous. We went to the batting cages and I think that has helped with his confidence.

We also took William to the ballet. We saw Sleeping Beauty. Lawrence really enjoys the ballet and the symphony. I like the symphony most of the time. Ballet isn't my favorite, but I don't hate it. Actually I enjoy it for the first hour or so and then I am sort of done. William did much better than I expected. He was antsy, but made it through three of the four acts. At one point he climbed on my lap and laid his head on my shoulder but was still watching what was happening. It helped to read him the description of each act from the program. Him and me left after the third act and Lawrence and Tim stayed until the end. That night I took William to my mom and dad's house. My mom told me the next day that at one point William was playing with something by himself and she overheard him humming a familiar tune. She finally realized that it was music from Sleeping Beauty. She didn't say anything to him, but said it was really cute. So whether he knows it or not, the music gets inside your head.

On a completely different note, Gary harassed me for not having a picture of the three of us together as a family. My only excuse for this is that I hate pictures of myself. However, the below picture is from Pride weekend and I think its amusing. My son, the ham!

Also just a couple more random pictures from the summer. Our summer roses and a group shot from Ian's 40th Birthday Party (clockwise from me it is John, Charisse, Gary, Jamie, and Ian).

Happy Fourth!

2008-07-06T08:29:00.001-05:00

We had a very quiet fourth of July. We spent most of the day lounging around, working around the house, and catching up on Netflix movies. However we did manage to pull ourselves together and make it to the Webster Groves (community within the St. Louis Metro Area where my older brother and sister live and where Lawrence went to high school) fireworks. We met up with Jeff and Abby and their kids. Abby had generously gone up earlier in the day and laid out blankets to save some prime spots for firework viewing.

I love fireworks, but hate crowds. I don't like venturing to the downtown fireworks during the fourth because it is just too crazy. Actually it isn't the crowds that I necessarily dislike, but the traffic. I abhor sitting in traffic (Part of the reason we live 8 minutes from our places of employment). That's why the Webster fireworks are great. Minimal traffic, Lawrence knows the secret routes around the area (since in high school you have nothing better to do but drive around and explore your neighborhood when you finally get your license). William INSISTED on bringing his IPOD. Now usually we have a rule that he can bring his IPOD in the car but he can't take it inside places. He also is not allowed to take it outside when he goes to play. William is just too irresponsible. Some of that I think is that he is just a nine year old boy and it's hard to keep track of these things. But part of it is that I think he grew up in such chaos that when he did get nice things they often got broken or stolen or lost. He has developed this lack of concern for his personal property, which may have served him in the past because if he didn't care too much about anything it didn't matter if it was gone. But at this point it is translating into just being irresponsible with his property. So we are slowly trying to teach him about this.So, on the fourth he insisted on bringing his IPOD in the car. We said OK, but he had to leave it in the car. Of course when we parked he started throwing a fit about wanting to bring it with him to our blankets. We gave in after explaining to him that he was responsible for the IPOD and if he lost it no one was going to replace it for him. (You know where this story is going don't you).

He took it. And then he put it down on the blanket once the fireworks started. When it was time to leave he got up and walked away and left it on the blanket. I saw him do all this and so when I went to shake the blanket out and fold it up, I grabbed the IPOD and put it in my pocket.

He did realize on the 15 minute walk back to the car that he didn't have it. He wanted to go back, but wasn't crying or anything. We told him "no," that he was responsible for remembering it and he forgot and that it was probably gone already anyway. Very little reaction, no tears, and 2 minutes later he was on to something else.

Since then he has brought up his IPOD a couple times (I still haven't told him I have it). He'll randomly ask to go back to the field and find it.

I'll give it back soon, but only after a talk about being responsible for your own things (I know my parents are rolling their eyes at me right now. Saying.."this from our son who kicked a huge hole in our wall with his foot." But I did have to help patch the wall and I think I'm pretty responsible. If anything I'm too responsible...I'm such a rule follower!

Enjoy some funky firework pictures...My hand shook while the camera was taking in the light.

St. Louis PRIDE 2008

2008-07-01T12:13:00.010-05:00

William's first pride celebration was this past weekend. It was such a blast. He was HILARIOUS.
First let me say that I love Pride. It makes me feel like I belong to something that is bigger than me. It makes me laugh and get a little teary eyed and feel proud. I love being surrounded by my community. It was St. Louis's 29th annual Pride Festival and the crowds were estimated at 80,000 at the parade (I think that includes those in the parade)!

On Saturday we stopped by the park to walk around the booths and see people after William's baseball game. William was on my back and kept whispering in my ear "Are all these people gay?" Yes sweetie, most of them are. Then he quickly became obsessed with the number of people we knew...or let me say...the number of people Lawrence knew. Many of them I now know, but only because my husband is a little social butterfly. William and me were counting the people Lawrence stopped to talk to. =)

Saturday night my parents volunteered to watch William. So with our night out we went out to celebrate... Actually first we went and saw a movie (The Happening- and I don't recommend it, I thought it was stupid and too graphic. I kept closing my eyes). But then we went out. I don't really like going out to the bars much anymore. And we haven't been out to the dance club in a good six months to a year. I will go out with my boys about once a week, but we usually try to find the quiet places where we can actually talk. My days of the thumpa-thumpa dance music are quickly passing. I'm content to be at home or someplace quiet.

But Pride is different. The energy is different. The crowd is different. We went out and had a blast. Seeing people, crowd watching, talking, having a few drinks. We started at a bar, but ended up at the dance club around midnight. You could tell we are getting older because we were home by 1:30am as things were just getting going out on the town.

Sunday was the parade. Lawrence marched with Band Together:

They led off the parade which was fun. BTW- My husband plays the Sax:

My favorite of the parade was the cheerleaders. They had routines and everything....

I did get a little misty-eyed twice. Once when the gay youth group walked by and there were at least 150 teens marching. And then when Obama's float/car came by with over 200 marchers and the crowd was cheering and chanting OBAMA!! It gave me shivers a little. I want him to win the presidency so bad I can taste it. He inspires me. His speeches (especially the one on race) bring tears to my eyes. He makes me believe. Believe in change. Believe in hope. Believe in this country. Believe that freedom and equality may one day be attainable for all Americans!

But the best part of the parade was William. He made me bring a bag to carry all the goodies he got during the parade. He also quickly became obsessed with getting beads from everyone. We watched the parade with Gary and Jelena and before it started we were making him practice his cute face. Which was really funny because it comes so natural he couldn't quite figure out how to make it on purpose. He kept making these funny faces that looked more like Daffy Duck, Sour Patches, or I'm a little orphan.

At first he was just giving people his cute face, but then we told him he had to yell out for beads. I told him to yell..."You're cute, give me beads" but he kept yelling "I'm cute, give me beads!" We were laughing too hard to correct him.

The end result was 67 bead necklaces which have now been sitting on the family room floor for three days! But look at that face...wouldn't you throw him some beads! =)

Family Reunion- Lake Style

2008-06-27T08:51:00.006-05:00

We were at my family reunion at the Lake of the Ozarks from Thursday night (18th) until Wednesday (25th). Well, me and William were- Lawrence only got to join us for a brief time from late Saturday night to Monday afternoon.

We had a blast. My aunt Jackie and late Uncle Walt have two houses down there. The reunion has grown and shrunk in size over the years as kids grow up and families get busy. The reunion is my mom's side of the family. She has two brothers and her sister is my Aunt Jackie. Then there are lots of cousins and second cousins (I don't think I'm at third cousins yet- maybe one) When I was a kid my Uncle and Aunt from Ohio would come down with their kids, but I don't think any of them have come in almost 15 years. Now instead of me and my brothers and cousins being the "young ones," my older cousins all have teenage kids now and my brothers and me all have little kids. My cousin Mitch (Jackie's son) is even a grandpa already.

It's all chaos and craziness and silly fun. A lot of people got there on Thursday and then most everyone else (except Lawrence) came down on Friday. Over the weekend there were 30 people running around. Then most people left on Sunday or Monday so I got a couple quiet days where there were only about 11 or 12 of us. We usually do a lot of boating, tubing, riding the jet skis, swimming, laughing, playing cards, drinking, singing, and dancing.

This year was no exception. There were some hilarious moments over the weekend. Like when my little brother and cousin Andy got the teenage boys to swim over to the island at 3am to try to move this ugly old dock along the shore and out of our line of sight. Me and Lori and Erin sat on our dock listening to them. It was pitch black and nobody could see much, but their voices echoed off the water. I made beer come out of Erin's nose because we were laughing so hard. Another night I got a wild hair and went up to the gas station and bought some Captain Morgan's. Now I don't drink much anymore. I have a couple drinks maybe once a week (like 2 or 3 on a "crazy" night) with my friends. Anyway, this night I convinced (it didn't take much) my sister Lori to drink Captain and Coke with me. Needless to say the two of us split the entire bottle by ourselves. We had a great time. I ended up playing some drinking game with my almost legal cousins and everyone was singing and laughing. It was quite the good time. I went to bed around 2:30 and then got up and puked 20 minutes later (I told you I don't drink!). Of course, that morning the little man decided to get up at 6am. NICE! I guess that is karma.

William had a blast. Not only was Alex there, but Aaron and Lori brought Lori's nephew Michael who is also 8 years old. So there were three boys near the same age. They did lots of swimming and tubing and begged for lots of rides on the jet skis. I bought William a fishing pole and he caught a couple fish while we were down there. Of course the boys also bickered some. At one point Alex and William were at each other and I kept asking them to stop because I was trying to fix the jet ski and they were standing next to me going back and forth at each other. Finally my mom and dad came down and my dad was helping me. I stood up and Alex and William were still at it, so I picked them up one at a time and tossed them in the lake. Alex didn't say much, but boy was William mad at me. You would have thought I tossed him in a pit of snakes or something. He had on his swimsuit and life jacket, so it's not like he wasn't prepared to get in the water. Oh well, it taught them a lesson- Don't argue around water or you might get tossed in! =)

I have a couple pictures right now and then some more on the home computer that I'll add later.

Baseball

2008-06-18T15:23:00.005-05:00

William is playing baseball for the BOSTON RED SOX.

OK, he's playing for the YMCA Red Sox, but it's about as exciting as if he were playing major league ball. He's so handsome in his baseball outfit. And the kid has some potential.

So I got a little weirded out at his first baseball practice. I was standing there with all the parents watching them practice and I just had this out of body experience. I was like- how did I get here? How did I become a parent to an 8 (now 9) year old. I was having flashbacks to my dad coaching my little league. It seems like yesterday that I was only 8 years old...

Anyway...back to William. He's pretty good. He's got an arm and he can catch and he's not afraid of getting in front of the ball. We do need to go to the batting cages because even though he's hitting in practice, he has struck out in both the games they have played so far. His biggest problem though is paying attention and keeping focused. It's as if his little body just won't let him. He tries so hard to stand still and watch what's going on. He does this funny little move where he jumps and bends his legs back and touches his shoes with his hands. He seems to do it when he gets excited. It's cute. But sometimes I worry he's going to get beamed with a ball while doing his little jump move.

I volunteered to help coach, but there are a lot of others who did also. The last game they asked me to be the bench coach. Meaning that when our team was up to bat I kept the kids in order on the bench and told them when to get into the on deck circle. It was fun. The whole thing is just fun. It is the first time he has played organized sports. I love being able to get him involved in activities that he has never gotten to experience.

Before each game the teams come on the field and say the YMCA sportsman's pledge:

And this is the little man's first at bat in the big leagues (gotta get that elbow up):

Camp Invention

2008-06-14T10:11:00.000-05:00

William had one week off between school and summer school. I feel sort of sad for him. I remember looking forward to summer so much. Long days of doing nothing but playing outside. Running around with friends.

And poor William has to go to school and he lives in an urban neighborhood where he is only allowed to "play" in a half block radius around our house. His bus comes a half hour earlier than during the school year so when he goes to bed he hears kids outside. It makes me appreciate my stay-at-home mom growing up. And it makes me feel guilty that William has two dads that work and he has to go to summer school and then an after school program. It's just a different life than what I had. I know that he loves his after school program and summer school is mostly field trips and fun stuff and is more about learning appropriate social interactions than about academics, but when I have to wake up the little man at 6:30am and he whines about how I woke him from the best dream ever, I feel a little guilty.

So, his one week off from school. He spent it at Camp Invention. And he had a great week. We couldn't get alot out of him about what he did, but he seemed to have a great time. From what we did get, they learned about recycling and they took apart things to see how they worked (we sent him to camp with the phone from our kitchen because we couldn't find any other electronic that we didn't want. We still haven't replaced it, so if you call the house and I don't answer it's because I'm down stairs and there is no phone!)

He didn't get in any trouble at camp and I think mostly what they did was play around. On the last day I went and he gave me the "tour" of the different classrooms and teachers. William is such a social little creature. He knew all the counselors names and wanted me to meet them all and they all told me how adorable he was. Part of that is that he is just a social butterfly and some of it is that he uses his cuteness to get what he wants. He is really smart and manipulative. He told me the other night "I'm so cute I can get people to do whatever I want." He is very aware of his "powers." It's kind of scary sometimes. Being his parent you learn to cut through the BS. The cuteness worked at first but now that we have his number he's trying to figure out new ways to manipulate the situation in his favor. He has survived so far in life through manipulation of his environment. I get it...it's just not always easy.

On a lighter note, our lillies are blooming. Next to Iris, lillies are my favorite flower in our garden. We planted a bunch a few years ago and each year when they come back there are more and more. There is one that is a deep red that started as a single stalk with a couple flowers. This year Lawrence tried counting all the flower buds and I think he stopped at 130. They are really gorgeous. We have red, yellow, orange, a very light orange and a very deep red. Lawrence planted more this year and we'll have to wait a year to see the colors. For now, enjoy the pics.

Welcome to the Family Party

2008-06-11T16:28:00.003-05:00

Our friends Gary and Jamie threw us a Shower to welcome William to the family. It was a combined "Big-guy shower" and birthday party. It was awesome. The two of them did such an amazing job and everything was just perfect. The three of us had so much fun and William did so well. I thought he might have a melt down from being overstimulated and receiving too many presents, but he did awesome. Until right before bedtime he was a rock star. He was cute and sincere and sweet and very appreciative. I was sooo proud of him.

And we had a blast. It was a crazy mixture of our families and our different groups of friends. I think everyone had fun, but I'm positive that my family did. Of course there isn't a party that my family wouldn't enjoy. My sister, Abby, made him a SpongeBob cake. It was so cute. I'll post pictures once I get them from Jamie (I kept losing my camera throughout the night. Of course the beer I was drinking could have had something to do with that).

The highlight of the party was when William opened his presents. He was so grateful and was opening one at a time and commenting on them (in a good way) before moving on. And then...he opened "The Box!" Our friends Gary, Jamie, Charisse, John, Jelena, and Ian had all gone in together and bought him a Wii.

My little brother was sitting there and he said that he got choked up at William's reaction. He opened it, squealed a little, and then these big alligator tears just started rolling down his face. He was so happy and so excited that he cried. It was honestly one of the most heartfelt responses I have ever witnessed.

And since the party, we all have LOVED having the Wii. It really does rock. Lawrence and I have stayed up until 1 am a couple of weeknights playing the dumb game. It is really fun!!!

Good Times!!

William's B-Day - Results

2008-06-09T14:14:00.000-05:00

William had such a good birthday. After the pancakes, I picked him up at school and we went swimming (one of his favorite past times). Then we came home and Lawrence and I watched him open his presents. The first few got very sweet, very excited reactions. But it was the Heelys that he had been asking for for three months that made his day. His reaction was hilarious and was caught on film. I have named these pictures 1) Surprise, 2) Speechless, 3) Praise Jesus, 4) OMG, and 5) This is for real!

After the presents we went to Incredible Pizza (which is like Chucky Cheese but WAY better) and ate and played games and rode bumper cars and got sick on ice cream and cake. It was beautiful!

William's Birthday!

2008-06-05T12:12:00.004-05:00

Today is William's 9th birthday! I woke him up by singing to him. And just so you know...I can't sing. Lawrence won't let me sing to him. And my own mother once leaned over to me in church when I was little and said: "Why don't you just hum along?!" (She's hates when I tell that story.)

So our little man is nine...

He asked for pancakes for his birthday breakfast, so I got up early and mixed up some batter and threw in a little yellow food coloring and created...

SPONGEBOB!

He was so excited. It was too cute. He didn't seem to mind that SpongeBob seemed to have one leg in a cast or was suffering from some disease that causes major inflammation of the extremities. I also decorated the kitchen with Happy Birthday banners. It was very fun.

We let him open one of his presents...which was (of course) "SpongeBob: The Movie." He loved it and it is fun because he is so easy to please. He has to wait until this evening to open the rest. We got him another SpongeBob DVD, a 10 family games in one box thing (it includes Chinese checkers, Chess, checkers, etc.), and we got him Heelys (those shoes with wheels). He has been asking for them since he moved in so I think he'll squeak like a little mouse when he opens them. For now he was just happy to have SpongeBob pancakes...talk about appreciating the little things!

My boys...

2008-06-02T10:38:00.011-05:00

I was recently harassed by my sister Kristi for not having a picture of my husband on my blog. =) In order to remedy that I made the two of them pose for me last night. They were actually in the middle of arguing about going to bed, so the little man had to be persuaded to smile through some gentle tickling!
And for calling me out =) my sister gets her picture posted on the blog along with my other siblings (from left to right- Kristi, Jeff, Me, and Aaron).
Back to my boys. We had a good weekend, although I had tonsilitis and was not feeling great (I'm horrible when I'm sick. I really just want to be left alone, but with an 8 year old in the house that isn't possible. So I got a little snippy with him a couple times.) Lawrence occupied him quite a bit and played games with us. William loves board games. We played both Sorry and Yahtzee as a family. Me and Lawrence both beat the little man at Sorry, but he kicked our butts by over a hundred points at Yahtzee. The lucky duck got two Yahtzee's. He got Yahtzee this weekend as a present from one of my high school friends. Of course he opened everything so fast that I'm not sure if it was from Holly and Jason or from Allison's parents. But we'll throw a shout out to both! Yahtzee is our new obsession. He also got this SpongeBob Lego spaceship from Allison and Andy. We built it when we got home on Saturday night.

Interestingly I was just telling my friend Gary the other day that I was concerned because William doesn't do "imagination play." It makes me sad because I was lost in my imagination as a child. I created all sorts of worlds with my Legos, Transformers, and Star Wars figures. Sometimes the hot wheels even came to visit! But William doesn't do that. He doesn't like to be in his room by himself and he doesn't use his imagination. Gary says that is normal in kids who have been traumatized. But then on Saturday night after we finished building the Lego I was cleaning up and he started talking as the voices of the little SpongeBob lego figures and was wheeling around the little underwater car. I almost started crying. I quietly left him to his imagination. And then on Sunday morning he woke up early (of course) and was downstairs watching cartoons and playing with his Legos. I loved it and I think it is a really good sign.

Speaking of games. If you look closely at the picture of Lawrence and William above you'll notice a chess board on William's bed. I taught him to play chess over Memorial Day weekend and now he can't get enough. He knows all the rules and how the pieces move and we play it once or twice a day. He's getting much better. He hasn't beat me yet, but he played me to a draw the other night and he's getting more strategic at taking pieces. He's so smart with these kind of games.

I'm going to try to post more often. The problem of course is that I usually post while at work and work has been crazy. Sometimes I post from home, but it is usually so hectic that I don't get a chance. There is usually about an hour and a half after William goes to bed until my bedtime, but that is filled with chores and taking 20 minutes to just chill. Anyway, I'm gonna try to be better. Especially because tonight is William's first baseball practice. He's playing on a YMCA team. We went and bought him cleats and pants (and a jock strap and cup- boy that was fun to explain in the middle of the store and then have him be obnoxious with it). But he is sooo excited. We have been practicing the last two weeks and the kid actually has a hell of an arm for as little as he is. I'll be sure to embarrass him by taking pictures tonight. He is a little upset that his team's name is the Red Sox. He REALLY wanted to be the Cardinals.

Weekends...

2008-05-19T11:27:00.014-05:00

Weekends are welcome breaks for our family in many ways. First, William is really struggling at school with his behavior (although in the last two weeks he has strung together two good days in a row each week and has had good days five out of the ten days). When I say good days I'm talking about his daily point sheets, which are out of 15 points. A good day is anything that is ten or better. But even a good day at school doesn't always translate to a good day at home. It often seems that when he has a good day at school that he struggles with his behavior at home and vice versa. It is as if he can only hold it together for a fraction of each day. Bed times are particularly rough some nights. Last Wednesday William woke up in the morning and the first thing he said to me was "I didn't sleep well last night." I think he sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night and struggles to fall back asleep. So I knew right away that his day might be rough. And it was...

He was really mean and crabby to his peers and teachers and then at his after school program he attempted to choke a little girl. His teacher also called us to let us know that William had gotten a bus write up on the ride home from school on Tuesday (which may be why he didn't sleep well- he was sweating whether we were going to find out he got written up). And what did he do on the bus? Well, he called the bus monitor a mean, ugly, fa***t. Wednesday night we tried to keep everything really low key because he was so tired he had rings under his eyes. We did have a discussion about his use of that word which actually went really well. We asked him if he knew what it meant and he said it meant "mean" or "nasty." So we explained that he shouldn't use any cuss words, but that there are some cuss words that have extra meaning that is really hurtful and negative. We talked about the n-word and William said- "I would never use that word." So we explained that the f-word he used was similar except that it was a horrible word targeted at gay people. We made the whole conversation about the words and not about him being in trouble. Lawrence actually read him the definition from the dictionary. =) He seemed to really get how hurtful words can be and hopefully we won't hear that word or any other word like it again. So we felt good about turning around a rough day.

We got him showered and in PJs by 7:40pm and talked to him about an early bedtime because he was so tired. We even showed him the rings under his eyes in the mirror. However, when the time came to crawl in bed and read books he just refused. After trying to convince him, and him escalating, we told him he needed to stay in his room if he wasn't going to go to bed. He then proceeded to throw everything in his room on the floor. And when we didn't react to that (other than telling him that he was going to have to clean his room) he climbed up in the window sill, opened the window, and yelled "Help me! Help me! Call the police!" I can sort of laugh now, but at that point it wasn't funny at all. What do you say at that point? We told him that was unacceptable and he backed down. He stayed in his room for half an hour before he came and apologized. So it was 8:45 before he got to bed. And then he was so wound up he didn't fall asleep til 9:30. As I said, weekdays can be tough...

I think William is really struggling with being at a school for kids with behavior problems and being smart enough to realize that it isn't a typical school. Even though he is academically successful, he is really emotionally underdeveloped. He has been through so much in the last year and a half and has so much anger and frustration that he doesn't know how to express appropriately, that it comes out in these really inappropriate ways.

But weekends are usually a much less stressful time. On weekends he is just a kid, having fun and being silly with his uncles. William has been learning about gardening at school (they have a school garden) and both Lawrence and I love to work out in the yard. It is a great bonding time to all be out there together, planting, weeding, cleaning the fish pond, etc. Just being a family. The three of us have been working really hard on our gardens the last month of weekends and we are finally to the "maintenance" phase versus the "planting/starting" phase of the season. Over the years we have completely gotten rid of the grass in our yard (both front and back) and have a yard that is like an oasis in the urban jungle. We love it!

You Two are Too Tough...

2008-05-06T21:22:00.010-05:00

Just got the munchkin to bed about twenty minutes ago. Bedtime seems to be hit or miss. Either things go really smoothly or things get ugly quick. Tonight he took his shower and got in his PJs, but then decided to fight brushing his teeth and jumping into bed so that I could read him a book. He started calling us names, "fatty" and "ugly" and "mean." We tried to have a conversation about how that hurt our feelings and wasn't a nice thing to do, but he seems to escalate to a point of red rage and it's hard to pin down exactly what happened to get to that point. Tonight it got to the point where he started emptying out his drawers and was packing because he was going to run away. I had to leave the room to keep from laughing in front of him. I just had this image of the little man walking down the street with a baseball bat over his shoulder with a bag tied to it filled with his spongebob underwear and spongebob nightlight. We have quickly learned that it is best to ignore the negative behavior. Tonight we just walked out and left him in his room. After ten minutes he apologized and we settled him into bed. He loves to tell us that we are too tough on him. I tell him that means we are doing it right. Who would think a face this cute could be such a pain in the butt!
This past weekend we went to my Aunt Jackie's lake houses at the Lake of the Ozarks for a work weekend. Every spring the family goes down a couple weekends to get the houses ready for summer rentals. This weekend we were installing this metal stabilizer to one of the docks. This dock is open to the main channel of the lake and it gets beat up throughout the year. In fact the constant pounding damaged the boat lift and caused the boat to partially sink this winter. To prevent that from happening again we installed this 30 foot metal stabilizer. My dad brought it down in two pieces on a 16 foot trailer and we had to connect the pieces. The whole thing had to have been hilarious to watch. When it came time to put the thing in place it took 18 of us to pick it up and move it. Everyone kept waiting for something bad to happen, but it all went well and we got it into place. William did really good down at the Lake. Alex was down there with us and the two of them played well together. William did a lot of fishing and like all little boys he loves throwing rocks. He would set up a stack of cans and then knock them down. I love that in an age of computers and playstations and 24-7 cartoons that a little boy can still love knocking down cans with rocks. I did take William and Alex for rides on the jet ski, but boy was it freakin' cold. The temp was only about 58 on Saturday and I have no idea the water temperature but it was cold. My feet were numb for about half an hour! We left early Sunday and came home and worked in our gardens. I'll have to put pictures up of our yard once everything is ready for the big reveal. =) We only have a few beds left to clean up in the front yard. In the meantime below are some pics from the weekend at the Lake.

Looking UP...

2008-04-23T09:05:00.003-05:00

So that title is a little misleading, but I'm being optimistic here. We are slowly figuring out some of William's triggers and how to cut them off. Unfortunately it seems like as soon as you think you find something that works, it stops working. Sometimes it really feels like we are dealing with two separate children. Monday I worked a 17 hour day. I got to work at 7:15am and got home around 11:45pm. We had to travel to Kirksville, MO for the day. This left Lawrence in charge for the evening. We are quickly figuring out that Monday's are bad days.

Of course, it didn't help that William was exhausted because after putting him to bed (on Sunday night) he woke up and decided to watch himself a little TV. Lawrence happened to get up at 11pm on Sunday night to use the bathroom and heard his TV on. So he no longer has the privilege of a TV in his room. I know many people would think it was ridiculous of us to let him have a TV in his room anyway. Neither me or Lawrence had TVs in our rooms growing up. But we had an extra TV and we were trying to give him a space that was all his own. He loved getting up really early on the weekends and watching cartoons in bed. It also was nice because he has a PS2 and all his games and stuff could be in his room (I guess they still can, he'll just have to lug them out when he wants to play).

Anyway, he was tired and crabby when I got him up Monday morning and as I left for work I just knew things were going to go downhill. William just escalates at times and it seems no matter what you do, no matter how calmly you speak, no matter what tactics you use- there is no calming him down. When William first came to live with us he focused a lot of his vitriol on me, but lately it has been focused on Lawrence. He says some pretty awful things: "You're dumb, You're stupid, I hate you, I wish you'd die, You're evil." And then an hour later he will feel terrible. This is life with a child that is ADHD, has an anxiety and attachment disorder, and has been physically and verbally abused. All of this makes me respect foster parents EVEN MORE. No ONE does this for the money. If I ever hear someone say this again, we will have some words. =)

And then contrast all that with this past weekend. We had a great weekend. We went swimming, went to a Cardinals game, worked outside in the garden, helped with a neighborhood clean-up event, went to dinner and bowling with our friends Gary and Jamie, and even went to a brunch at my friend Jelena's house (to celebrate her FINALLY getting her green card- YEA!). He loved the food at the brunch, which was very European. Crapes, olives, fruit, etc. Very delicious and he went back for seconds (which my little bird-like eater never does). Yes he talked back a couple times and he loves to argue with us about inane things, but his behavior was pretty good all weekend.

So we continue to read articles and books on behavior modification and ADHD and we feel good that most of our instincts are exactly what the books tell you to do. And we try to savor the good moments and look upwards or forward to a time when every day isn't going to be this hard. It is exhausting to be a parent. I really don't know how my parents raised three boys and I don't know what my older brother and sister were thinking when they decided to have three also. They really are crazy! =) Of course once they are in your life, you can't imagine life without them. I cherish our time playing board games, building with Legos, being outside, and more than anything reading books with him. Last night we took turns reading pages and he was just too cute. It truly amazes me how good of a reader he is and how smart he is even though he got little parental support in his education (up until now). So we continue to climb and learn and figure our way as we grow as a family.

Long Week...

2008-04-18T09:18:00.005-05:00

This week was insane... Both work and home. At work I've had so much to do that I have been working from the moment I walk in the place to the moment I leave. I think I actually took lunch only once this week. At home, William had a rough week. Who am I kidding...we all had a rough week. William gets points at school. He can get a maximum of 15. Since he has been with us his daily score fluctuates between 5 and 13. Although it has mostly been in the lower range. Well this week he got a 5, 5, 1, and 4 (we'll see how today goes- he has an early dismissal day so you'd think he wouldn't be there long enough to lose that many points).

Besides having a rough week at school, he had a rough week at home. He is adjusting to our house rules, testing us, testing us, and trying to play us off each other. The good thing is that he seems to have a bad night and then a good night. Monday night was horrible. He had a total melt down after being asked to come to dinner and ignoring us. Lawrence went in and turned off his TV and he just went off. He calls us names (this is one of his biggest problems at school too- disrespect for staff and peers) and tells us he hates us. Anyway, the whole situation went from bad to worse. We kept trying to defuse the situation and he kept escalating. It really makes you question your ability to be a parent. We tried tactic after tactic and nothing seemed to work. We asked him to go to his room and cool off and then rejoin us at the dinner table when he wanted to apologize. He preceded to throw all his toys on the floor and barricade himself in his room. The night did end with a good talk, putting all his toys back where they belong, and apologies to both me and Lawrence. But it took our entire evening.

And then on Tuesday we played board games all night and he was (mostly) excellent. At times you really feel like you are losing your mind. This morning he got to go to school in his PJs. Of course he wanted to wear his SpongeBob ones. However, he wears them so much that they had a big hole in the butt seam. Luckily we caught it last night and Lawrence sat on the bed and sewed his favorite PJs back together. It was so cute watching Lawrence sew... I hadn't ever seen him do that before. =) Parenthood seems to bring out the best and worst in a person, especially with a child that is so smart and figures out your buttons in like two seconds and constantly pushes them. I find myself getting caught up in something he says to me and you really have to consciously stop and realize "This is my stuff and he is just sticking his finger in my wounds, but I'm letting him." It actually helps to have these realizations. In fact sometimes I find myself laughing at his behavior (on the inside) because it is so textbook. I have an MSW and studied a lot of child/human development.

So I sent him off to school in his PJs and as I kissed him goodbye and told him to have a good day, I realized how fleeting it all is. Soon he won't let me give him a peck on the forehead to say goodbye. Soon he won't like SpongeBob. We get so frustrated by the behavior, and it is harder to savor the good funny moments. I guess that is the challenge of parenthood. Balancing structure, discipline, and being the parent with being funny and laughing and just being a kid again. It's a delicate dance and we are still learning the moves. =)

Speaking of growing up fast, I wanted to introduce the two other members of our family- Blake and Celie. Blake is a little over three years old and is our little prince. He is cuddly and quiet and a little wallflower. Celie is about 7 months old and is the Queen of the House. She has sooo much personality and is feisty and vocal. I picked out Blake, both the cat and his name (named after Blake from QAF who I think is adorable). He was one of three brothers, all grey. He was the runt. Typical me, I always want to protect the weak and take care of them. Celie was born to a stray cat and we took her in when she was only four weeks old (probably too soon, but she did fine). She was the rambunctious one of the litter and of course that fits Lawrence well. He picked the name "Celie" from his favorite book, The Color Purple. It fits her. She is full of life. Anyway, I was looking at old pictures of them both the other day and could hardly remember Blake being that small. They grow up so quick...just like kids. =)

Birthdays

2008-04-14T17:12:00.011-05:00

Birthdays are very important in my family. We have a party for everybody, which includes a special cake made by Abby (my sister-in-law). The cake's are always amazing. Birthday party's have gotten crazier and crazier over the years as we have added spouses and more and more kids. I can still remember, not that long ago, when we had birthday parties where there weren't any kids around. We used to be able to sit around and just talk. It was a chance for us all to get together and catch up.

Now with five kids (soon to be six- right Lori and Aaron?) these parties are just loud and fast. At Lawrence's birthday my parents even set up a "kids only" table. They often seem to zoom right by and I feel like I've hardly gotten to talk to anybody. But they are still important. I love the idea of celebrating milestones. Even if they are only for a fleeting moment, they give us a chance to stop and recognize where we are at and how far we have come. To celebrate, to laugh, to talk, and to give gifts that bring a smile to people's faces.

Yesterday we celebrated Alex's birthday (his birthday is actually today). He is really into fighter jets right now, as you can tell by his cake. I can't believe he is 8 years old.

I still remember the day he was born. My uncle had just passed away and I was at home in St. Louis for the funeral. My little brother was still in high school and I remember going up to his high school to get him out early so that we could go to the hospital to see our first nephew. I went to the office and they told me what room he was in. I remember running down the hallway, interrupting his class, and running out with him. It was like Ferris Bueller or something. I felt like I was springing him from jail.

I was so excited. It was the start of a whole new generation. Almost a relief that our family stories and craziness would live on through these new names and faces. I vividly remember the tears and laughter, my parents excitement at their first grandchild, and just holding that little man named Alex.

And now, with William, we have birthday's every single month of the year. A chance once a month to sit down as a family and to enjoy each others company. I often have moments while we are sitting around laughing where I feel like time stops and I float above it all and I just smile at all the love that is around me.

And it is a chance for Uncle Matt to drive all the kids nuts taking pictures (see Maya telling me- "No more pictures!")

Reincarnation

2008-04-11T09:19:00.003-05:00

The other night William and I were hanging out in his room playing Go Fish. We were having fun and being silly and it was one of those moments that you just cherish. There is nothing else in the world, just you and this kid having fun. So William loves to just bring up these really deep topics at the most interesting moments. Actually I think it happens when something is on his mind and he actually relaxes a little and lets down his guard. He has spent most of his life not being able to rely on the adults in his life, so it is good that he feels comfortable enough already to talk to us about all sorts of stuff, some funny and some sad. So the conversation goes something like this:

William: Do you think that God lets you come back as someone else after you die?

Me: Well, some people believe you can come back, it's called reincarnation. Other people believe that you go to heaven and stay with God. What do you think?

William: I think God is nice and he'll let me come back.

Me: I'm sure he will.

(At this point my heart is breaking. I'm the softy in the house and I almost start crying because I'm thinking: this little boy is 8 years old and he has already had such a rough life that he already wants a "do over." He has so much life left to live and I want him more than anything to just be happy. Then William says-)

William: Will I see you in heaven?

Me: Of course you will buddy.

William: I don't know. (Smirks at me) You're awfully mean when you take away my privileges.

Classic William.

Mischief

2008-04-10T12:03:00.004-05:00

Last Saturday was Lawrence's birthday as well as our 5 year anniversary. The three of us celebrated as a family on Saturday. We opened presents (I bought him a nice Orion telescope, now we just have to get my brother over to show us how to use it), went on a family bike ride in the park, and then went to one of our favorite tapas restaurants for dinner. William did really well at the restaurant. He apparently loves olive tapenade and ate a whole ceasar salad by himself. He behaved really well and was even a little flirt with the bartender who kept giving him Shirley Temple's with LOTS of cherries.

On Sunday we went with some friends to the country to hike around on one of the guy's grandparents farm. We built a fire, hiked, played in the very cold creek, and roasted hot dogs and s'mores. It was a great day (besides a little bit of back-talking from the munchkin).

After we got home we headed out to my parents house for Lawrence's birthday dinner. It was my parents (Ken and Paulette), my little brother (Aaron) and his wife (Lori) and their daughter (Maya- 3 soon to be 4), my older brother (Jeff) and his wife (Abby) and their three kids (Alex- 8 next week, Justin- 5, and Audrey 2). Needless to say, family events are crazy and loud. I love them, Lawrence tolerates them (he's actually enjoying them more than he used to).

Anyway, the kids were playing outside and the adults were all sitting around talking when all of a sudden my nephew Alex comes inside and says: "Uncle Matt- William is getting into some mischief." Not what I want to hear, but as a boy I got into plenty of "mischief" so I wasn't immediately over-concerned.

So I go outside and William is standing on the passenger side of my car across the street. I head over there and find that he has attempted to unlock the car using a piece of thin wood and shoving it into the lock. Of course it broke off and he couldn't get it out. I ask him to step away from the car- immediately. I pulled out a piece of wood from the lock and then try to put in my key. Of course there was wood left in the lock and all I managed to do was push it further in. I was pretty upset at this point and William took off inside because he knew he was in trouble (I found him hiding under a bed). My little brother and dad come out with needles, flashlights, and tweezers (because they'll fix it). No such luck. So now my passenger side door can no longer be unlocked from the outside. William of course didn't understand why it was a big deal because you can still get in from the other side. We tried to explain it a hundred different ways, but either he's being stubborn or he really doesn't get it. My poor little Honda.

Three Weeks In

2008-04-08T13:34:00.004-05:00

My first post on my very own blog. Yikes...there's so much pressure.

The purpose of this blog is to document the adventures that occur during our journey in parenthood. I guess to start off it would be good to catch everyone up on the history of how and why we became parents to an 8 year old little man named William. William is Lawrence's (my partner) nephew. William has been in foster care for over a year (February 2007). It was in his best interest that he was removed from his parent's house. At first everyone thought that it would only be a temporary thing and that his mom would do what she needed to do to get him back. It quickly became apparent that wasn't going to be the case. So, last summer we started the process to become licensed foster parents (or kinship parents because we are his family) for William. We actually were ready to go in October of 2007, but there was a delay of several months due to some school issues. It is really complicated, but I'll say that in St. Louis the city and county are separate entities and their school districts don't play well together. William goes to school in St. Louis County at a school for kid's with behavioral issues, but we live in St. Louis City. Anyway, it finally all got worked out and the state moved him into our house on Saturday March 15, 2008.

It has been an interesting couple of weeks. The first week was insane because his bus situation wasn't set up. We would drive him to school and pick him up and take him to his after school program. I missed many hours of work. Luckily I've been at this job for 5 and a half years and they were flexible with me during this time. The second week we had him was his spring break and he went to visit his grandparents at their B&B in Hermann, Missouri. The third week started out great, his bus situation was in place and we could all settle in to some routine. Of course Monday morning the bus has mechanical difficulties and never shows up. I take William to school, get to work late, and then two hours later get a call from school that he has the chicken pox. So I took another week off work to be with the chicken pox boy. Luckily he had the vaccine and had a pretty mild case, but let's be honest it is still the chicken pox. We tried everything to keep him from itching.
And as you can tell from the SpongeBob pajamas, bedspread, and alarm clock- we are dealing with a hard core SpongeBob fan here.

We have just started week four and while Monday morning was rough after not being at school for two weeks, we are starting to find a routine and settle in.